


Unravel

by Homers_Disciple



Category: Evangelion, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, An adult Shinji Ikari, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Character Study, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Illustrations, No harems - Freeform, Post-Third Impact, Pre-Third Impact, Story within a Story, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, long fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2019-10-04 12:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 55,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17304545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Homers_Disciple/pseuds/Homers_Disciple
Summary: Shinji rejected Instrumentality, but he made so many mistakes. He has one last chance to set things right, to unravel everything and save what matters. A retelling or altering of the series, an altered version of Shinji with an altered past. Life takes a different path, but do all paths lead to the same destination? Is Shinji doomed to never know happiness?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is cross-posting on fanfiction.net. I set this version up to be a kind of semi-illustrated edition of my previous work. Unravel is a science fiction character-based drama, and it explores Shinji Ikari as a character, as well as a few other things in the series that I found interesting. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A young Shinji Ikari emerges with a strange condition. Paths are changing, and a voice speaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm a relatively new Evangelion fan. I do not own Evangelion in any way, and I write this for fun.  
> I was introduced to the series by an ex-girlfriend of mine(we're still friends, and it's not weird) and I was kinda confused at the series at first. However, I grew to love the characters
> 
> I saw the Rebuilds, then went back to watch the original series as well as Death and ReBirth/The End of Evangelion and despite its issues, I really love the Evangelion series. So I decided to write a fic about it.
> 
> This story will diverge somewhat from the series, most fics do, there will be timeline mixups and in this series will see a Shinji that we know, but with an altered past, the altering is done WITHIN this fic. Things will be different, and I hope I do Shinji and the other characters justice throughout the series.
> 
> Thanks for checking this out.

* * *

_"I rejected instrumentality... I chose to live in a world with others even if it meant rejection or denial. I had willed myself back into a physical existence, back as an individual._

_I was the first, but not the last. She came after... and I'm not proud of what I did when she appeared again. We were alone for a long time after that, and I think she might have even forgiven me. Too late to ask her now._

_That's the thing, isn't it? As you get older you start to ask yourself 'was I ever happy? Was there ever a time in my life where I truly was happy?'_

_But then again, maybe that's the answer._

_Maybe you never know when the best years of your life are, maybe you never realize when you're happy and then, when suddenly you're not… it's already too late. Happiness is there and gone in the blink of an eye, and only then do you realize that it's gone. Everything after just blurs, you try to be happy but it's only when you look back that you see what it truly felt like._

_Or maybe I'm wrong; maybe I was never really happy after all. Maybe all I ever had were little glimmers in the dark. Fleeting moments of not sadness, but perhaps not happiness either._

_Doesn't matter anymore._

_It took time, but others started to come back too. People strong enough to come back did, they started coming back in droves. But they came back to a broken world, a world that changed too quickly for them by the time they returned._

_A few years later everything fell apart. We tried to help them at first, but people are people. Factions formed, territories made, lines drawn._

_War came again._

_Those foolish old men who brought about instrumentality didn't know what they were doing. They were wrong... Instrumentality was never meant to be rejected. It was never meant for us at all. Fanatics blinded by fear and greed. This was never meant to happen, everything that followed is my fault._

_Years of running away from that fact, but not anymore. I mustn't run away, so I'm not. Not anymore._

_I'm gonna set it right. I'm gonna unravel all of this... all for 'her'. **Not for me, never me… I don't even know if I was ever really happy at all.** "_

**_\- the broken man._**

**__ **

* * *

 The lonely little boy sat nervously in his chair, watching as the older lady wrote notes on her clipboard.

He didn't want to be here, not in this empty white room, but his teacher had said that they'd had no choice but to see a specialist. A specialist who worked with children just like him. The lady looked up at him from her clipboard, and she smiled softly at him trying to put him at ease.

It only made the little boy more nervous.

"Hello there, I've heard a lot about you," she said in perfect Japanese.

The lonely little boy shifted in his chair, his feet not even touching the floor from where he sat. He nodded at the woman saying nothing.

"My name is Dr. Page. And I came all the way from America to see you. I came because your teacher sent me to help you. Now, when you meet someone you're supposed to introduce yourself," the doctor said speaking in a calm soft voice. She was very used to speaking with problem children, even children who had lost their mother as he had.

"Hello," the lonely little boy said meekly. He looked away from Dr. Page, never once meeting her eyes as he spoke.

Dr. Page waited patiently. She'd learned over the years that you mustn't push a patient, but rather let them work things out on their own, at least in the beginning.

"I'm Ikari. Shinji Ikari," the lonely little boy said slowly.

"Shinji Ikari. That's a lovely name, and how old are you?" Dr. Page asked again, still with that warm smile on her face. But the smile was fake; he knew the lady was pretending to be kind. Why did adults pretend to be something they weren't, he wondered?

"Se- Seven," Shinji said slowly.

_**She knows. She already knew everything about you before you ever walked into the room.** _

Little Shinji let out a small whimper, and he flinched back as if struck. Dr. Page froze, frowning at him, she seemed unsure of what to do for a moment.

 _No, not again. Teacher said I mustn't listen,_ the lonely little boy thought.

Dr. Page adopted another warm smile, this one softer than the one before. Calm, relaxing, and giving the lonely little boy his space.

_**The smiles mean nothing. They're manufactured. Don't tell her.** _

Shinji closed his eyes tight.

"Shinji," Dr. Page called to him sweetly. He opened his eyes and managed to look back at her.

"Do you know why your teacher called me?"

Shinji shook his head saying "because I'm sick. Because… I see things. Because I hear things. Because of my dreams."

Dr. Page added more notes to the clipboard.

_**Don't tell her.** _

"Why do you think you're sick?" Dr. Page asked calmly.

Shinji fidgeted nervously in his chair, thinking of what his teacher had told him. To trust the lady, to tell her everything because that was the only way she could help.

_**Lie. Don't tell her the truth.** _

"Sometimes my head hurts, and I have dreams. Teacher found me bleeding from my nose more than once." Little Shinji said looking away, his eyes glued to his shoes.

"Now Shinji, tell me what do you see when it happens?" Dr. Page said, her hands were gripping her clipboard tight, pen in hand, eager for what came next.

_**She does not care about you.** _

Little Shinji trembled at the thing in his head. He closed his eyes remembering what his teacher had told him, to tell the doctor lady everything.

"When I sleep… sometimes I hear a woman screaming," Little Shinji said slowly. Dr. Page's pen flew across her clipboard scribbling notes.

"Go on," Dr. Page said listening carefully.

"And sometimes… I see flashes of people. Too many to count, the people are lying down... and they're not moving. Then I see the people vanish… and instead, there's… there's a liquid in their place." Little Shinji said forcing himself to remember the dreams.

"Hmm, a liquid?" Dr. Page said frowning. Her pen froze mid note taking. She noted his vocabulary skills.

Little Shinji nodded saying "like an ocean. But not water... a strange orange thing... almost like blood."

_**Don't. Tell. Her.** _

"Other times I see a woman… I think she's my mother," Little Shinji continued, he wanted to finish this quickly.

**_Mother is dead. She's gone, and she won't come back._ **

Little Shinji felt tears well up in his eyes at the thing inside his head. He knew it to be true; he was always told how much more mature he could be than other kids. Of how he could understand some things better than children his age. He could already understand death, but he hated it. He hated thinking about it.

Dr. Page scribbled more notes, the doctor's pen tapped against her clipboard, as she considered that. Her eyes peered into Little Shinji so that even looking away; he could feel her gaze on him. He could feel those cold eyes looking him up and down like he was a puzzle waiting to be solved.

"Shinji," she called softly. "Do you see your father too?"

 _Not him, never him,_ Little Shinji thought. He shook his head.

"One more thing. I… I see a stick, a stick with a point on its end," Little Shinji said.

The images began to flash through his mind again.

Little Shinji closed his eyes tight. His heart started beating faster and faster, the room felt like it was getting smaller, the walls were closing in on him. It was like a panic attack... but all the while he could see flashes of imagery going by at a rapid pace.

Suddenly, the little boy began whimpering as the images kept going, they never stopped even when he closed his eyes. How could he see things when his eyes were closed? He didn't know and that scared him.

Shinji felt his breathing grow harsher and harsher. His hands started to shake.

He felt something warm on his face, and suddenly Dr. Page was at his side calling out to him, but he didn't listen. He couldn't have, even if he'd wanted to.

_**You shouldn't have told her.** _

The images flashed before him, and he couldn't stop them no matter how hard he tried.

He saw people bleeding on a floor somewhere else, saw the stick with a point on its end, saw a woman in the dark looking at him, saw a boy older than him alone on a stretch of land surrounded by water, saw a man with greying hair standing in the ruins of a city.

_**Stop. You have to stop… it'll hurt if you don't.** _

Little Shinji shook as the blood slid down his face and over his lips. His nose was bleeding, and his head hurt so much that he felt like he was going to pass out. He had trouble breathing, and he wanted to shout or cry, but he was in so much pain that he couldn't even open his mouth.

The image of the woman in the dark wouldn't leave. She watched him, her face hidden from him, and smiled. She never blinked, she never moved.

 _Stop. Please stop..._ Shinji pleaded. He wanted to cry.

"Shh, it's okay. Here," Dr. Page said suddenly. Her voice had lost its calm, and she seemed to be on edge. Seemingly at a loss as to what exactly had happened.

From her perspective, they'd been talking, and then her patient had begun shuddering before suffering a nosebleed and clutching his head so hard she was afraid he might pull the hair from his scalp. Not good for someone so young.

Dr. Page grabbed a pair of napkins from her coat. She had been warned this could happen, and gently wiped the blood from Little Shinji's face. "Keep the napkins on your nose, put pressure on it," Dr. Page said cooly.

The child took a moment to calm down.

The images stopped.

Shinji blinked and found that tears were in his eyes, but the boy managed to hold them in. He was breathing slowly and deliberately. After seeing that the boy had calmed himself, Dr. Page stood up and began furiously scribbling on her notes again.

"I think we'll call it a day, you can go home. I'm sorry this happened to you Shinji, but we need to get you better. I promise I will personally do everything I can to help you," Dr. Page said.

She gave him that fake smile again like he was a puzzle just begging to be solved and not a person.

Somehow, Little Shinji found that he did not like Dr. Page very much. 

* * *

In the days that followed, Little Shinji's teacher brought him to Dr. Page's office many times. Each time the doctor was careful to steer the lonely boy away from another nose bleed, but all the time gathering more notes. Asking him questions.

Dr. Page told Little Shinji to draw what he saw in his dreams with color pencils. Dr. Page photographed and scanned the drawings, heavily documenting the boy's case. She made note of his attachment to his deceased mother. She took blood samples but found nothing out of the ordinary.

Page personally escorted the boy to a facility to have an MRI done several times. She told him how lucky he was, that the doctors cared so much about him that he didn't have to get on the waiting list for the MRI's. The results were heavily documented and eventually sealed.

Little Shinji was prescribed sleeping pills and a variety of new experimental drugs that seemed to improve his situation. His night-terrors stopped, but he still found himself visiting Dr. Page regularly.

Every day, he took his pills just like his teacher said, the action became almost second nature to him. From his teacher to the nurse at school, to even other children who came into contact with the lonely little boy, the words 'Shinji, take your pills' became commonplace.

Then came the day that Little Shinji found himself placed in a mental ward by Dr. Page. His teacher and caretaker signed the forms with very little convincing.

...

He spent five years there. Five years in the mental ward with other children who had problems, but none of them were like him. None of them had problems like he did.

Little Shinji was considered a special case by the staff. He was given his own private room, but it felt more like a punishment. Little Shinji alone in a ward with nothing to do but wait for the doctors and their tests, or else homeschooling via his teacher when the man came for a visit.

Teacher was his only visitor. His father never came to see him. Not once.

Shinji was quiet and shy, but well behaved. He was told that he was very mature for his age despite his lack of social skills or social interactions, that he understood concepts a normal child should not. He was told that he sometimes spoke with a vocabulary that was higher than someone his age should have. The staff, the men and women dressed in white, made him take tests for his IQ and intelligence.

They told him that he was 'interesting.' That he could read on a reading level of almost a young adult already, that he could understand things other children could not, yet he was not a prodigy as he lacked the pure intelligence of those special few. Little Shinji heard the doctors call him 'a truly unique case'.

That was what he was to the doctors and staff of the ward, another patient, another  _thing_  to be studied and fixed, but not a person.

"Take your pills," the doctors and staff told him.

They always dressed in white, always giving him a fake smile. Artificial, for they were afraid he'd have another breakdown, or an episode, or a nosebleed.

"Take your pills, Shinji," his teacher told him whenever he came to visit, which was only four times a week to give him his homeschooling.

So many tests, so little people to talk to. No friends.

"One day you'll get out of here, I promise," his teacher told him. A promise to a lonely little boy in a mental ward, a promise the boy stopped believing in.

He was allowed comforts that other patients were not, he was given a cello and allowed to take lessons from his teacher and the staff. He got pretty good at it, not much else to do when you're in a mental ward but practice your music.

...

One day, the lonely little boy met a friend. Another patient.

A little girl a bit older than him, she was wilder than he was. Where he was timid and shy, she was adventurous and blunt. Where Shinji was quiet, she was loud. But for two lonely children in the ward, they were perfect for each other. He met her when he caught her stealing extra food from the cafeteria when no one else was looking; he didn't report her. She had looked at him as he spotted her in the act, and she had thrown him a cup of stolen pudding before running off.

Little Shinji had smiled, and the next day she sat with him at lunch.

They became friends, playing together and talking for hours when the staff let them. Her name was Mari Illustrious Makinami, and she was Shinji's first friend.

They became attached to each other, someone for the other to talk to. For many of the children in the ward were incapable of speaking coherently, and many others too unstable to speak with at all.

"Don't be scared," she would say as she took extra sweets from the cafeteria when the staff wasn't looking, or else dragged him along on an adventure inside the ward. The ward itself was not a pretty place. It was all in white and lifeless, sterile, but for the courtyard which the patients were allowed to use under careful supervision.

And yet two children and their imagination breathed life into it. She made Little Shinji remember the promise his teacher had made him.

"I'll get out of here someday," Little Shinji said one afternoon.

The two children were sitting in his private room atop his bed, both eating a cup of pudding that she'd taken from the cafeteria when no one was looking.

"You think so?" Little Mari said, her long hair ruffling as she rocked back and forth, she was always a ball of energy.

"My teacher told me. One day, I'll get out of here. One day I won't be so sick," Little Shinji said. That was something they never talked about, they never talked about their problems, they never talked about 'why' they were in the ward, to begin with.

Little Mari had paused at that; the first time she'd ever grown serious in all her young years. She looked away from him and set her pudding down. She looked so sad, her long hair falling over her face as she seemed to consider that.

"And me? You think I'll get out too?" the little girl said.

Little Shinji smiled, smiled for perhaps the first time since his mother had died.

"Why not? Maybe we'll get out together. And we can eat pudding every day and go adventuring," Little Shinji said.

Mari looked at him from underneath her long hair. The little girl smiled at him, tossing her hair to her side as she raised a hand saying "pinky swear?"

"Pinky swear," Little Shinji said taking Mari's hand in his own.

...

But that didn't happen. When Shinji was 11 years old, Mari left the ward without him.

He looked for her in the cafeteria one day but couldn't find her, he looked all over the ward but he couldn't find her. He asked the staff and they avoided his eyes telling him that Mari had been released the night before. She was there and gone just like that. He hadn't even been able to say goodbye.

Little Shinji sat alone in his private room trying not to cry for days.

Her name was Mari Illustrious Makinami, and she had been Shinji's first friend. And in the blink of an eye... she was gone

* * *

When Shinji turned 13 years old, he was released from the mental ward. Dr. Page and his teacher had signed the forms, and they had deemed him healthy enough to leave.

He lived with his teacher, and the kind man taught him how to cook. Shinji finally left the ward, was placed in a school and got to see the outside world again. But he wasn't completely free, he was sent his medication and he took his pills every day.

"Take your pills, Shinji," his teacher would tell him.

For a time, Shinji thought he was happy, or at the very least not sad. He had left the ward. He wasn't as sick as he had been when he was younger. But then months later on his 14th birthday, his father sent him a letter. A single envelope with his name on it.

It came in the mail, and when his teacher had handed it to him, Shinji hadn't known what to feel. He opened it to find an I.D. card with his name on it, along with a single word written on paper for him.

"Come."

That was all his father had said. No mention of his many years since seeing the man, no congratulations on leaving the ward, nothing but a single worded letter. He tried not to let it bother him and moved onto what was left in the envelope.

Enclosed beneath his father's letter was a picture of a young woman in her late twenties, dressed loosely and beaming with eyes full of life.

 _ **Misato Katsuragi,**_ the thing in Shinji's head told him.

"Misato Katsuragi," Shinji whispered. He spoke the words before ever reading the card telling him that she would pick him up when he was inside the city. He had known her name before ever having read her message, and he had a feeling that she'd be running late when the day came.

* * *

Bonus: a podcast has featured a portion of this story as an audio drama.  
Check them out: <https://youtu.be/0W7CwGNoV7Y?t=573>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, I know, but this is only the prologue.  
> The next chapter will be longer and will start closer to the beginning of the original series, but as I said before this re-telling will diverge and mix things up.  
> Mari will appear again, and her relationship with Shinji will be explored, timelines will be addressed.
> 
> This Shinji will still be the Shinji we know, but a little bit different and he will grow. Nature and nurture shape who you become.  
> Thanks for Reading and please Review!


	2. Tokyo-03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji Ikari enters the city of Tokyo-03. Has he been here before?

" _To live is to suffer. Pain is a part of life. If you never learn to move past it, you will never_ _accomplish anything._ "

**- _The Broken Man_**

* * *

Shinji Ikari sat alone in his room, the lonely fourteen-year-old was atop his bed thinking things over. His teacher and caretaker was out; Shinji was considered responsible enough to take care of himself while the adult was away.

His teacher wasn't around as much as one would think, the man taught Shinji and did take care of him, receiving a generous salary from Shinji's father, but he also made time for himself. Time away from the odd boy living in his apartment.

Shinji didn't mind. He liked his teacher, but at times he did wonder just how much his teacher actually cared for him beyond collecting a check. The thought had crossed his mind more and more lately, ever since he'd gotten the letter from his father.

"Come."

That was all the letter had said. The envelope had come with an ID card with Shinji's picture and name on it, as well as a photo of a woman who had volunteered to pick him up once he was inside Tokyo-03.

Shinji glanced at the letter on his bedside, he had reread the single word many times over.

It had been years since Shinji and his father had even spoken to each other. Gendo Ikari had never once visited the ward. Had never once gone to visit his only child, his son who had so many problems in his head that he had to be locked away for five years in a mental ward.

 _Why? Why now of all times?_ Shinji wondered.

He had read stories and seen movies about fathers and their sons, about the bond between child and parent. Somehow, Shinji thought he had missed out on that.

Part of him didn't even want to go. The message Misato Katsuragi had left with her photo mentioned that he would be staying in the city for some time, but she hadn't said for how long.

"It's not like I have much going on here anyway," Shinji said talking to himself. He did that occasionally, a bad habit from having spent years in a mental ward with few people to talk to.

 _Teacher wouldn't mind if I went. He has a life here. And me? I go to school and do any chores._ _No other friends or family, just school and then home again. Same as every other day,_ he thought.

He knew that most kids had their routine as well, but for Shinji... it felt different.  _He_ felt different. As if he was walking through life and missing a piece of something that everyone else seemed to have.

"Maybe father wants me to move in with him… No, I doubt that," Shinji muttered to himself.

He sighed, leaving his room and walking to the medicine cabinet. He grabbed the various pills that he took every day. The ward, or perhaps Dr. Page herself, sent him the medicine. He had never bothered to think about it too much, he was still sick in the head and he needed his meds.

 _He's my dad, he has to care about me. He has to care even a little, doesn't he?_ Shinji thought as he swallowed his prescribed pills.

More than anything else, that was what drove Shinji to travel to Tokyo-03. To see if his father really did care for him at all. He told his teacher and caretaker, the man agreed with little fuss, and within 3 days they had arranged travel for him.

It would be a one-way trip, at least for a while if Misato Katsuragi was to be believed. 

* * *

_Three days later  
_ _Tokyo-03_

The alarms had finally stopped ringing.

For over twenty minutes those blasted things and their high pitched ringing had aired followed by a pre-recorded message. A standard issue message informing citizens to remain calm and seek shelter.

However, a single fourteen-year-old boy had completely ignored said alarms.

The streets were empty when Shinji finally got to the public phone, part of him knew he shouldn't be out here during an emergency. But his father had sent for him. That meant that he had to try… right?

"We're sorry. Due to the state of special emergency, no lines are currently available. This is a recorded message."

The voice was a pleasant sounding automated tone, it played on repeat when he picked up the phone.

Shinji sighed, he put the public phone back on its hook. He'd arrived in the city hours ago and made his way to the pick-up spot, only to find that this 'Misato Katsuragi' wasn't there waiting for him.

Somehow, he'd had a feeling this would happen.

He had waited even as the alarms had started and people had begun clearing the streets. He'd heard about the alarms before, but he hadn't spent much time out in the real world. He didn't know where a shelter was, and he didn't know what else to do, so he had decided to just wait.

Wait even as everyone in the area had evacuated.

 _I was supposed to meet her here. I double checked and everything,_ Shinji thought.

He pulled the pictured they'd sent him out of his pocket once again. A picture of a young beautiful woman in a striking pose.

"Figures, guess we won't be meeting. Maybe dad didn't want me here after all," Shinji said in a low quiet voice.

He considered trying to book passage back to his caretaker's house, but it would have to wait until the alarm was lifted.

"I should look for a shelter," he muttered to himself as he heard distant booms far off, no doubt the military.

From what Shinji understood, once the citywide alarms went off it meant the military was on the move. He'd seen movies about the military, formally known as the JSSDF, deploying from the televisions in the ward, but he'd never seen them in person before. He'd never seen a variety of aircraft, from fighter planes to attack bombers, going through the sky and seeming to roar through the air as they went.

The boy watched the aircraft soaring above and beyond him, like manmade birds of steel flying in formation. It left him with a mixture of awe, curiosity, and if he was being honest... a little nervous.

To think, all this because the woman that was supposed to pick him up was running late.

_**She will be here.** _

Shinji froze.

 _Not again, and why today of all days..._ he thought anxiously.

The sickness was coming back; thoughts that didn't seem to be his own were coming back. Not 'just' a voice in his head, more like instincts that were not his. This madness from inside his head that stirred when he didn't take his medicine.

Shinji checked his watch and then reached into his pocket pulling out his meds.

"Take your pills," he muttered to himself as he acted on autopilot and swallowed the handful of pills given to him by the doctors over the years.

The white pill he took to help him sleep at night, the blue pills he took to stop his head from hurting, and the red pills he took because Dr. Page had told him to. Supposedly the red ones were the most important. Lastly, in his backpack was a bottle of black pills used only under emergency situations, only when Shinji had been suffering nosebleeds or else having frequent blackouts and loss of memory.

In total, he'd packed enough of his meds to last him 32 days. He hadn't known how long he'd be there for so he'd packed enough to be safe. Months ago, Shinji had been deemed responsible enough to handle his meds with the guarantee his school and household would be given a stash of pills for backup.

"Taste awful," Shinji muttered. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to steady himself, it wasn't a good sign when he had to take his pills this early.

_THUD_  
_THUD  
_ _THUD_

An Angel had appeared... far off into the distance. Monstrous, tall, and alien it loomed over the city.

Shinji snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of monstrously huge footsteps echoing across the entire city. He starred in awe from his place on the open street, transfixed at the Angel walking forward as various armored helicopters and planes hovered in attack formation above.

The military aircraft surrounded the Angel, forming a kill zone where their target could not escape, where no space was left empty, where all gunners would hit their mark.

 _Angel..._ Shinji thought, his eyes wide as the military aircraft fired their missiles.

The lone boy watched as the creature was struck by every missile in the kill zone, watched as the enormous monster was engulfed in a bright fireball of white.

He raised his hands to cover his eyes at the sheer force of the explosions, even miles and miles away, the aftershock whipped across the empty streets shattering glass across its path and striking him so hard he stumbled back and fell to his knees.

And as Shinji fell, his medicine, his prescription bottles, fell onto the open street.

 _No. I need those!_ Shinji thought even with the shock of seeing an Angel in person.

Car alarms began going off as Shinji got to his knees... only to find that the military's firepower had minimal on the Angel. The hulking beast stood tall, Shinji watched as it lifted its monstrous hands and shot a bright beam of light at the aircraft before it.

Shinji saw rather than heard the impact, saw the aircraft struck by the blast and explode upon impact. The explosion sent smoke and shrapnel everywhere. The other aircraft scattered, leaving their formation behind as the Angel continued walking.

_THUD_  
_THUD  
_ _THUD_

The Angel, almost humanoid except for its size, color, and the width of its shoulders, strode forward undeterred by the military. Its gigantic feet shook the ground. Explosions could be heard off in the distance as the creature stepped over cars and trains, igniting their engines in the process but it barely seemed to notice.

Shinji stared at the Angel in complete shock, until finally, the sound of a car approaching from behind got his attention. The car slid across the road, the driver barely managing to control it as the car swerved to a stop just before him.

"Sorry, I'm late," a young woman said opening the passenger door for him.

 _Misato Katsuragi, the woman I was supposed to meet here. The woman who was supposed to take me to my father?_ Shinji thought as he recognized the lady from the picture.

And she was beautiful, she was tall with dark purple hair. She carried with her a strange sense of calm and perhaps silliness even amid all the danger.

"Get in," Misato said surprisingly calm despite the ongoing fight between the Angel and the military nearby.

Another explosion sounded off in the distance shaking the ground around them, and Shinji quickly got to his feet. He stumbled as he reached down for his fallen prescription bottles, grabbing what he could.

_BOOM._

Another explosion sounded off in the distance. Shinji flinched at the noise and abandoned his medicine on the street, grabbing what he could before hurriedly rushing into Misato's car.

 _I didn't get all my pills back…_ he thought somberly.

"Great, let's get going," Misato said, and before he had even closed the passenger door she drove off.

 _I haven't even closed the door yet!_ Shinji thought in a panic as they started moving.

He managed to grab the door handle and swing the door closed as Misato took off down the road from where she came. The ground shook again as the Angel continued onward. Yet Misato didn't even seem to care, the woman simply drove, gunning her car to its max speed.

"Take a moment to catch your breath. It's okay," Misato was saying, how the pretty woman could be so calm right now he didn't know. They drove without talking for a long time, leaving the Angel and the military to their battle.

* * *

Once they'd driven a good distance from the battle, Misato stopped the car to Shinji's surprise.

"Don't freak out, just need to check how things are going," she said when he stared.

 _There's an Angel in the city and she wants to see how the fight's going? Is she insane?_ Shinji thought. But then some small part of him felt guilty, Misato had saved his life. And from what Shinji remembered of his mother, she had told him to always be kind.

Shinji kept his thoughts to himself.

Misato didn't seem to notice, either way. She pulled out a pair of binoculars and looked out into the distance from the safety of her car. A safety that didn't last long.

"Shit, they're gonna use an N2 mine. Those idiots!" Misato said with such shock that Shinji snapped up to look at her. She turned to him and shoved him down into the seat, her body falling over his as she tackled him into laying down.

 _What-_ the boy thought.

"Get down!" Misato cried.

Shinji never saw the flash of light, he only heard the boom and felt the waves of kinetic energy slam into the car sending them flying and rolling over.

 _I'm gonna die... I'm gonna die!_ Shinji thought as they rolled with the car. Dirt went flying everywhere, some of it getting into the car and onto both of them.

He didn't know how long the car rolled for, but when it stopped he felt like he was going to vomit up his meds. But he couldn't do that, at least not with Misato on top of him, so he held it in even as the crazy woman got off him.

It took a few moments for Shinji to realize that their car had landed on its side. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, and he distantly heard Misato saying that they needed to get out and flip the car.

Misato helped him climb out.

"We're gonna have to tip it over, only way to get back on the road," she was saying. Shinji only stared off into the ruins of the city blocks around him. City blocks that had been intact minutes ago… now completely ruined.

 _The N2 mine... it did all this. The military caused more damage than the Angel did,_ Shinji thought. The boy stumbled forward, Misato's voice in the background, and stared with wide eyes, mouth agape at the scene around him.

In a span of a few minutes, he had nearly died twice.

Distantly, he heard Misato talking to him. But he wasn't paying attention. All he could do was stare at the downed Angel in the distance, the monstrous titan brought low by the military and their bomb.

"Hey!"

A hand shook him by the shoulder, and Shinji snapped out of it. He turned to look at her.

"The Angel's  _not_  down. We have to get back on the road. Come on, give me a hand," Misato said sounding much more serious than he'd ever heard her.

Shinji turned seeing the Angel slowly getting to its feet again in the distance, it had been burned but not killed. Pulling himself together, he turned to help Misato.

"1, 2, 3 push!" Misato chanted as she and Shinji put their backs to the car. Together, they forced the toppled car back onto what was left of the road. With a heavy thud, the car landed back on the road.

"You alright?" Misato said wiping sweat from her brow.

"Yeah... but my mouth is full of dirt," Shinji said, he didn't know how he was holding it together but he was.

"Eh, you'll be alright," Misato said slapping him on the back affectionately.

Shinji felt his face warm at her touch, he didn't have much experience with women since Mari had left the ward without him. He barely heard Misato as she dragged him back into the car saying they needed to move.

Amazingly, Misato's car started up again and they drove off. Shinji forced himself to keep his eyes ahead, he didn't want to look back at the seemingly unkillable Angel...

They drove on, eventually reaching beyond the blast radius of the N2 mine and finding the strange line where the ruined terrain transformed into a perfectly intact city. An empty city, with the population hiding in their shelters, but a city nonetheless.

"Don't worry, his safety is my top priority. Can you get a car train for us, an express one? I did volunteer to pick him up after all," Misato was saying over the phone to someone or some people that Shinji didn't know.

He barely paid attention, only looking at the somehow intact window of their car, how strange it was to have crossed from a ruined city to an empty one, to watch as the landscape went from a battered bombed out road to a fully functional highway.

* * *

_Later  
_ _NERV headquarters_

The way through NERV headquarters took them longer than it should have. It was a long trip through the many twists and turns of the underground facility known as the Geofront.

Misato had given him a NERV manual to read on the way as their train car, which surprisingly was an actual train that transported their car, brought them to where they needed to go.

They hadn't talked much on the way. Shinji had trouble talking to anyone, especially women. He'd spent so much time isolated and without many friends except for Mari, and his first few months free of the ward didn't help much either. Yet Misato seemed friendly... and not in that faked sense of nervousness that people adopted around him when they found out he'd been in a mental ward.

Somehow, Shinji didn't think Misato knew much of his past. He didn't think she knew of his mental health issues.

Walking the halls of NERV after getting rides on the transit system proved to be a nightmare, Misato had forgotten the way and even with a map they'd gotten lost.

_**That way.** _

Shinji flinched and froze in his tracks.

_No... no that can't happen. I took my meds, I took my pills... why?_

"Shinji?" Misato said turning to look at the shuddering boy before her.

"Nothing, I... just got cold is all," Shinji said quickly. Misato treated him pretty normally, and he didn't want to lose that. He didn't want to see her grow stiff around him and nervously try to be friendly to him, the stigma of his past always did that to people.

 _I can last a few hours. I'll have to take my pills again later, probably all the excitement is all. The thing in my head will go away, it will,_ he thought desperately.

"This is the wrong way, not there. Over here," Shinji said suddenly.

Misato turned to the boy about to tell him that she knew what she was doing, but he had already started walking off without her.

"Hey, don't just- … I think you're right... " Misato said as she realized that Shinji was actually going the right way.

* * *

Reaching the elevators that they were looking for, Shinji was surprised when the doors slid open before he could press the call button. Another doctor, he'd gotten used to doctors over the years, wearing a lab coat was already inside.

The doctor, a pretty blond woman, blinked in surprise at the sight of him just as Misato called out to her.

"Hello," Shinji said in an awkward greeting.

The doctor looked him up and down, and he wasn't sure if he liked her or not.

Misato, who had been trailing behind Shinji, stiffened comically at the sight of her longtime friend.

"Hey. Sorry, we're late, but I got lost. Shinji here actually found the way," she said.

"Always running late, tsk. You do realize we're short on manpower right now?" the doctor said to her friend. The woman shook her head.

Shinji watched as the doctor before him smiled artificially, and knelt so that he didn't have to look up at her.

"Hello Shinji, my name is Dr. Ritsuko Akagi," she said in a falsely, and very forced, tone.

Shinji didn't respond, he hated it when people did that to him. Treating him as if he could have a breakdown if they weren't too careful around him.

 _Just like Dr. Page. Trying to be nice... but it feels fake_.  _She knows._ Shinji thought. He recognized the act, the act all doctors put on for him, all trying to be his friend and keep him calm at all cost.

Ritsuko had read the files on Shinji, he could tell. She knew what his psychological evaluation was over the years, and that made him timid.

"He's the third child. This is Shinji Ikari, he'd kind of quiet like his father," Misato said breaking the awkward silence

"I know. Come on, we have little time," Ritsuko said waving them back into the elevators.

...

Shinji stayed silent as they rode the elevator up several stories. He could tell Ritsuko was being careful with him, a bit stiff, or maybe that was just the way she was. He opened up the NERV manual and pretended to read, he already felt too much like a third wheel with Misato and Ritsuko.

"How's Unit 01? Is it operational, it hasn't ever worked before right?" Misato was saying as Shinji pretended to read his manual.

"It's in refrigeration and no, it still isn't working. The possibility of Unit 01 operating is 0.0000000-" Ritsuko began.

"I get it, it's a really  _really_  long shot," Misato cut in.

Shinji couldn't help but overhear the two women chat. He got the feeling that Ritsuko didn't like being interrupted, but that Misato had done it so much that it was a common occurrence. A strange friendship to be sure, it was another one of those things that Shinji had never really learned. Too much of his childhood spent in the ward.

 _Unit 01? I wonder what that-_ he thought

 _ **It's waiting for you. Don't be scared. 01 will never hurt you, but others might.**_ The Thing in his head stirred.

Shinji flinched inwardly.

Misato didn't notice as she spoke with Ritsuko about today's events, but the doctor knew what she was doing apparently, she spared him a very controlled glance but said nothing.

 _ **She knows.**_ The voice in his head stirred in agreement. That terrified Shinji even more, and he fought hard not to wince in shock.

The elevator pinged as it reached the floor they were looking for. They stepped outside finding a seemingly large space with no lights at all, once the elevator doors closed again they were engulfed in complete darkness.

_**Don't shout, they're watching you.** _

_Need my pills,_ Shinji thought even as the lights suddenly switched on revealing a hulking beast, a machine clad in purple armor. A strange mix of machine and nature.

"A… a robot?" Shinji said in awe, he brought up the NERV manual again looking for an explanation.

"You won't find the Eva in that manual," Ritsuko said suddenly. Shinji looked up at her, she had been watching him it seemed, wanting to judge his reaction to unit 01.

Ritsuko gestured to the monstrous machine, almost like an Angel in its own way, saying "mankind's ultimate fighting machine. Evangelion Unit 01. Built here in secret. Mankind's last hope."

Misato muttered something, and he didn't quite catch it.

Shinji stared into the Evangelion's face and the thing seemed to stare back at him with cold lifeless eyes that were larger than his whole body. It felt like the Eva was watching him.

The boy looked away... unable to hold its gaze.

He realized that they were inside a hangar of some kind, the room was enormous, more than large enough for the Eva, with multiple floors and rooms along with a handful of lifts for transport.

"Is this my father's work?" Shinji asked. Before Ritsuko could answer, a voice from above called out to all three of them, a voice Shinji hadn't heard in years.

"Correct."

They turned and Shinji gazed unblinkingly at the man standing in the lift above them. Gendo Ikari, his father.

 _No, not a lift. A command center?_ Shinji thought.

He saw his father looking down on him. Now that the lights were on, he could see that there were additional walkways and floors to the space where Unit 01 was stored. Technicians and other staff worked from up above them, but most had turned their gaze towards Shinji. This hanger that they were in was even bigger than Shinji had thought.

"We're moving out," Gendo said staring back into his son's gaze with cold indifference.

Misato stepped forward saying "what?! But Unit 02's still in Germany? How- wait! Wait! You're going to use Unit 01… but I... Rei can't pilot it."

"Shinji will pilot 01," Ritsuko said as Gendo nodded.

"I… you're serious about this? He just got here! It took Rei months to sync with her Unit," Misato said gaping at Ritsuko and Gendo as if they had lost their minds.

"It's the only way. Shinji Ikari, you will pilot Unit 01," Ritsuko said turning a cold stare to Shinji as she spoke.

"That's impossible, he just got here-" Misato stammered.

"Stopping the Angel is more important than us playing it safe. Even if he can only sit in the pilot seat, it's enough. It's our only chance," Ritsuko replied.

Shinji however, hadn't said a word as the two women argued over him, hadn't said a word even as he realized the stakes of what was happening. He only stared at his father standing above them.

"Why did you send for me?" Shinji said his voice quivering. He wasn't used to raising his voice, wasn't used to speaking to his father at all.

Misato and Ritsuko stopped their bickering and turned to the young boy as he stared down his father.

"You know why I sent for you. Because I have a use for you," Gendo Ikari said without a hint of emotion.

"After all this time. Why? You... you left me in the ward for all those years and now... and for what? Because you have a use for me?!" Shinji said his hands balling into fists.

"Do not weep like a  _child_ , you were well cared for. Doctors and treatments that many would not have had access to. A roof over your head, an education, and specialized care whenever needed," Gendo said.

He sounded so heartless, as if he was reading off a series of conditions on a list to be checked off, conditions that needed to be fulfilled for some trivial task... Shinji looked down at his shoes, he could feel Misato's gaze on him even as his own father looked down at him with indifference.

"Why me?" Shinji asked in a barely a whisper.

Gendo said nothing.

"Why me?!" Shinji said louder, almost shouting at his father.

The ground suddenly shook and the others stumbled, but Shinji barely moved.

"The Angel's getting closer, it must know our location," Ritsuko said almost swearing.

_**Even if you don't, he'll send out Rei instead. We don't matter to him, Shinji. Never have. We're just pawns in a much bigger game.** _

This time, Shinji didn't flinch. He knew this was a bad sign, the thing in his head, he needed another dose of his medicine but there was no time. He held everything in, making no obvious reaction to what had happened again. Yet somehow, he thought Ritsuko knew.

"Shinji, I know it's hard but you musn't run away-" Misato began as she knelt down trying to calm him down, but before she could finish Gendo spoke.

"Because there's no one else," Gendo called back in answer to Shinji's question.

"... Liar," Shinji whispered slowly, his words seeming to carry over the room bringing an unexpected tension.

Misato blinked in surprise as Ritsuko raised an eyebrow, even other staff members milling about above them froze at Shinji's words. No one had ever spoken like that to the infamously cold Gendo Ikari.

Gendo narrowed his eyes, his voice growing colder, saying "what did you say?"

_**You called him a liar.** _

"I called you a liar," Shinji said again.

...

Ritsuko stared at Shinji noticing that the young boy had balled his hands into fists. The doctor considered that, before turning to look at Evangelion Unit 01… and saw that its hands had balled into fists too. Mirroring the boy exactly.

 _Amazing_ she thought.

...

Gendo Ikari scoffed at his son.

"How disappointing. Dr. Akagi, our spare pilot is useless. Prepare Rei instead," The man said.

"Roger that. Re-configure Unit 01's system to Rei and then activate!" Ritsuko called to the other staff above.

 _So he did lie. I knew it._ Shinji thought bitterly. He turned away from his father's disapproving gaze, he didn't want to be here, he wanted to be alone but at the same time he didn't, he felt like he'd been alone for most of his young life.

"Shinji," Misato said carefully, he knew that she didn't know what to say.

For his part, Shinji stayed silent but turned when the doors from another hallway opened and a team of nurses emerged. They pushed a stretcher carrying the body of a young girl into the room.

_**It's her... Rei.** _

"Rei," Shinji whispered.

Misato blinked, taken aback by his words.

The girl in question was still recovering, bandages covered her arms and even her head, one of her eyes covered in the medical wrappings.

 _My father… he's going to send her out like that? How could he be so cruel?_ Shinji thought. Misato was saying something to him but he wasn't listening, he only stared at the poor girl in the stretcher.

BOOM

Another explosion sounded off, this time so close that they could actually hear it even deep underground. The force of the explosion shook the ground and ceiling around them, the nurses stumbled back and the stretcher flipped over.

"Rei!" Shinji said rushing forward to catch the falling girl.

He didn't notice the lights above them detached from the ceiling, damaged from the force of the explosion.

"Shinji look out!" Misato cried.

Suddenly, Evangelion Unit 01 moved. The Eva's arm shot out, emerging from the pool of liquid used to store it, and with a single hand, it caught the falling lights before they could land on top of Shinji and Rei.

_SPLASH_

_THUD_

The room stood silent, the adults seeming too scared to breathe. The liquid that submerged most of the Eva had spilled onto the hangar, littering the floors, along with dust that had emerged when the lights had detached from the ceiling.

Eva Unit 01 held the debris in the palm of its hand, protecting those below.

"The Eva activated by itself!" one of the technicians cried out in shock.

"That's not possible, that can't happen!" Ritsuko said in awe. The doctor stared at the Unit's hand, then stared back at Shinji holding Rei.

Shinji was just as shocked as any of them. He didn't understand what he had happened... he'd only been trying help Rei and then... the Eva.

"It's him," Misato said in barely a whisper. She stared open-mouthed at him.

Shinji barely paid any attention to them, he only looked at Rei in his arms. He'd caught her before she fell, and then they'd both needed saving. She didn't look too good, she was wincing in pain at the slightest touch and she barely seemed aware of his presence at all.

 _I can't let her go out there. Was this a plan? Did father want me to see her?!_ Shinji thought angry.

"Fine. I'll do it," Shinji said helping Rei back onto her stretcher.

Misato beamed at him and Ritsuko snapped her attention back to him saying "what?"

"I said I'll do it. I'll pilot Unit 01. I just have to sit in it right?" Shinji said. He didn't look up at his father, but he felt the man's eyes on him all the same.

Eva Unit 01 moved its massive hand, setting the fallen lights down a safe distance away from all the people in the hanger. Shinji glanced at it nervously, unsure of all this. Even the adults were staring at the machine and its unexpected behavior.

* * *

_Some time later_  
  
"What is this stuff?" Shinji asked nervously.

He was sitting in the pilot seat of Eva Unit 01's Entry Plug. After he had agreed to pilot the Nerv technicians and Ritsuko had given him an interface headset, but not much else. He'd manage to stay pretty calm until the strange liquid had started pouring into his Entry Plug.

Shinji panicked as the liquid poured in faster, beginning to submerge him.

 _They're gonna kill me!_ He thought, panicking before Ritsuko spoke on the comm system.

"Just breathe it in. That's LCL, once it fills your lungs, you will be oxygenated directly."

 _ **Breathe.**_ The thing in his head stirred.

Shinji breathed despite the LCL completely submerging his body, the strange orange, or perhaps amber, liquid seeping into his mouth and nose. He managed to stay calm and relax, and his discomfort vanished almost immediately.

...

"The kid's a natural, didn't even flinch once he breathed it in," a technician said impressed.

"Dr. Akagi look at this! His sync ratio just passed 50% and it's still rising!" another technician called out. Ritsuko rushed over watching as Shinji's sync ratio came to a halt at 63.6%.

"That's incredible," the doctor murmured barely believing it.

 _Damn._ Misato thought with a grin.

"Prepare to launch."

* * *

"Have I… have I been here before?" Shinji found himself whispering. The question nagged at him, a lingering thought this place was familiar.

He closed his eyes in an almost prayer like mentally.

Shinji hardly noticed as the bolts that restrained Unit 01 were removed, hardly noticed as the safety locks were disengaged, and hardly noticed as Unit 01 was transferred to a launch pad.

"Launch!" Misato called, and Shinji opened his eyes.

With a huge mechanical roar, the Eva Unit was shot up from the launch pad. Heavy sparks, metal riding on metal, trailed behind the Eva as it was sent up. The massive machine emerged onto the city above the Geofront, emerged into the night sky along the Angel's path of destruction.

 _There it is, the Angel from before,_ Shinji thought.

Being in the Eva was strange, it was like he could feel himself as  _him_  in the pilot seat, but also the Eva's body as his own too. He could even 'see' or sense things from the Eva's point of view, despite the display screen in the entry plug, and he shuddered as he stood before the monster.

"Just try to walk for now," Ritsuko called to him from the comm system.

And that's what Shinji did. He moved Eva Unit 01, the massive machine taking careful steps forward.

_THUD_  
_THUD_  
_THUD  
_ _THUD_

Unit 01's footsteps echoed just as the heavy thud of the Angel's had. Shinji stumbled as he walked the Eva, he faltered, but he did not fall.

"Shinji watch out!" Misato's voice roared in his ear. The comm system relayed the woman's cry directly into his ear, and he winced even as he saw the Angel coming towards him.

His heart started pounding as the Angel charged him. Shinji raised Unit 01's hand not sure what to do.

The Angel tackled him.

Shinji coughed violently as he felt the wind knocked out of him, felt the pain as if the Eva's body was his own. Yet somehow Shinji kept his feet planted and did not fall, as if his feet had acted of their own accord and not his.

For a brief moment, the Angel did not stop. Then both titans were forced forward with a screech of sparks. Eva Unit 01 and the Angel slid down the streets of Tokyo-03.

Shinji raised the Eva's hand, balled it into a fist, and slammed it down on the Angel's head, trying to stop them as the monstrous beast carried them both through the city. In response, the Angel stumbled back but grabbed Unit 01's arm with one hand and 01's head with the other.

"Ack!" Shinji groaned as he felt his own body being pulled as the Angel tugged on the Eva's limbs, forcing them outward as if trying to rip the Eva in half.

Distantly, he could hear the metal plate armor of the Eva rattle. The Angel was actually trying to rip the marvel of human engineering apart with its bare hands. Shinji wanted to scream. The sensation of being torn felt all too real... despite it not being his 'real' body.

"The pain isn't real. It's only because you're connected to 01. Fight back!" Misato shouted into his comm channel.

 _My arm?_ Shinji thought. He looked down and saw that his own arm was fine, but he could feel 01's arm breaking. He could actually  _feel_  the tendons ripping apart. He let out another agonized scream as he felt his arm being literally ripped off, phantom sensations from the damage the Angel did to Unit 01.

_**To live is to suffer. That's part of life. There will always be pain, best get used to it.** _

_Need my meds,_ Shinji thought even as the thing inside his head stirred.

The Angel lifted Unit 01 off the ground, and Shinji felt himself lifting his legs and kicking the Angel across its chest with both of the Eva's feet.

BANG

The Angel flew back as if hit by a cannon, and the monster was forced to release 01 as it was thrown across the city streets.

Eva Unit 01 fell on its back, unmoving.

THUD

The sound of the Evangelion landing on its back echoed throughout the city. Massive puffs of dirt and chunks of pulverized concrete flew up in response.

Shinji panted heavily and touched his real arm from the relative safety of the Entry Plug, it was undamaged.

 _Phantom pains?_ He thought. He had to get used to pain or else he was done for.

He looked at Unit 01's left arm, the arm that the Angel had nearly ripped off. He saw that it was bent oddly, broken and dislocated but still attached.

_**Cable.** _

Somehow, Shinji felt that he had to get up. Not just to fight, but because of the power cable that was the Eva's power source. Again, somehow he knew that if the Angel were to break or disconnect the cable then he'd only have a few minutes to finish the fight.

The hulking figure of Eva Unit 01 stirred, getting to its knees before stumbling up to stand. Several cars on the empty streets of Tokyo-03 were crushed in the process, the metal popping like soda cans under the weight of the Eva. Shinji looked up, the Eva's head doing the same, and he saw the sheer damage he and the Angel had done to the city.

He hadn't just kicked the Angel back; it had flown back  _colliding into the side of a building_  as well as completely wrecking street lights along its path before falling. The building the Angel had hit looked like something out of a cartoon, a rip along its side where the creature had destroyed office space and shattered windows across multiple floors.

The offices would have to be closed, people would be out of a job, and it could take months to repair the building.

His heart pounded in his chest as he saw the Angel getting back to its feet. Eerily inhuman, the monster rose.

Shinji had to end this, but he had to be careful not to destroy the city in the process.

"Don't be scared," Shinji whispered to himself.

That was what Mari had always told him when she brought him on another of her adventures in the ward, her adventures that often meant breaking the rules or doing something dangerous. The memory brought a brief smile to Shinji's lips, but he couldn't linger on it. He had a job to do.

He ran towards the Angel, the Eva moving its heavy legs with frightening speed.

The Angel crouched low as Shinji approached it, it raised its arms and strange lance like structures of light erupted from its forearms.

 _What the he-_ Shinji thought as he was impaled by the Angel's lances. The bone-like structures of light struck him in the chest and pierced deep, but they didn't go through completely. The weapons, whatever they were, had gotten stuck somewhere inside 01's torso.

"Ahhh!"

Shinji screamed as the sensation of being stabbed sent him nearly over the edge. The 14 year old threw his head back in shock, eyes closed tight in pain.

He could distantly hear Misato calling out to him from the comm system, but before he could respond through the haze of pain, the Angel had lifted him off the ground.

"No!" Shinji screamed as he used Unit 01's good hand and punched the Angel across the face.

SMACK.

The Angel stumbled back as Shinji kept punching it, bringing the Eva's fist down onto the Angel again and again. He had a lousy technique but the force of the continuous blows forced the creature back.

CRACK.

Shinji actually cracked the faceplate of the Angel, exposing a more organic-looking layer of massive flesh. But the Angel swung its arms and threw Unit 01 back, removing its lance-like bones from the Eva's chest and flinging Shinji away.

Eva Unit 01 crashed into the streets, colliding with various city lights, lamp posts, and power lines along the way. The various pieces of infrastructure were torn from the ground and went flying wide into the night sky before crashing down with heavy thuds elsewhere. Glass shattered and car alarms started off in the distance.

Shinji brought the Eva to its feet again even as the Angel ran after him. Its lance-like bones held outward for another stab.

 _Have to end this fast!_ Shinji thought.

He gulped at the sight of the monsters rushing for him, lances raised.

_**To live is to suffer. Accept the pain, accept that you're going to get hit, and make an opening.** _

"What the hell are you doing!" Misato yelled into his ear via the comm system.

Shinji didn't even try to move Unit 01 out of the way, he waited for the Angel to reach him and crouched knowing he was about to get hurt. He let the Angel get close and  _allowed himself_ to get impaled by the strange lance-like bones…

The boy screamed and forced Unit 01 to grab the Angel by its wide shoulders.

He forced the Angel down as he brought Unit 01's knee up, and hit it square in the face. The blow shattered more of the monstrous thing's faceplate.

The Angel stumbled dazed as Shinji brought 01's knee into its faceplate, again and again, cracking it more and more, and exposing more of its flesh.

Shinji struggled as the Angel forced itself back, breaking free of his grasp, but he used 01's damaged hand to grab one of the lance like structures. They had pierced into his Eva's armor but had never gone completely through, and now he was getting his revenge for his damaged arm.

The Angel did break free of Shinji's grasp, but he ripped out one of its lance-like bones along the way. Angel blood that almost looked like LCL seeped out of its wound and Shinji and his Eva stumbled back holding the strange weapon in his hand.

"Shinji. It's forming an AT field!" Ritsuko yelled into his comm.

Sure enough, when Shinji tried to strike the Angel he found his Eva's fist repelled by flashes of light that rippled in strange patterns upon impact.

The Angel was dying and doing its best to protect itself.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the NERV headquarters, Ritsuko was called by one of her technicians saying "Dr. Akagi! Shinji's sync ratio is rising! 68.9% now! He's repairing Unit 01's hand and negating the Angel's AT field!"

Ritsuko and Misato watched nervously as the fight between Angel and boy waged on.

* * *

**_This will hurt._ **

"This really hurts," Shinji said as blood trailed down his nose.

He didn't know how, but the Eva's damaged hand felt better. The boy gasped feeling something inside of him, an instinct he didn't know existed, and he plunged his other good hand into the Angel's AT Field and found that he could pierce it.

 ** _Now._** The voice rasped.

Shinji winced from the strain as he literally pulled the Angel's AT Field apart with 01's good hand; then he used his damaged hand to stab the lance-like Angel bone into the monstrous beast's head.

* * *

"He used the Angel's own weapon against it... " Ritsuko murmured in awe.

Mutters filled the command room.

* * *

Shinji felt resistance even as he stabbed the lance-like bone directly into the Angel's exposed organic-looking layer of flesh where its brain should have been. He groaned putting all his strength into it and forced the bone deeper and deeper.

The Angel tried to resist, it reached upward throwing its arms around Eva Unit 01 and wrapped itself around the Eva.

* * *

"It's going to self-destruct!" Ritsuko and Misato shouted into Shinji's ear via the comm system.

* * *

Shinji released his grip on the lance-like bone as the Angel drew Unit 01 closer and closer into its embrace. The Angel's arms transformed, stretching and forming into strange threads of flesh that wrapped themselves around the Eva.

"I can't break free!" Shinji panicked as he tried to rip his arms free but found that he couldn't

_**Throw it.** _

_I can't!_ Shinji thought. His heartbeat was rising, he could feel the pounding in his chest. He didn't belong here, he was just a kid. He didn't know what he was doing.

**_You can._ **

* * *

"Dr. Akagi, it's happening again! Shinji's sync ratio is raising! 70%! Now 75%! It keeps growing!"

"How? That doesn't make any sense?"

* * *

**_You can break free._ **

"I can break free!" Shinji yelled as blood trailed down his face.

He found a strength he didn't know he had and then ripped Unit 01's arms free. The Evangelion tore through the Angel's flesh, ripping its arms free of its foe, and a shower of blood splattered to the floor.

Shinji grabbed the now arm-less Angel and lifted it above himself.

* * *

"Dr. Akagi! The boy's sync ratio is at 91%!"

* * *

_**Throw him away from the city.** _

"I'm throwing him away from the city!" Shinji said nearly screaming as he sensed blood in his mouth and tears in his eyes. His head was hurting so much he thought he would pass out, but he ignored it for now.

Eva Unit 01 swung the arm-less Angel, throwing the beast high into the night sky, throwing it as far from the city as he could manage.

BOOM!

The Angel self-destructed before it even landed, exploding into a bright cross-shaped figure of fire in mid-air as it soared over empty terrain outside the city. 

* * *

Unit 01 slumped to its knees as Shinji breathed out heavy haggard breaths, and he slumped into his seat from inside his Entry Plug. He spat out blood from his mouth and brought a hand to his face finding more blood, his blood.

He'd had another nosebleed it seemed, a violent one. And his head was throbbing in so much pain he felt tears in his eyes.

"Shinji, you did it! It didn't get much of the city!" Misato cheered into his ear via the comm system.

 _Need my meds. Take your pills, Shinji. Take your pills..._ he thought weakly, his mind a haze of sensations.

His eyes felt heavier and heavier. His vision grew into a blur of color, his lower face dripping down blood as he blinked.

"Shinji? Hey, is everything alright? Shinji? Shinji!" Misato called after several moments of silence.

The fourteen-year-old boy passed out.

...

Later, that's how the recovery team found Shinji. Unconscious and still slumped into the seat of his Entry Plug, dried blood covering his face and old tears sliding down his cheeks.

He wouldn't wake until the next day in an empty hospital room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No illustrations this time, sorry guys. 
> 
> Little bit of divergence here, and there will be more.  
> Mostly told from Shinji's POV but it will switch up a bit later on.
> 
> I wanted to make Shinji still an uncertain kid more than anything else, a lonely guy who just wants people to be nice to him like in the series.  
> He's been altered and at least for now he doesn't have 'the Beast of Unit 01' or 'Berserk Mode' to help him when he loses control. He has to do more things on his own, so I had him actually win his first fight on his own but it wasn't easy.
> 
> Thanks for Reading and please Review


	3. Katsuragi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji recovers from his first piloting run and settles into his new home. What did this strange boy draw as a kid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this is not really an action chapter.  
> This is more of a character focused chapter with a mixing of the original series and divergences.

" _When I was a kid, I didn't like adults. They lied, they pretended to be something that they weren't._ _They manipulated people._ _And they always wanted something from me. I only hope I didn't become the thing I hated."_

**_– the broken man_ **

* * *

_Five years ago.  
_ _Dr. Page's office._

"Okay, Shinji. How are you doing today?"

As always, the American doctor spoke with a warm faked smile.

"Fine," Little Shinji lied in a low murmur.

The child sat uncomfortably in his chair, feeling small and feeble within the confines of the stale and lifeless white room.

He didn't want to be here, but he didn't want to go back to the mental ward either. Every week he was brought back here to Dr. Page's office, back to the same fake smile. And even here they made him wear the white scrubs from the ward. White, everything always had to be in white.

"That's very good. Now, I hear the nosebleeds have decreased. When was your last one?" Dr. Page asked.

"16 days ago," Shinji answered.

He ran a hand across his face, remembering the time he had nearly passed out in the hall outside his room. The day it had happened, he had started to see things again, he had heard sounds from far off and yet close at the same time. He had been there in the hall, and somewhere else at the same time.

His incidents were a terrifying and strange merging of reality that he could not make sense of. Two sets of senses that bled together in a painting of insanity, a hammering blow to his mind that sent him reeling, and left him untrusting of himself and the world around him.

Then... he would pass out. Perhaps it was better that way, to leave the madness behind and wake up later.

_**She knew the answer… before… you ever… walked… in the… room.** _

The thing in Shinji's head stirred again, but where the voice had been painful and audible, it now came weaker, quieter, and as if from a great distance. The voice was distorted and came in little pieces. Still, the lonely little boy flinched at the sensation.

Dr. Page scrawled more notes onto her clipboard, her eyes never leaving him as she did so. She always did that in their weekly meetings, he was like a puzzle to her that could not be solved no matter how hard she tried. She faked another smile his way and reached into her coat pocket pulling out a small prescription bottle.

Placing the bottle of red pills on her desk, Page said, "go on Shinji. It's okay."

_**She… doesn't care… about you…** _

"Can… can I have some water?" Little Shinji said slowly.

She stood up and reached into a small refrigerator she kept tucked in the corner of her office, then grabbed a small bottle of cold water for her patient.

"Thank you," Little Shinji murmured as he took the water and scooped two of the red pills into his hand.

_**NO. Don't… don't take them… Shinji... hide them… under… your tongue...** _

Little Shinji stared at the red pills in his hand. Page was watching him, she never missed a thing he did. It was unnerving, the doctor's eyes were heavy observant things and he found it hard to breathe under their strain.

_**Don't… draw anymore... don't remember... just... forget...** _

Little Shinji slid the pills into his mouth and swallowed them with a long drink of water. Within minutes, the thing in his head settled down. It was not permanent, the voice was never really gone. It would come back; it always came back.

"Now then, let's continue our session for today. I brought you paper and your favorite coloring pencils," Dr. Page said in a falsely sweet tone that made Shinji wince.

The woman pulled the objects from her desk, a single stack of paper followed by a box of coloring pencils.

He hated this part.

Dr. Page called them 'his favorite coloring pencils', but they weren't his. And he didn't want to do this anymore.

He looked at the paper and coloring pencils on the desk, avoiding Dr. Page's gaze.

"Do I have to?" He stammered in a quiet tone.

"Now Shinji, I'm here to help you. I  _want_ you to draw me a picture of your dreams," Dr. Page said looking at him unblinkingly.

 _She always wants something from me,_ he thought.

The lonely little boy reluctantly grabbed the paper and coloring pencils. Taking his time, he flattened the paper and began to draw for what seemed like the thousandth time.

What emerged on the paper was a crude childlike sketch of a humanoid figure. The figure came into being along the colored lines with only its upper torso, amid a sea of black, and crucified. It was completely white save for its face. The humanoid was massive in size, without meaning to Little Shinji had drawn the silhouette of a woman in the bottom, and the humanoid figure towered over her.

The creature was at least the size of a building.

"What's that?" Dr. Page asked as Little Shinji continued to draw, seemingly not yet finished.

"Stick with a point on its end," he whispered in a low voice.

Dr. Page stilled at his answer watching as he moved the red coloring pencil back and forth along the paper.

"... A spear?" she questioned in a tight-lipped controlled voice.

His doctor spoke in a measured tone that made him pause momentarily before he continued wanting to get this over with.

"Don't know," Little Shinji mumbled in a daze, his tone distant and tired.

His face was beginning to pale and his head was throbbing as he forced himself to remember.

The boy moved the coloring pencil letting harsh painful memories guide him, drawing the 'stick with a point on its end' to be impaled upon the humanoid figure's chest. It was drawn all in red, in stark contrast to the white creature.

Dr. Page scribbled more notes into her clipboard furiously.

"That's it," Little Shinji said.

He put down the coloring pencils and looked up at Dr. Page with fatigued gaunt eyes.

Two drops of blood began to drip down from his nose and they ran down his face. He shuddered at the sensation, the nosebleed and the headaches that lingered after he drew.

He watched nervously as Page finished her notes, then took the drawing from him. Another of Shinji's many drawings to be held by the doctor.

Page handed him a tissue without so much as looking at him.

Little Shinji wiped his face and blew his nose, he didn't want to be here.

"That will do, for now, Shinji. I'm very happy to have seen you today," she said. She didn't even look up from her notes.

* * *

 _Present Day_  
Tokyo-03  
Hospital

When Shinji woke, he didn't startle out of bed. He didn't jump, he didn't even flinch, instead, he slowly opened his heavy eyes and stared at the ceiling above him.

_I never did like hospitals._

Slowly, he sat up in his bed. His head wasn't hurting anymore, but the last thing he remembered before passing out was the pain and the tears in his eyes. Shinji raised his arm, the arm that the Eva had taken damage on, and found that, of course,  _his_ arm was fine.

"It felt so… real," Shinji murmured, remembering the feeling of his arm being nearly ripped off.

He raised his head looking at the empty hospital room he was in. It was white, these rooms were always so white and sterile, so lifeless even when people occupied them.

He had grown to hate rooms like this. He was used to them, but he never liked them. Even in his time in the ward, he and Mari had drawn pictures and taped them all over his private room, the staff hadn't cared because when had they ever cared about anything other than his medicine? At least at first anyway...

Looking outside the window, he could see that it was still very early in the morning. Probably not even six a.m. yet.

Shinji got out of bed and without a second thought, he opened the door to his room and stepped out into the empty hall wearing nothing but his hospital gown.

* * *

When the nurse came into the private room, she had been pulling along a cart filled with food trays. She'd been told their newest patient was still unconscious and she had been planning to leave the tray on his bedside as she'd done for countless others.

That had been before she stepped into the room and found that the patient was no longer there.

"What?" the nurse said, startled as she looked around the room.

The nurse walked further in glancing at the small bathroom in the corner. She knocked, but there was no answer. The nurse opened the door, not caring about the patient's privacy for the moment, and found the bathroom empty too.

"Oh. I am so fired…" the nurse said holding up the food tray stupidly as she stood in the empty room.

* * *

Shinji wandered the empty halls of the hospital aimlessly.

He didn't know where he was going, he just didn't want to be stuck in another white room. There wasn't many staff around this early, but he did notice two nurses chatting from inside one of the rooms, and when Shinji heard them he froze.

"That poor girl, just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Angel attacks and people always get caught in the crossfire," one nurse said.

"At least she's still breathing. She's lucky to be alive. If the debris had landed a little closer then it'd be another story. The shelters can only do so much. God, some days the job weighs on you," the other nurse said.

Shinji stood outside, leaning against the doorway as the nurses inside conversed. He felt his heart sink at the news that at least one person, probably more, had been hurt during his fight with the Angel.

The boy wearing nothing but his hospital gown hid around the corner as the chatting nurses left their room. The women headed off down the hallway away from Shinji, and he moved.

He turned the corner once they were gone and stepped inside the room.

Inside, he found a small girl laying in a bed unconscious, a respirator having to breathe for her, and wrapped in blankets. She was alive, but she looked like she was in a coma.

Shinji felt sharp pains of guilt and he nearly teared up as he stepped closer. He looked at the girl's patient chart, the kind that nurses left on beds for the doctors to read when they came for checkups.

"Sakura Suzuhara," Shinji read aloud from the patient's chart.

_**Some paths cannot be altered.** _

He shuddered at the thing in his head, and he felt an emotion that was his and yet not his. Sadness and guilt, but two-fold, one from him, and one from somewhere else. Shinji felt a tear that didn't belong to him run down his face. He wiped it off and spoke quietly to the wounded girl before him.

"I'm sorry…"

Before he turned, leaving the girl to her room.

…

Shinji wandered aimlessly again, avoiding the hospital staff until he found the stairwell.

He didn't really know where he was going. He wanted to clear his head, especially after learning that even doing everything he could to minimize the damage to the city, people had still been hurt. He climbed the stairs until he eventually found himself on the roof of the hospital.

Once he was there, he didn't know what to do.

So Shinji took a seat and watched the morning sky. He never liked hospitals. But now, thinking about that girl filled him with mixed emotions that he didn't fully understand.

The sun was rising and as it did, Shinji watched the buildings of Tokyo-03 emerge from the thin layers of darkness that had covered the city at night.

"That building… that's where we fought," Shinji murmured to himself.

He could see the small army of construction vehicles and workers in the distance setting up shop. The construction workers were inspecting the building with a large tunnel-like 'hole' cut out of its side. The building that the Angel had collided into when Shinji had kicked it.

_How did I do that? It's like my body knew what to do on its own._

_**It was all you, you'd be surprised how much you can actually accomplish. I only pushed you in the right direction.** _

Shinji flinched and took another deep breath. The small twinges of pain from within his skull came whenever the thing in his head stirred. They unnerved him, and they had been coming back more and more lately. The voice speaking more frequently.

"I'm going crazy again," he murmured somberly. The lonely boy put his arms around himself tight, curling into himself as he shuddered at the thing inside his head. This foreign aspect of his mind that haunted him and had done so since he was a child.

_**You're not crazy, Shinji. You never were.** _

"Need my pills."

_**Don't take them anymore. They mess with your head.** _

Shinji only shook his head. He looked back up at the buildings being repaired in the distance and wondered what else had happened during his fight with the Angel.

Strangely, he could remember the whole thing almost the instant he'd woken up. He could remember debris flying through the night sky as the Eva and the Angel fought, remembered street lights and power lines being ripped from the ground and sent flying into the air… where had they landed? What had they hit?

_**The others will tell you that it's not your fault. But you won't believe them.** _

"That girl?" Shinji whispered slowly.

_**You killed the Angel, what would have happened if you had failed? Suzuhara wouldn't even be alive, at least here there is hope for the future.** _

"That doesn't make me feel better. Damn it, I'm talking to it again. I'm not supposed to talk to it," Shinji murmured angrily.

_**Next time will be different, you'll see.** _

"Next time?" Shinji whispered to himself… and the thing inside his head. They were going to make him pilot the Eva again, weren't they? That was why his father had sent for him.

_**Rei. Think of Rei.** _

_Even if I don't pilot they'll just make her do it instead…_ Shinji thought, remembering the image of the heartless nurses pushing a stretcher with a wounded girl towards the Eva.

"Damn him," Shinji said to himself. And to think, he had wanted to see his father again…

_**Yes, damn him. You're doing well. Don't trust Gendo.** _

He instinctively reached for his bag, instinctively made to grab his red pills, but of course, all he had was his hospital gown and the morning sky above him.

"Shut up. Just… just leave me alone," Shinji said holding his head, it had started to throb painfully the moment the voice had stirred again.

_**You really want to be alone?** _

Shinji didn't speak. No one had ever asked him that question before, and his heart seemed to slump at the question for reasons he didn't know.

_**Do. You. Want. To. Be. Alone?** _

"Go away... " Shinji whispered aloud into the empty air.

Then, just as suddenly as it had stirred, the thing in Shinji's head vanished. The voice disappeared and his head stopped throbbing. Just like that, no pills at all.

He truly was alone.

Shinji felt the wind blow across his body, felt himself shiver at the cold, but he was used to the cold by now. He knew he should probably leave, but he didn't want to go back to that room again.

* * *

"Okay, he's a small teenage boy. Around 14 or so, he was brought in with a severe nosebleed and reports of trauma. Black hair, oh and he should still be in his hospital gown," the nurse was saying to the security guards on duty.

She'd given up on trying to find the missing patient on her own and had instead bitten the figurative bullet, and informed her higher-ups. They had then proceeded to enlists the hospital security's aid.

"Okay ma'am, anything else we should know?" one of the security men said.

"Ah… yes. His medical records show that he… um… the boy is… well… he's... troubled," the nurse said trying to find the right wording.

The security men looked at her blankly, the nurse sighed and leaned in close to whisper what Shinji's medical records showed.

"He's retarded?" one of the men asked.

_SLAP_

The security guard flinched as the nurse struck him.

"No! He's not mentally disabled! And even if he was, we do not call people that anymore!" the nurse said growing angry at that term.

"Ma'am, you just told us he spent five years in the looney bin. The madhouse," the man said, clutching his cheek where the nurse had slapped him.

"Yes, but everyone deserves common decency. He is... he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia as a child. A  _former_ Schizophrenic," the nurse made sure to clarify.

"Lady, is the kid  _slow_  or not? We need to know what we're dealing with," another guard said.

"No! He's fine... he has normal intelligence he's just... troubled. Look, the point is that he's missing and we need to find him," the nurse said.

"Alright, alright, we'll look around. Only hope the weirdo isn't spaced out somewhere," the security guard who had been slapped said. The man left the nurse and her scowl behind.

* * *

 _Nerv  
_ _Commander Ikari's Office_

Gendo Ikari picked up the phone impatiently.

"What is it? I am very busy," Gendo scowled into the phone.

"Commander Ikari, we have a call from the hospital. Should I patch them through?" the Nerv technician said through the phone. The poor woman was absolutely terrified at bothering the commander of Nerv himself.

"Go ahead," Gendo replied coldly.

There was an audible clicking sound that Gendo detested before a new voice was patched into his call.

"… Mr. Ikari, this is the hospital calling. I'm sorry to inform you that your son is currently missing."

Gendo considered that for a moment, before replying "how?"

"The nurse found his room empty, we don't think he's gotten very far but we felt it prudent to inform you and to ask if you could come quickly. Given Shinji's history, it might be better if a friendly face was looking for him to-"

"No," Gendo cut in simply.

"I… I'm sorry?"

"I can't be bothered by this nonsense. I trust in your ability to find a single missing patient, a child at that. We will send someone for the boy in a few hours," Gendo Ikari said.

"Sir… he is your-"

"Is there anything else?" Gendo cut in harshly.

"… no. That is all," the voice on the other line said in barely a whisper.

Gendo hung up the phone.

"That was rude," another voice called suddenly.

Gendo looked up to see his 'partner', Deputy Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki, standing in the doorway of his office.

"I do not have the time nor patience to be kind,'" Gendo replied as his second in command stepped inside.

"Hmm, a good thing you are the commander then and not the director of public relations. You know they're having a field day with this. They actually have something positive to do for once. I have instructed them not to release your son's name to the general public, but Nerv has a higher approval rating as of the last Angel incursion," Fuyutsuki said.

Gendo considered that. It was one of his most defining characteristics, he was a sharp man, he never missed a thing, his cold personality and methods allowed him to see things on a bigger picture instead of the smaller more mundane problems. A man who looked after the fleet and not a single ship.

"I am aware. Was there something you needed?" Gendo asked.

Fuyutsuki was perhaps the only living person who could be said to know and speak with him on a regular basis. Gendo could not call them friends, for he knew that Fuyutsuki did not particularly like him, but they worked well together.

"Dr. Akagi was asking to see Shinji's files again. His sync ratio during the incident was remarkable, to say the least. Though, I suspect there is very little that his files could do to explain his compatibility with Unit 01," Fuyutsuki said.

Gendo shook his head saying, "Dr. Akagi is denied access to Shinji's medical files."

"Is that wise? The boy's file on record is not exactly... complete. I doubt any harm could come from 'that' file anyway," Fuyutsuki said softly.

"Dr. Akagi is useful, but she is too curious for her own good. She has more to worry about than a single pilot," Gendo countered offhandedly.

Fuyutsuki raised an eyebrow and gestured to the file on Gendo's desk.

The documents that were  _not_  kept on record for the general public or even Nerv itself, the complete and uncensored records that only a select few had ever seen. Shinji's files over the course of five years worth of medical examination, psychological evaluation, blood work, and multiple MRI scans of the boy's brain.

"May I?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"You may," Gendo said as Kozo Fuyutsuki, former professor of metaphysical biology at Kyoto University, reached into the folder containing Shinji's real files and pulled out a single photo of the boy's MRI. A brain scan.

Holding the results of the scan, Fuyutsuki shook his head in  _awe._ Gendo had had a similar reaction many years ago on the day he had first seen the results for himself.

"Truly remarkable. Yet from what we understand of the Evas, this should have stopped the boy from being able to pilot," Fuyutsuki said frowning.

"Yet he piloted anyway. Piloted better than most," Gendo said simply, not the least bit impressed despite the contradiction that was Shinji Ikari's brain.

Fuyutsuki gave him a disappointed glance, the excitement of a scientist that Gendo no longer shared.

 _I see the look in your eye, Kozo. The answer is no. I do not have the time to be awed or curious. The boy is an asset, one that we have a use for,_ Gendo thought.

 _"_ Hmm, _"_ Fuyutsuki breathed with a nod, seeming to know what his superior was thinking.

Gendo held out his hand, and Fuyutsuki reluctantly handed the only known existing copy of Shinji's MRI results back to him.

"Was there anything else?" Gendo asked.

"Yes, SEELE expects to speak with you within the hour," Fuyutsuki said.

Gendo considered that. The cold man's face was unreadable as always, then he answered.

"I will speak to them shortly."

That was about as polite as a 'goodbye' as Gendo would ever give. Fuyutsuki bowed respectfully and left the man to his office, left the man to study his son's MRI.

* * *

_The Hospital_

The door to the roof opened and Shinji turned to find a security guard standing in the doorway, followed closely by a nurse wearing a pair of scrubs.

The man scowled at the sight of a fourteen-year-old patient, sitting alone on the roof, and wearing nothing but his hospital gown.

"Hey there, don't freak out. Just stay right there," the security guard said.

Shinji watched as the man called someone on his radio, saying that he'd found the missing kid. The security guard pocketed his radio, then turned back to Shinji. The man didn't put on a fake smile, Shinji gave him that much. The guard did not pretend.

"Okay. You need to come with us," The security guard said slowly.

Shinji got to his feet as the nurse stepped past the security guard and strode towards him.

 _Why do they always do that? It doesn't mean anything..._ Shinji thought.

The nurse had done the thing all adults did when they knew about his head problems, she gave him that same fake sad smile, the smile that meant he made them nervous. Shinji noticed the way she walked towards him, the way she knelt and made to grab his hand.

Only Shinji pulled his hand away from the nurse as she spoke.

"Hello there, Shinji. You gave us quite the scare," the nurse said kindly. She was a young woman, maybe younger than Misato, with brown hair and kind eyes.

"I just wanted some fresh air… I don't like hospitals," Shinji said turning from the nurse's gaze.

"I see, I can understand that. But we need you to come with us back to your room. Is that okay? You didn't even eat your breakfast. Aren't you hungry?" the nurse said in a warm friendly tone. She knelt down slightly as she spoke as if she was talking to a toddler.

He'd heard the tone in her voice before, and he never liked it.

"Stop that," Shinji said suddenly.

The security guard stirred and the nurse froze.

Shinji turned and stared directly back at the nurse before him. She meant well, but he still didn't like that tone. He had spent years in the ward, but he had been deemed healthy. Had been deemed responsible enough to handle his own medication, how many patients could say the same? Yet people still treated him different, the stigma that comes from having mental health issues.

Hell, he'd been deemed responsible enough to pilot a giant robot and use it to kill an Angel.

"I'm not a child. And I'm not going to have a breakdown. I'm sorry for leaving my room, I'll go back with you now," Shinji said to the nurse and security guard.

In his head, Shinji imagined himself cool and collected, standing tall before the adults and their attempts to keep him calm. In reality, Shinji thought he sounded sad more than anything else. He didn't tower over them, and he wasn't cool, he was awkward and shorter than both of them.

"Let's go," Shinji said avoiding their gaze before they could say anything. He started towards the door and didn't bother waiting for the nurse to catch up to him.

The security guard made way for him down the stairs and kept a close eye on him. Shinji said nothing as they walked down.

Making it back down into the halls, Shinji stopped at the sight of Rei Ayanami laying in a stretcher being pushed along by the hospital staff.

 _Always in a stretcher, why is she always like this? Why is she always hurt?!_ Shinji thought.

Rei lay still but awake, as the nurses moved her along.

Before the nurse or security guard from earlier could stop him, Shinji followed after them. He didn't stop to think, Mari had always told him that he thought too much, and instead, he found himself in front of Rei's stretcher and the staff blocking their way forward.

"Young man, shouldn't you be in your room?" one of the nurses said. The nurses in question were forced to stop the stretcher before Shinji.

"I… I will be," Shinji said awkwardly. He hadn't thought this far ahead, and he didn't know why but he had wanted to see Rei again.

The girl in question only looked up at him with emotionless eyes behind her bandages. She didn't speak, she only stared at him.

"Rei… I… are you okay?" Shinji stammered before he forced himself to meet Rei's eyes. The nurses who had been pulling the wounded girl's stretcher paused at the concern in his voice, and they exchanged a look.

Rei paused at that before answering, "my body will recover."

 _The way she talks. So empty and flat…_ he thought. The pale girl's voice was as low as a whisper, a soft gentle thing.

Shinji scowled saying, "that's not the point. They shouldn't have tried to make you do it, but... I..."

He found himself losing steam as he remembered forcing himself to pilot Eva Unit 01, he had only done it because he hadn't wanted Rei to get hurt. That had seemed cruel on Nerv's part, and part of him wondered if Gendo had wanted him to see her in that state.

Regardless, he could tell that Rei was in real pain the day of the attack.

"I'm sorry that you got hurt," Shinji said, calming down but finding it hard to look at the girl and her wounds.

"Hey there! Where are you running off to now!" the security guard was calling as he and the nurse from earlier came striding after Shinji.

He glanced back, he knew they'd be angry he'd run off like that again. He knew they'd force him to stay in his room again.

Shinji quickly turned back to Rei and took her hand in his. He was careful not to hurt her any further in her fragile state.

She tilted her head at him, glancing at their hands.

"I hope you get better soon. Goodbye Rei," he said before letting go of her hand and turning to head back the way he came.

He felt Rei's eyes on him as he moved, and he wasn't sure what to make of it.

As Shinji was leaving, heading back to the security guard and nurse from earlier, he noticed Rei's nurses looking at the two teenagers. One of the nurses smirked and she mouthed the words 'young love' to her coworker.

 _It's not like that…_ Shinji thought annoyed. A second later, the security guard muttered, "damn teenagers and their hormones."

He scowled, stupid adults always thinking that they knew everything.

* * *

_Hours later_

Misato Katsuragi signed the paperwork for Shinji's release from the hospital.

The hospital clerk gave her the room number. Collecting Shinji didn't take long, he only changed into some street clothes and grabbed his things before they headed out.

Amazingly, her car was still in working order despite the damages from the attack. Shinji hadn't seemed to care about the disastrous shape of her car, which was nice she supposed.

 _And I only had one more payment left… damn Angels,_ the older woman thought as she drove on with her passenger.

Misato was surprised at how quiet the boy was, but then again even during the Angel attack, he hadn't gone out of his way to speak much.

"So, I heard you gave the hospital quite the scare? You feeling rebellious? Wanted to go find some liquor and maybe a pretty girl?" Misato teased while she drove.

That seemed to wake the boy up. He snapped up to attention from the passenger seat saying, "what? No, I don't- I don't drink."

Misato chuckled saying, "I did when I was your age. It's okay, you know. I get it, everybody is a bit rebellious when they're a teen. Good times."

"I'm not a rebel," Shinji said looking away.

"And what's this I hear about you putting the moves on Rei? Nice work, you two be careful now, you may be pilots but you're still pretty young. At least use protection," Misato teased giving him a good playful slap on the arm.

She beamed as Shinji actually blushed and opened his mouth to speak, couldn't find the words, and instead stammered out "no. That's not what happene- I… it's not like that."

 _Dear god, this kid is a comedy gold mine,_ Misato thought. She couldn't stop the smirk emerging on her face.

"Stop smirking," Shinji said, but she caught the hint of a smile on his lips regardless.

"Alright, I get it. Young love and all. But seriously, what you did was brave. Rei was in no condition to pilot," Misato said.

"I know," Shinji said looking away again.

 _What's up with that? Every time people try to_ _compliment_ _him he looks away? He killed a freaking Angel but he's shy?! This kid is a COMEDY GOLD MINE!_  Misato thought grinning.

"I don't like the way you're smiling," Shinji said looking at her with a soft smile on his face.

 _He never smiles much. I'm glad I can make him laugh,_ Misato noted.

"Oh, be afraid Shinji. Be very afraid," Misato teased.

* * *

_Later  
Apartment Block_

"You can't be serious?" Misato said, frowning at the Nerv officer before her.

Shinji stayed silent.

"I am completely serious. Shinji Ikari has been assigned a place in Nerv's apartment complex. He is to be the only resident. Look, I don't make the rules. I just document what's needed. Can you sign here?" the Nerv officer said.

The man in question held up a clipboard impatiently, a single line of text that Shinji's appointed guardian for the time being needed to sign. Misato held the pen in her hand but hesitated.

She turned to Shinji and saw the boy staring ahead at nothing in particular. She got the feeling that he sometimes spaced out like that.

"I don't mind. I'm used to being alone," was all Shinji had said.

 _Used to being alone? What the fuc- he's a kid,_ Misato thought, frowning.

"What about his father? Why can't he just live with him? Does Gendo even know about this?" Misato began. Only for Shinji to speak up so quickly that he startled both Misato and the Nerv officer.

"No," Shinji said, his eyes wide.

The two adults stared at the teenager before them.

"I don't want to live with Gendo. He doesn't want me to live with him. No… just… no," Shinji said not meeting their eyes.

"See, the kid is into it. Sign on the dotted line please," the Nerv officer said impatiently.

Misato turned back to the man and scowled.

"I will not," she said.

"Excuse me?" the Nerv officer said confused.

Misato crossed her arms saying, "add him to my residence. I was appointed his guardian for the time being anyway. I'll settle any paperwork."

The Nerv officer met Misato's gaze, and the man seemed to sense that she would not back down. The man sighed and nodded saying that he would do as she asked, but that she would need to notify the higher ups.

...

_Ten minutes later_

Shinji stood watching his appointed guardian hurriedly talk on the phone. He didn't know what to make of this. Why had she gone out of her way like that? Why had she taken on a burden like him?

 _Now I feel bad that she doesn't know about my health issues. She'll find out sooner or later, and then everything changes…_ he thought.

As Shinji brooded, Misato spoke with Dr. Akagi over the phone so loudly that the boy could hear almost every word of their conversation.

"What do you mean you have to cancel? Do you know how long it takes me to get a day off work? And taking in Shinji? What in the world are you thinking!" Ritsuko Akagi practically yelled over the phone.

"I'm sorry, but we can go bar-hopping some other time. It just kinda happened, I already sorted it out," Misato was saying as Shinji stared.

"He was given an apartment. Why didn't you let him take it?" Ritsuko asked over the phone.

"I couldn't leave him there like that. Besides, how bad could it be? I've had worse roommates before. And don't worry I won't be making any passes on him," Misato giggled.

Shinji tilted his head. Misato was a very strange adult indeed.

"Of course you're not! How could you even think of such a thing?! He's a goddamn kid! Have you no shame!-" Ritsuko started yelling over the phone again.

Misato flinched back muttering "some people can't take a joke."

 _I can hear everything you two say,_ Shinji thought.

"Misato! This is a bad idea. You don't know how to take care of a kid. Especially a kid like Shinji. Have you even seen his file? Listen, you really shouldn't look after someone with his condit-"

_CLICK._

Misato gasped as the phone call was abruptly ended.

The line went dead and the phone rang a generic tone in response.

Misato looked up and saw that Shinji had walked over and tapped the end-call button. He had moved so quietly that she had never even noticed him until she'd heard the phone click. She blinked at him in surprise.

Shinji had hung up her phone mid-conversation. Ritsuko would not be happy.

"She was yelling," was all Shinji said.

The boy turned, heading back for Misato's car. Without even glancing back, he said: "don't we need to get groceries?"

Misato laughed.

 _The balls on this kid,_ she thought with a smirk.

* * *

_Misato's apartment_

"Well, here we are. Home sweet home!" Misato said loudly. She and her new roommate stood in the doorway, carrying their recently acquired groceries, and by groceries that meant mostly instant food and beer.

Shinji hesitated, saying "I don't want to intrude."

Misato sighed.

"Shinji, this is your home now."

"Okay," the boy said stepping inside… only to be surprised when Misato flipped the light switch revealing a reasonably sized apartment that was completely littered with trash.

Empty beer cans, trash, various assortments of recyclables, all piled out and littered around the apartment with no trashcan or bin in sight. Shinji blinked in surprise as he took in the mess.

"Oh yeah, sorry the place is a bit messy. But make yourself comfortable," Misato said casually.

 _A bit messy? This is unlike anywhere I've ever stayed. The ward was always so sterile, empty, and white. Teacher's house was small but comfortable. Here? There's so much trash… It's kinda funny,_ Shinji thought _._

"Hey, can you put the groceries in the fridge?" Misato called as Shinji walked further in exploring the place.

"Sure," Shinji answered as he found the fridge.

He opened it to find nothing but beer, ice, and more instant food.

 _She doesn't have any 'real' food?_ he thought with a chuckle. Shinji hadn't spent much time in the outside world, but he remembered watching TV in the ward when the staff let him. And in the TV shows it was the teenagers whom only ate instant food, not the adults.

Without being asked, Shinji cleared the table and cleaned the kitchen up a bit so people could walk through it easier. It was a thing he'd learned to do from his time in the ward, it had been a part of his good behavior that the doctors had noted.

As he was cleaning, he noticed something moving on the floor and turned to see… a penguin walking past the kitchen. Shinji stared at it, surprised when it turned to stare back at him.

' _What are you looking at?'_ the penguin seemed to say.

"Misato! You're not going to believe me but there's a… there's a penguin in your kitchen," Shinji called not believing his eyes.

"Oh, that's just Pen-pen. He's our other roommate. Did he give you 'the glare'? That's just how he says hi," Misato called laughing.

"Okay," Shinji said slowly, he wasn't sure what to make of that.

He turned only to see Pen-pen click a button near the fridge, which seemingly opened another compartment a little bigger than the penguin, and he watched as Pen-pen stepped inside before closing the specialized refrigerator compartment.

"I don't think he likes me," Shinji muttered.

…

Shinji didn't talk much as Misato made dinner for them, and for her, that meant taking the minute or two to heat up the instant food, grab a cold beer for herself and a glass of water for Shinji.

"Ah, that hits the spot," Misato was saying as she took another sip of her cold beer.

Shinji watched the older woman across the table from him drink, and drink, she truly was unlike any other adult he'd ever known. She even dressed differently than the other grownups.

"What's wrong, don't like the food?" Misato said, noting that her new roommate had barely eaten.

"No, it's not that. I was never allowed to eat food like this. I like it, I guess I just feel bad that you had to buy it for us. I don't have any way to pay you back," Shinji said. As he spoke, he looked down at the food wondering how much it had cost.

His entire life since his mother had died had been spent in either the mental ward, Dr. Page's office, or else at his teacher's house. He had no money. Shinji supposed he could try looking for a kind of job where they'd let him work, maybe save up and pay Misato back for the food. But that raised another problem in the boy's mind, how would he keep paying for his food? Misato was nice but it seemed wrong to take her money like that. And his room? Would Gendo pay for that? This was proving to be more difficult than Shinji had first imagined.

Misato laughed saying "this your home, feel free to take advantage of anything here. Except for me of course," she finished with a wink.

Shinji blushed and nearly choked on his food, stammering "what? I wouldn't do that I promise."

She only laughed again.

 _Honestly, she's worse than Mari ever was,_ Shinji thought with a sad smile.

"By the way, you will be getting paid for being a pilot," Misato said snapping Shinji out of his thoughts.

"What? I am?" Shinji said surprised.

"Yup, it's being put into an account because you're still too young to hold it all by law. But you're not doing this for free. We can get an allowance of some money for you every week or so if you want," Misato said taking another sip of her beer, she'd already finished her instant food.

Shinji considered that.

"I didn't pilot because I wanted money. I just didn't want Rei to get hurt," he said slowly.

Misato stared at him for a long time after that. Her gaze growing surprisingly serious before she spoke again.

"I know. That's pretty brave for a kid. Well done," she said honestly.

"Hey, Misato… can I ask you something?" Shinji said suddenly. The boy's demeanor darkened considerably as he spoke.

"Hmm?" Misato asked frowning at the change in the young boy.

"When I fought the Angel. There was damage to the city. What happened to the people that got hurt during the fight?" Shinji asked still not looking at her.

"They were taken to the hospital. Nerv keeps a record for public relations and a ton of other reasons. Apart from that, it's really up to the hospitals but as I understand it, Nerv does help with the bills," Misato said, paraphrasing one of the only pamphlets she'd read before taking this job.

"When I was in the hospital, I saw a girl that had been hurt during the attack. I know I shouldn't feel bad; I know people will tell me it's not my fault. But I can't help but feel that it is…" Shinji said speaking in a low soft voice.

He never met her eyes as he spoke. He realized that he did that a lot, and no doubt Misato noticed.

Misato put her beer down. She took a deep breath as if she had not been expecting that.

"It's not your fault, Shinji. You did the best that you could. All I can say is... next time things will be different. Nerv and the united nations have put a lot of thought into Angel attacks. Last time caught us off guard and we weren't ready," Misato said doing her best to sound mature and wise despite the light buzz she felt.

 _Shit, I'm doing a terrible job at this..._ Misato thought.

 _I've heard this speech before already. The thing in my head was right, on that rooftop earlier. I don't believe it,_ Shinji thought.

"You still saved the city. You saved Rei, Ritsuko, me, everyone in Nerv and Tokyo-03." Misato said slowly.

Shinji nodded but said nothing.

Misato sighed saying "shit. Sorry, Shinji, I'm not great at this 'being an adult' thing. I understand if you don't like it here."

"I like it here," Shinji said suddenly.

Misato blinked as something seemed to change in Shinji, he looked up at her and met her eyes as he spoke. Never once breaking her gaze, not even to blink.

"I like you the way you are," the boy said suddenly.

"What?" Misato said slowly. She'd been trying to apologize for not being what he expected, and now he had  _her_ stammering in surprise. What a strange day.

"You're not like the other ones," Shinji said slowly. He turned his gaze away from her and stared off into space again.

"Other ones?"

" **Adults. I don't like adults. They lie, they pretend to be something they're not. They pretend to like me when they don't. They manipulate people.**   **And they always want something from me. I don't like adults,** " Shinji said.

Again, he avoided her gaze as he spoke. He just stared off at nothing in particular instead.

 _The way he talks… no kid should sound so mature… so observant..._ Misato thought with a frown.

Suddenly Misato felt a wave of guilt wash over her. It made her frown uneasily as she thought about the fact that she did 'want' something from him. She wanted him to pilot Eva Unit 01 because he was perhaps the only one who could at the moment. After all, Shinji had completely broken the sync ratio records for a few seconds in the last Angel attack.

The boy had achieved a sync ratio of 91%. No one, not Rei, and not even the prodigy pilot from Germany had ever reached a sync ratio even close to that high.

"I know you think that's wrong because you wanted me to pilot the Eva, but you never lied to me about that. You didn't even know until we reached the hangar. I don't like adults… but you're not like that. You don't pretend. You don't lie," Shinji said finally turning to meet her eyes.

"I like you," he said at last.

And at that moment, Misato saw it. Something that didn't make sense. When Shinji had spoken at that moment, his eyes changed from that of a child's to a much older man's. The eyes of a man tired of the world, a kind of man who had seen what life had to offer, and was not impressed.

No child should be capable of having such eyes.

"Heh, I don't know what came over me. But I like it here. Anyway, it's getting late and I should go to bed," Shinji said getting up from the table.

The moment was over it seemed, the flash of maturity gone, and Shinji was once again a mere teenager with the timid eyes of youth.

"Night," Misato said staring after the boy as he headed for his room.

 _What a weird kid,_ Misato thought, taking another drink of her beer and smiling to herself, her new roommate sure was an interesting one.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time I wanted to focus more on Shinji as a character and his new relationships with Misato and even Rei.  
> Those files will come up again.
> 
> As I've said before, this fic will follow the cannon for a while before diverging and we're starting to see that now. In the future, I might brush some of the canon events to the side and jump further ahead to tell more of 'my' humble story.
> 
> Thanks for Reading and please Review. I'm always happy to hear feedback.


	4. Burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji settles into his new home. A new city, a new school, and a lesson learned.

 

" _As you get older, you start to see that_ _the world isn't that nice. Bad things happen, but you can't blame everything on yourself. It's too much for one person to take, too much of a burden to carry, you'll explode if you do. I know that better than anyone."_

**_\- the broken man_ **

* * *

In the days that followed the Angel attack and Shinji's incident at the hospital, the young boy fell into a rhythm of sorts. Daily tests and simulation runs with the Eva, closely monitored by Ritsuko and the other Nerv staff, splitting chores with Misato at home, and by splitting that meant mostly Shinji, and heading to school.

Misato kept an eye on him, she was his legally appointed guardian for the time being, but she noticed that there really was something odd about him. For one thing, the other Nerv staff wondered why Shinji kept piloting the Eva even under the simulations.

Shinji never seemed to enjoy piloting at all. The boy barely even seemed to care, always following instructions during the tests and at times clearly bored.

However, the contradiction remained that during the last attack Shinji Ikari had achieved a sync ratio of 91%. The young pilot had only been able to maintain that sync ratio for 12.3434343492 seconds according to the analyzed data via the Magi supercomputers, a truly remarkable feat… for someone who didn't seem to want to pilot at all.

Misato filled out her reports, but her thoughts on her new roommate continued to confuse her.

He was so young, yet at times he seemed mature and well thought, hell even more than she did and she was an adult. Yet at other times, Shinji Ikari was an awkward, shy boy who couldn't even meet Misato's gaze. She could make him blush with the smallest tease, but she also remembered his words at dinner when he had first moved in. Shinji didn't like adults, but he liked her. And the way he'd spoken, the way his eyes changed, it was like looking at a different person.

What a strange kid.

Misato had even given him access to a weekly allowance of his funds from piloting Unit 01, and the boy had barely bought anything with his new found money. The only thing Shinji spent money on was buying better food for the two of them, not just the instant stuff that Misato lived off of. She couldn't deny that he was a good cook; her diet had become increasingly healthier since Shinji started cooking for them.

Shinji did not watch TV or play video games like other kids his age. Instead, he only seemed to fall into his routine and stick to it, he even mentioned in passing that he "didn't mind cleaning." What kind of teenager doesn't mind cleaning?

So she'd gotten him a phone… a phone that Shinji never used. Not a single call, not from anyone even at school as far as she could tell. The boy seemed to have no friends at all. It made her wonder if she was doing something wrong.

Not that she minded having Shinji around, the apartment was noticeably cleaner with the young boy's presence. Her breakfast meals were indeed a vast improvement when she often found Shinji up and cooking while she was still barely getting out of bed.

 _What kind of kid gets up early in the morning?_  Misato had thought.

"When I was his age, I was a mess, hated chores," she muttered to herself.

Misato sat at her desk shuffling through yet more paperwork. She sighed as she heard the phone ring, she glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was Ritsuko. She felt herself smirk, ever since Shinji had hung up Misato's call last time, Ritsuko had seemed a bit angry with her. They often passed each other at Nerv headquarters but had barely spoken at all lately.

"Hello, I'm glad you remember that we're friends," Misato teased answering her phone.

"Friends don't  _hang up_ on each other mid-conversation," Ritsuko answered with an annoyed tone.

"Hehe, don't tell me you're still mad about that. You were yelling, and I think you gave poor Shinji a headache," Misato laughed into her phone.

"... Shinji was there?" Ritsuko asked slowly.

"Yup, look. Shinji hung up the phone. Don't be mad at him, he had just gotten out of the hospital, and I get the feeling that those places freak him out. Besides, you gotta learn to take a joke. But then again, that's why you have me, your one and  _only_ friend," Misato said, ending with a small tease.

Ritsuko considered that. The silence stretched for so long that Misato put her pen down, and frowned.

"Hello? Ritsuko? You still there?"

"... my one and only friend who ditched me on my only day off in weeks," Ritsuko said finally. Misato could hear the doctor taking a whiff of a cigarette even over the phone.

"Oh come on, that's not fair. They were going to make the kid live alone," Misato whined.

"They would have given him an apartment," Ritsuko countered softly.

"Let it go. And besides, I'll take you bar-hopping some other day," Misato said.

"Yes, yes you will," Ritsuko said smugly over her phone.

 _Bet she's smirking that stupid smirk of hers. Miss smarter than everyone in the room. Ahhh she'll never change,_ Misato thought. But then again, who was Misato to judge? Without Ritsuko, she probably wouldn't have made it through college.

"Speaking of Shinji, how are things going with the new roommate?" Ritsuko asked.

"Oh, okay I suppose. He's an odd kid, doesn't act his age for sure. He cleans the apartment without complaining and goes to school, or else to Nerv for testing. Not much else," Misato said with a yawn.

 _He's also a comedy gold mine, so easy to tease. Too bad Ritsuko can't take a joke,_ Misato thought with an offhand chuckle.

"Misato... has Shinji done anything strange or abnormal since he moved in?" Ritsuko asked suddenly.

"What? No, strange like how?"

"... nothing, never mind" Ritsuko said.

Misato frowned saying, "hey, why would you ask that?"

"... "

"Ritsuko?"

"He went through a lot of trauma during the attack. For those 12.34 seconds, he completely broke all the sync ratio records and ended up hospitalized for it. We need him reasonably healthy if he's going to pilot," Ritsuko said quickly.

 _Piloting? Is that all she cares about when it comes to Shinji? I can see what he meant by the 'adults' always wanting something from him. Poor kid,_ Misato thought.

"He seems fine to me. Nothing out of the ordinary. He's at school right now, but I'll ask if there are any lingering effects from the attack when he gets home," Misato said.

"Good," Ritsuko replied.

* * *

 _Hospital Entrance.  
_ _Nowhere near school._

Shinji Ikari walked through the morning air and reached into his bag to pull out the prescription bottle of his meds. He was running low on pills, having lost quite a lot of his medicine during the attack, forced to leave his dropped meds on the street before fleeing with Misato.

Dr. Page had always told him no more than five of the red pills a day. She had also told him that if it kept getting worse than to take one, and  _only_  one, emergency black pill. He had never liked Dr. Page much, but he knew for a fact that his medicine worked. Shinji placed a single red pill into his mouth and swallowed it without so much as a second thought.

Lately, he only took one a day. He needed to ration what he had.

Usually, he'd have just sent for more and explained what had happened via postage. But he couldn't do that with Misato there, she'd notice if medicine was delivered to the apartment and then the questions would start, and then she'd give him that look all adults gave him. The look that said he made them nervous. But, he would worry about that later.

Thankful, Shinji hadn't needed his pills much lately. Ever since the incident at the rooftop, the thing in his head had not stirred even once. Regardless, he took one a day to be safe.

Shinji took a deep breath; he'd felt so nervous as he had lied to Misato about going to school, even going so far as to put on his school uniform. However, as soon as he'd left the apartment complex, he had gone a completely different route.

 _I can't leave it like this… I can't. Don't be scared,_ Shinji thought to himself as he entered the hospital.

...

Surprisingly, not one nurse seemed to care or noticed anything odd about a lone teenager walking through the halls by himself. He found the help desk and calmly walked up.

"Hello, uh can you tell me where Sakura Suzuhara is? Uh, her room number I mean," he asked.

The clerk barely looked up as she typed into her computer terminal saying, "sixth floor, room 231D. You a visitor?"

"… yes," Shinji said slowly.

"Visiting hours work in shifts. Be done before three, or else you'll have to wait till seven before they open again," the clerk said.

Shinji nodded saying, "thank you."

The clerk didn't respond; she didn't even look at him. Shinji took that as his cue to leave her to her work. So he did, he turned and headed for the elevators.

_Easier than I thought._

His elevator ride up was uneventful, and when he reached the sixth floor he found it mostly empty save for a few nurses taking quick looks into patient rooms to see how they were doing.

"231D," Shinji muttered to himself repeatedly. He walked the halls searching for the room.

The lonely young boy quietly checked to see if there were any other visitors, he didn't want to bother anyone, he wanted to finish his business and leave as soon as possible. Luckily for him, the room was empty save for the lone patient. He stepped inside for the second time and once again felt a surge of guilt kick him deep inside his chest, a different kind of pain than he was used to.

Sakura Suzuhara lay unmoving in her bed, various machines humming as they breathed for her or else delivered different drugs to her unconscious body.

"Hey," Shinji said softly, his chest filled with a weight that he couldn't explain. He felt like he'd grown another ten years in as many seconds. The girl was such a frail figure before him, a child younger even than him. The world was cruel.

He walked to her bedside and pulled up a chair for himself, taking a seat beside her. He closed his eyes saying nothing for a few moments, the sound of the machines seeming to echo around him.

"I'm sorry this happened to you," Shinji said opening his eyes.

He reached over and gently, so very gently, took the little girl's hand in his.

Shinji leaned forward saying, "I don't know if you can hear me, but it's all my fault. I never meant for this to happen… I… I never meant for you to get hurt. Look, I don't have everything figured out. I've never been good at plans, but I… I  _promise_ that I will do everything I can to help you from here on out."

Sakura Suzuhara, the comatose girl before him, said nothing. She was like some kind of lifeless doll, and her hand held very little warmth.

 _I'm sorry…_ he thought. Silence was his answer yet again.

The hospital room seemed to blur before Shinji's eyes, and he let go of the little girl's hand. He got to his feet and wiped his suddenly wet eyes of their tears, then he left.

* * *

 _Out in the hall._  
  
Shinji spotted an attending doctor checking in on another patient.

He knew a bit of how that worked, the nurses did the grunt work and filled out the patient charts, and then the doctors came in to inspect everything and make any serious decisions or changes as needed.

"Excuse me," he called out.

The attending doctor, a middle age man in a thin white lab coat draped over his pair of scrubs, turned to look at him.

 _White. They always dress in white…_ he thought.

"I wanted to talk to you about Sakura Suzuhara, the patient in room 231D?" Shinji said, fighting his nerves and doing his best to appear calm and cool.

"Young man, visiting hours are open. If you want to visit, you can just walk in so long as you do not disturb the staff or other patients," the doctor said. The man was clearly impatient at being bothered by something so small.

"I'm not a visitor," Shinji said calmly.  _Not anymore, it's probably better that way from now on._

The doctor looked at him expectantly. Shinji took a deep breath and pulled out his Nerv issued credit card, the card that gave limited access to the funds he acquired from piloting Eva Unit 01, and he handed it to the confused doctor.

"I want you to use this, take however much you need. I want to see that Sakura Suzuhara gets the best treatment possible."

He did his best to sound mature.

The doctor examined Shinji's card carefully, before slowly and deliberately holding it back out for him to take.

Shinji didn't take the card back.

"It's not a fake. I have money. Use it to pay for her bills," Shinji said losing some of his calm as he did so.

"Young man, I don't know where you got such a well-made fake. But this is not funny. The girl nearly died-" the doctor began.

"This is not a joke. I'm being serious. I have money, use it," Shinji cut in.

The doctor scoffed.

"You're a kid. What? 12 years old?"

"14," Shinji corrected coldly.

"Regardless, young man,  _this isn't a movie_. Hospitals have rules, and one of them is how we handle insurance. By law, our government takes into account family income and helps to handle the cost. You may not like it, but miss Suzuhara is under our care, and by law, we will do everything in our power to help her. That is understood by her parents, and they are aware of the bills," the doctor said meeting Shinji's eyes directly.

Shinji flinched back as if struck.

"But- but she's just lying there! There are specialists that could do more for her! And… I don't… know… there has to be something I can do to help. I have money, look for yourself," Shinji said growing frantic.

This just couldn't be. He had to help her, he had to make up for his past mistakes. The thing in his head stirred at those thoughts but said nothing.

The doctor sighed and forced Shinji to take his card back.

"Young man, I can tell that your heart is in the right place. But whatever you thought you could do with this card is not the answer. Miss Suzuhara's best chance is to stay in the system, to seek outside help from specialists would be incredibly expensive and would risk her losing funds from  _both_  Nerv and her family's insurance in the process."

"But… I," Shinji stammered weakly. His eyes felt heavy and watery.

The doctor clasped Shinji by the shoulder and knelt, so they were at eye level. Then the man spoke.

"Now, I think if you want to help her, then you should pray. Pray for her, and visit during appropriate visiting hours. There has been much debate on how aware coma patients can be. At times like these… everything helps."

With that, the doctor let Shinji go and turned to check on his other patients.

Shinji stood there holding his Nerv card stupidly. He didn't know what to say or do, he had thought he could help. That he could make things better, that he could fix things somehow...

But he was just a stupid kid. A teenager trying to play the adult.

Again the thing in his head stirred but said nothing.

* * *

He finally turned and left, not sure what to do anymore. He felt so powerless.

"Hey, you!" a voice called.

Someone else had followed after him in the halls of the hospital.

Shinji turned to see another boy around his age, another kid skipping school, wearing a sports jacket over his school uniform, rounding the corner and come striding toward him.

"What were you doing with Sakura?! And why were you talking to the doctor?" the boy said coldly.

Shinji blinked in surprise. "I was only visiting," he stammered.

"Why were you visiting my sister?" the boy scowled, arms crossed and eying Shinji up and down.

The thing in Shinji's head stirred for the third time but said nothing, and he felt another sharp twinge of guilt ripple across his chest.

 _Oh god… her brother,_ he thought.

"I… I wanted to see how she was doing. I thought I could help, I thought-" Shinji began, unable to meet the boy's gaze as he spoke.

"Why?" the boy asked again coldly.

"… because I'm an Eva pilot. I was the one who killed the Angel that night," Shinji said stiffly, he felt his gaze fall to the floor.

"I don't believe you," the boy said slowly.

"I am. I don't know why I was chosen, but I was. It's my fault that your sister got hurt. I didn't mean to… I tried to end the fight quickly, but I wasn't good enough," Shinji said somberly.

_**Get back. Dodge, dodge now.** _

The voice speaking so suddenly caused him to wince involuntary, just as something unseen smashed into his face.

"Ah!" Shinji groaned. He fell down face first into the floor of the hallway.

The boy, Sakura's brother, had punched him. Had punched him with all his weight behind it, and it had hurt very much. His face stung.

"Stay away from my sister, you've done enough!" the boy said turning to leave without another word.

With another small groan, Shinji got to his knees, then slowly pushed himself to his feet.

He felt terrible, but he walked to the nearest restroom to take a look.

 _Gonna have a bruise. Maybe a black eye,_ Shinji thought as he examined himself in the restroom mirror. His face was warm from where he'd been punched, and he winced in pain when he ran a finger across the area.

_If Mari was here, she'd have run after that boy and kicked his ass… but no. I deserved that._

_**No, you didn't.** _

Shinji flinched and nearly fell back. He had to grab the edge of the sink to steady himself. He shuddered and breathed in harshly, and closed his eyes lowering his head.

 _**The world isn't that nice. Bad things happen, but you can't blame everything on yourself. It's too much for one person to take,** _ _**too much of a burden to carry. Y** _ _**ou'll explode if you do.** _

Shinji opened his eyes and looked at his beaten and weary reflection in the mirror. He reached a hand into his bag and pulled out his prescription bottle.

_**Don't. Don't take them anymore. They mess with your head.** _

Shinji slid the top off the bottle and reached in grabbing another of his ever decreasing amount of red pills.

_**I'll leave you alone. Just don't take the pills anymore.** _

Shinji froze at that. This had been a record for him ever since he'd arrived in Tokyo-03. After the incident at the rooftop, he had gone 22 days without the thing in his head stirring.

He looked at his reflection and saw that he didn't look too good. Maybe it was because he'd just been punched in the face by the brother of the girl he'd put in the hospital. Maybe it was because he had lied to Misato and skipped school. Maybe it was because he was a kid being made to pilot an Eva, or maybe he really was going crazy again. His sickness that lingered even now, even outside the ward.

And Shinji found that he couldn't stand the sight of his reflection, so he did what he always did. He looked away… and angrily shoved the medicine into his mouth.

* * *

_Misato's apartment._

Moments after Misato had finally finished all that damn paperwork, all she had wanted to do was have a cold beer and wait for whatever Shinji ended up cooking when he got back from school.

Instead, the doorbell rang.

She sighed and rose to her feet. Honestly, she didn't know why Shinji even bothered with the damned thing. She'd told him countless times that this was his home now, that he could just come in. She'd even given him a key.

Opening the door, Misato found to her surprise, not Shinji, but another teenage girl in a school uniform standing in the doorway.

"Hello, does Shinji Ikari live here?" the girl asked politely.

".. He does," Misato answered with a frown.

"My name is Hikari Horaki, I'm the class representative. Shinji wasn't in class today so I came to deliver his worksheets. This place is kinda hard to find," the girl said reaching into her bag.

"Wait? Shinji wasn't at school today?!" Misato said frantically.

Hikari blinked in surprise.

"I thought you knew, I figured he was sick or something. He doesn't talk to anyone, I had to ask the teachers where he lived because no one knew."

 _That little punk lied..._ Misato thought, crossing her arms.

"Thanks for letting me know. I'll make sure Shinji gets his work done."

Deep down she was making plans. Hikari frowned and handed over Shinji's worksheet for the day.

"Are you his sister or something?" the girl asked.

 _I'm too young to be Shinji's mom. I'll take that as a compliment,_ Misato thought.

"I'm his guardian. Misato. Nice to meet you, Hikari," she said.

"Likewise, I hope Shinji is okay but I have to head home," Hikari said glancing at her watch.

Misato nodded saying, "don't let me keep you."

As Hikari turned to leave, Misato stepped back into her apartment. She closed the door behind her, and immediately preceded to call Shinji on the phone she'd bought him.

* * *

_Somewhere in Tokyo-03._

Shinji Ikari sat alone on a park bench that he'd found after wandering around the hospital area.

He had drifted for quite a long time to think things over. He'd thought about heading back to school, but when he looked at his watch he'd seen that it was already two in the afternoon. He figured it wasn't worth it to head back.

Instead, he'd taken a seat, and sat listening to his SDAT player, the old music player that he'd been allowed to have in the ward, completely lost to the outside world.

After his only friend had left the ward, he'd done that a lot. He would listen to music and drown out the world around him to make it through the day, to make it through the isolation and loneliness inside the facility.

So it was that when his phone rang, he did not hear it. Shinji sat on the bench staring at his feet, headphones plugged into his ears, blocking everything else out. Four times his phone rang, and four times he did not answer.

The boy only looked up, and in so doing finally acknowledged the outside world, when a shadow fell upon him sometime later.

Suddenly there emerged a tall bald man in a black suit, wearing dark tinted sunglasses that hid his eyes, and a look of cold detachment planted firmly on his face.

"Uh, can I help you-" Shinji began.

"Shinji Ikari. We're with Nerv. You're going to come with us now," the man said harshly. Shinji watched the man pull out a badge with the initials of the Nerv organization.

"We?" Shinji asked. He glanced around seeing no less than four other men in black suits emerging throughout the park and heading towards him.

"Take off those damn headphones. I called you by name a dozen times but you couldn't hear me," the man said. Before Shinji could protest, the man reached out and yanked the headphones from Shinji's ears.

It hurt.

"Ack!" Shinji groaned. He glared up at the bigger man but said nothing.

He only shook his head and stood up following the Nerv agents back to a car parked nearby.

* * *

_Later.  
Misato's apartment._

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Misato said sharply.

She glared down at the teenager sitting on his bed.

After having called Shinji multiple times, Misato had started to dial the number for Nerv security but they beat her to it. She had been pleasantly surprised when they had called her first. The man on the phone had explained that they'd found Shinji and were currently escorting the boy back to her apartment.

However, Misato had not been pleased to discover that Shinji had been found in some random park all alone, and her face had shown it when the Nerv agents had arrived. She could remember the men shoving the teenager into her apartment and reporting what had happened before leaving.

"I didn't mean for that to happen," Shinji stammered.

"You 'didn't mean' to skip school? You 'didn't mean' to wander around the city like some crazed teen looking for kicks?!" Misato said putting her hands on her hips.

Shinji winced involuntarily at the word 'crazed' but he didn't think Misato noticed the correlation. If anything she probably thought he was intimidated by her being angry with him, which he  _was,_  make no mistake.

"And what happened to your face! You're lucky you don't have a black eye! Did you get mugged?!" Misato continued.

"... no. I got punched..." Shinji murmured avoiding her gaze.

"Punched by who?!" Misato said. Worry crept into her frustrated face.

"I… I went to the hospital to visit that girl again. Her brother was there and he hit me," he blurted out nervously.

"You…" Misato stammered, gaping at the boy before shaking her head and sputtering out, "you what?!"

"I went to visit her again. I thought I could do more to help her, I thought I could use the money Nerv gave me to pay her bills. I thought I could get her to some specialists who could do more…" Shinji said looking back up at her sadly.

Misato sighed. She ran a hand through her hair in a mixture of frustration, annoyance, and perhaps a little empathy if she were being honest.

"Shinji… the world doesn't work like that. That kind of money is a little beyond your funds. Nerv and the government already front most of the bills, taking her out of the system is a bad move unless you're really, really, rich," Misato said.

"They just left her in a room with those machines to keep her breathing. She's just lying there," Shinji said speaking in barely a whisper.

"What happened to her is not your fault. I know you want to help, but you already did. You saved the city, and for now… for now, that just has to be enough. Okay? You have to enjoy that victory, cling to it," Misato said.

Shinji looked away, he nodded so she knew that he'd heard her, but he still felt terrible.

"Come here, "Misato said, and her expression softened.

Shinji grunted in surprise as he was pulled from his bed and onto his feet. He flinched as the older woman wrapped her arms around him.

"I… I don't understand. What is this?" he said. He felt his face grow warm.

"It's a hug. I'm hugging you, Shinji," Misato said into his ear softly, having to crane down due to their height difference.

 _This is a hug?_ Shinji thought.

He didn't understand this feeling, but he enjoyed it. He felt touched... yet at the same time he felt an emotion that was his and yet not his. Sadness and hope, bittersweet. It stirred within him, this strange thing that ran along with his own emotions... but not altogether unpleasant.

But then that emotion was gone just as soon as it had appeared.

"Um, does this mean I'm not being punished?" Shinji asked.

He wasn't sure what to do with his hands, so he kept them stiff and to his sides, unsure if he should hug back or not.

"Oh no, you're definitely being punished," Misato teased.

"What?" Shinji stammered.

"Gotta do my duty as your guardian, but I wanted you to know that I think your heart is in the right place," Misato said.

 _Just great,_ Shinji thought.

Misato released him saying, "and now we gotta fix up your face, can't have you showing up to school looking like you just got into a fight."

* * *

_The next morning._

The teenagers heading to school were all astonished at the sight and sounds of a car streaking through the morning traffic. The driver swerving and skittering across the streets before somehow readjusting as the car slid into a parking space.

"What kind of crazy-"

"Does someone have a death wish?"

Were among the murmurs of the students as they headed to class.

Two people exited the now infamous car. A young woman in her late twenties followed by a younger teenager, a student at the school, and between their wrists was a pair of handcuffs linking them together.

"Is this really necessary? I promised I wouldn't skip school again," Shinji said meekly at the sight he must have made for his fellow classmates.

It was bad enough coming to school with a bandage planted firmly on his face where he'd been punched, but this was just downright embarrassing. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd felt embarrassed.

The teenager raised his hand, the hand which was handcuffed to Misato's. Shinji had woken to find Misato smirking above him, before telling him to take a shower and get dressed. Once he had, she'd surprised him with the handcuffs saying that she would personally make sure he 'made it' to class.

"Necessary? Probably not, but it sure is funny. And besides, if you skip school again then  _I_ promise that the next punishment will be even worse," Misato said playfully.

Shinji groaned, just wanting to shrink into his school uniform and melt away into the crowd. Instead, Misato laughed and strode forward forcing Shinji to keep pace with his head down. The pair walked through the school making quite the scene.

A few teachers laughed at the sight whilst other students merely stared open-mouthed.

Shinji kept his head down wishing he could have been invisible; he didn't like drawing attention to himself and this was the exact opposite.

"Oh. Hey there, Hikari!" Misato said beaming as she escorted Shinji to class, only to run into the girl that had kindly dropped off the work that Shinji had missed.

The class representative of Class 2-A blinked in surprise at the sight of Shinji Ikari literally  _handcuffed_ to his guardian.

"… Hello again miss Misato. Hello, Shinji... " Hikari said slowly.

Shinji managed a meek wave.

"Now, I gotta head to work now. But do me a favor and keep an eye on Shinji for me, watch out because he's a sneaky one. If he skips his class again, I want you to call me, okay?" Misato said beaming with a bright smile planted firmly on her face.

"I don't have your number-" Hikari began.

Only for Misato to pull a slip of paper from her coat pocket saying, "already got you covered."

 _This is terrible… she's unofficially hired a nanny,_ Shinji thought. He wished the earth would swallow him whole, anything was better than this.

Hikari reluctantly took the paper. The poor girl looked just as awkward about this as he was.

Misato uncuffed Shinji saying, "I'll be back to pick you up after school. You'd better be here when I come back."

"I will be," Shinji mumbled.

"Good boy," Misato said patting him on the head before leaving and heading for her car.

Shinji sighed as he heard his legally appointed guardian, and roommate, leaving but he realized that Hikari was still standing there. The girl was staring at him with a frown.

"I'm sorry about all that. I know you dropped off my worksheets, but I didn't mean for you to get dragged into that," Shinji said lamely.

"Are you in trouble or something?" Hikari asked. The girl glanced at Shinji's uncuffed hand, and then at the bandage on his face.

"Yeah, I am," Shinji said feeling very embarrassed about the whole thing, no doubt all part of Misato's plan. When he'd first met his guardian, he'd have never believed she was capable of this. It would have been almost funny if he wasn't so terrible with people.

Hikari studied him, she'd seen the new kid in her class a few times but very rarely spoke to him at all. Or rather, Shinji didn't speak to others much.

"Are you really the pilot of that thing that killed the Angel?" she asked suddenly.

"What? Uh, yeah. I am, but- how did you know?"

Hikari raised her eyebrows at his answer. She gestured to the students milling around the school walking about the halls and heading for class.

"It was a rumor that started going around school today. Supposedly Toji was visiting his sister when he came across the pilot, and he hit him, or so Kensuke says. Kensuke is... a strange kid. He likes the military and is a bit obsessive about that sort of thing," Hikari said.

"Oh... " Shinji said. He honestly never really considered if other people knew he was an Eva pilot, but he supposed it was only natural that people would find out.

"Kensuke probably didn't mean to, but he started blabbering about Toji and you. I guess people heard him and the story spread," Hikari said.

 _Toji, the boy who hit me. I probably deserved it..._ Shinji thought.

He winced slightly as he felt the thing in his head stir, but no voice came, no sound at all, it had stirred then vanished again without a second passing. It left him with a strange sensation of being dazed.

"You alright?" Hikari said, frown reemerging on her face.

"I'm fine," Shinji lied in a low strained voice, before heading to class.

...

Hikari watched him go, unsure what to make of their newest classmate.

 _What an odd boy?_ She thought.

* * *

Shinji found the other pilot already sitting at a seat by the window. Rei, her name was, and he blinked in surprise. She hadn't been to school ever since he had started, it looked like this was her first day back.

Rei wore the standard issue school uniform, but she carried the injuries that Shinji had seen from the day they'd first met. She had bandages on her face and arm. He ignored some of the other students who gave him curious glances, no doubt due to the rumors spreading about him, and headed for Rei.

"Hey, I didn't know you went to school here too," Shinji said in greeting.

The girl in question seemed to take a moment to register his presence, or perhaps the fact that someone had spoken to her at all. She slowly looked up from the window and turned to him with a blank expression.

"Pilot Ikari, hello. I have been unable to attend school until today," Rei said meeting his gaze.

"I... please just call me Shinji."

Rei tilted her head at him but nodded saying nothing.

Shinji wanted to say more but the teacher stepped into class and he was forced to find a seat, he chose one across from Rei. The pale girl didn't seem to mind... or care for that matter.

The rest of the class was uneventful, with the teacher lecturing and lecturing with barely half the class paying attention.

Shinji himself dutifully took notes on his school-issued computer terminal about the so-called 'Second Impact', the supposed meteor that had slammed into Antarctica and very nearly caused a global catastrophe. A monotonous event in history, according to the teacher, whose effects were still being felt even now all these years later.  _Two billion people had died in the wake of the Second Impact, and the nations of the world had been left scrambling to deal with it._

But for a group of kids, it was all ancient history that happened before they were born.

One of the students in the class messaged him, asking him if he really was the pilot that had killed the Angel.

Shinji looked at the message about to answer but suddenly felt an instinct not to. As if a hand had emerged on his shoulder, gently prodding him to stop what he was about to do.

Maybe it was the stress of the previous day, but suddenly he didn't feel like talking. He ignored the message, along with the next three that came after.

* * *

During their lunch break, Shinji found that he didn't have anywhere to sit. He usually sat alone anyway. He was still relatively new to the school and felt some people staring his way, especially Toji's angry glare.

So Shinji kept his distance from the boy who had hit him, instead, he wandered outside the school patio looking for a place to sit and eat his food.

He found Rei sitting by herself at a table, she was using only one hand as her other was still wrapped in bandages. Shinji didn't know why he did it, but he headed over to her and coughed meekly to get her attention.

"Pilot Ikari?" Rei said, completely deadpan as she looked up at him.

"I told you... it's Shinji. Just Shinji," he said uncomfortably.

He had a hard time looking at her. He winced at the sight of the girl struggling to use her fork and knife on the assortment of vegetables she had chosen for lunch.

"Can I- can I join you?" Shinji asked, holding his own tray of sandwiches.

Rei nodded and he took a seat across from her.

She didn't speak to him as he nervously started to eat his sandwich. He felt awkward, yet somewhere inside him, he felt drawn to her but he didn't know why.

"Here, let me," Shinji said after uneasily watching the still injured Rei cut up her food.

He reached over and grabbed her gently by the wrist to stop her. Rei blinked in surprise at the contact and looked away as she surrendered her fork and knife to Shinji, who cut up her food for her before handing them back.

"Why did you do that?" Rei asked suddenly.

"I... it just seemed like the right thing to do. Are you okay? Last time I saw you, you were on a stretcher and you looked... you looked like you were hurt?" Shinji said looking away too.

"I am mostly recovered. I have been advised to avoid doing physically demanding activities such as running or swimming," Rei said.

The way she spoke... like she was reading off a report. Deadpan and flat-voiced. Shinji didn't like it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened his eyes and stared directly into Rei's, their eyes meeting as he spoke.

"You were hurt because they made you pilot," he said.

It wasn't a question, but a statement.

"Yes," Rei answered flatly.

Shinji clenched his teeth but shook himself to calm down. He remembered how bad she'd looked the day he had first piloted Unit 01.

"Why did they make you pilot? Why any of us? We're just children?" Shinji said, his voice shaking slightly.

"Because the Evangelion Units cannot be piloted by adults due to their brain chemistry," Rei answered simply.

"What?" Shinji said in shock.

Rei tilted her head at him, clearly surprised that he had not known this.

"Adults are unable to sync with the Evas. Dr. Akagi has theorized that an adult brain is too developed to handle the synchronization process with the Eva. They are unable to establish a connection to the artificial nervous system of the machine, due to having developed too far into their body's own real one. Thus, they are incompatible," Rei answered, summarizing several pages worth of writing by Ritsuko.

 _Their brain chemistry? But given my past... why on earth would they want me to pilot?_ Shinji thought, taking in Rei's words. He felt his hands shaking, what were these people thinking? How could they choose him?

RING.  
RING.  
RING.

Shinji looked up to see Rei pulling a mobile phone from her pocket. She answered and shook her head repeatedly before saying, "I understand. We will be there momentarily."

Rei hung up her phone then turned to Shinji.

"You did not answer your phone. There is an emergency, Nerv is sending a car for us. We must meet them outside."

Shinji gasped then remembered that he'd left his phone in his backpack with the volume turned down.

Before he could explain, Rei had already gotten to her feet and was gesturing for him to keep up.

"Hey, what is it? Why is Nerv calling us?" Shinji said abandoning his lunch as Rei had done.

He struggled to keep pace with the injured girl as she jogged.

 _Wow, she can really move when she wants to,_ Shinji thought. He broke into a jog behind Rei just as the school alarm began sounding off.

"ATTENTION: THIS IS NOT A DRILL. ALL STUDENTS AND TEACHERS MUST REPORT TO THEIR ASSIGNED SHELTERS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL."

The automated voice reverberated across the campus.

Rei glanced back at Shinji, a dark look on her face as she spoke.

"Two Angels have appeared. The first to come as a pair."

Shinji gulped.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know cliffhangers are annoying. This chapter originally ended up way too long and so was split into two, I try not to do that.  
> But I have gotten criticism for having incredibly long chapters before, and it's still early into the story.
> 
> I wanted to show the parallels between the thing in Shinji's head and Shinji himself, about trying to fix things. And his growing relationship with Misato and even Rei, as well as some Ritsuko in the background.
> 
> Thanks for Reading and please Review!


	5. Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji's second piloting run. Nerv witnesses new behavior in mankind's enemy. Whose eyes are open?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of an action based chapter. There's some character development as well, but it's mostly about Shinji and Rei.

" _Rei... I never liked it when she screamed. She didn't see herself as a person at first, just as another tool. Something that no one would miss. I understood that because I felt the same way. That was why, at least in the beginning, I could help her. Eventually, I made her smile."_

_**\- the broken man** _

* * *

_Nerv HQ._

Deep into the underground levels of Nerv, inside the Geofront, Shinji put on his plugsuit and interface helmet. The boy stood, too nervous to sit, awaiting his orders.

Rei was in another changing room across from his. She was on standby, as she had not fully recovered from her injuries. The higher-ups wanted her close and ready for deployment as a backup.

Shinji took a deep breath and stepped out of his changing room, noting that Rei did the same, before heading towards the monstrously large Evangelion Unit 01.

Glancing to his side, he saw Unit 00 for the first time. He had never actually encountered another Eva Unit before, but now he was in front of two of them. The massive machines made an intimidating sight, manmade titans to rival the Angels, yet somehow he knew these Units would never hurt him.

_What a strange feeling?_ Shinji thought. He didn't understand it, but he felt it in his bones. A bond with the machine. It was different than Unit 00, that Evangelion gave him nothing. That white colossus of human engineering stood cold and indifferent to him, perhaps it had a bond with Rei as he had a bond with 01?

Somehow, he didn't think so.

Even now, he felt Unit 01's presence. As if the machine was looking at him, colossal alien eyes that bored into him. They weren't hostile, he could tell and he didn't know how that made sense but it did. His Eva was waiting patiently for him.

_I can feel it... Unit 01... like it's almost alive..._ he thought.

"Releasing 01's Entry Plug," Ritsuko's voice called over the communication unit or 'comm' for short. The radio system Nerv used was a military grade tool that let them all talk seamlessly across vast distances.

"Let's get this over with," he muttered to the empty room.

...

He got in the Entry Plug, and the cockpit was flooded with LCL. Shinji remembered to breathe as the strange liquid filled his lungs. He closed his eyes and unconsciously entered an almost prayer-like state as the plug reinserted itself into Unit 01.

His comm went off again bringing him out of his nerves, and Misato's voice filled his ear.

"Hey. Sorry, I'm late but I'm here now. There are two Angels out there."

Judging from her voice, Shinji thought she was doing her best to sound calm.

He winced stammering out, "two... two Angels."

"We're prepared this time. You won't be going in empty handed, remember your simulation training. We'll be sending you weapons, and you'll have some defensive structures up to help," Misato said over the comm.

"Right, just like the simulations. What about the civilians?" Shinji asked over the comm.

"Evacuated into their shelters. We've been over this, the city's defenses are fully operational now."

Ritsuko's voice cutting in over the comm surprised him, but he figured it was only natural for the head scientist to chime in from time to time. He would just have to get used to Misato and Ritsuko in his ear.

Tokyo-03 had been built to handle Angel attacks, several of its building and city blocks were retractable, able to sink into bunkers buried underground, and other buildings contained launch ports and weapons caches for the Evas. In addition was the implementation of defensive structures, such as pillars and walls, which also surfaced onto the city during an attack to provide Eva Units with potential cover as needed.

Sadly, the previous Angel attack had come before the city's defenses had been completed. Now, the city was ready.

"We're sending you up. Rei is on standby, but she's still recovering. Try to finish this on your own if you can," Ritsuko called.

_As if I needed to be told._

He looked through his display to see Rei sitting near her Eva calmly. The pale skinned girl didn't seem nervous at all, a collected soldier awaiting orders. "How does she do that?" Shinji whispered, thinking aloud.

The boy's ponderings were cut short when the order came.

"Launch!" Misato ordered from the command room.

Shinji braced himself, holding his breath, and Eva Unit 01 shot upward with a deafening mechanical roar. In a second that seemed to stretch for an eternity, the world turned dark and he rushed from the underground to the surface. One moment, that's all the time he had to steel himself up. The eternity ended, and his world filled with sunlight and a collection of city fortifications.

He and his Eva emerged onto the city above the Geofront.

* * *

_Tokyo-03.  
Surface._

"I don't see anything," Shinji said over the comm as he looked around with Unit 01.

He took in his surroundings and found the city empty except for its defensive structures and weapon caches. And then he heard them. One had been bad enough, but the sound of two enormous creatures moving through the city was terrifying.

THUD. _  
_

THUD.

THUD.

THUD.

Two pairs of colossal footsteps that reverberated throughout the city.

The boy raised his Eva's newly equipped rifle, looking for a target but found none.

"To your left," Misato said via the comm.

He turned and saw movement between two pillars that had been sent to the surface upon lockdown. The Angel was a curious thing, snake-like, and it seemed to slither on the air itself as it moved back and forth between the buildings. The creature was taller than his Eva, thin and flexible, and with an armored faceplate.

Shinji aimed the rifle as the Angel began to raise itself in an upward position, like a snake coiling to strike, and its belly unfolded revealing strange glowing bone-like structures.

_Like the last one,_ he thought.

This Angel, however, moved its strange weapons like tentacles, the numerous things spreading out in several directions at once. He fired a shot, then another, and the Angel fled back as it was struck twice in the torso.

The rounds clanged harshly against the creature's alien mixture of skin and armor. A shimmer of light trailed after its body.

"You need to take down its AT Field," Ritsuko called.

Shinji slowly began walking his Eva forward, rifle raised as he hunted for the Angel slithering around the city. He could hear his own heavy breathing as he stalked the streets. He moved carefully through the buildings on edge, a chill running down the back of his neck.

"Be careful. There's still another Angel out there," Misato called into his comm.

"... Roger," he said shakily. He spotted the snake Angel slithering between two exposed building and fired another warning shot.

He heard movement through the artificial nervous system of Unit 01 and tilted his head back to see another Angel. The new creature was beast-like, short but stocky, and moving on all fours towards him from an empty street.

The Beast Angel. It looked like a hairless gorilla armored in scales, bulging with muscle, and a hardened faceplate, ghost white and menacing.

Suddenly hearing something via the Eva, he turned to see the snake Angel slithering up and unfolding its tentacles nearby.

Nervously Shinji fired two shots in rapid succession, one towards each target.

Both missed.

Shinji cursed as he struggled to keep an eye on both Angels. They circled around him and his Eva like a pair of vultures.

"Don't get boxed in," Ritsuko called via the comm.

Shinji stepped backward, careful not to fall, as the two Angel slowly made their way towards him.

_Two? Two?! What do I do?!_ Shinji thought. He began to shake. Unit 01's grip on the rifle tightened as it reacted to its pilot's nerves. The machine only responded to the young pilot on edge at his foes.

The snake Angel suddenly sped up, slithering through the air like some twisted nightmare as its tentacles unfolded stretching out further and further, coming for him.

Shinji immediately aimed his rifle and began firing, he pulled the trigger and didn't let go as the massive bullets collided with the Angel... only for it to slither away before it took too much damage.

He took a second to stop firing. Many rounds flew off into the distance.

_Shouldn't waste ammo like that,_ he thought nervously.

_**No. You shouldn't.**   **They outnumber you. Keep your distance for as long as you can.**_

_This again? What-_

"Look out!" Ritsuko and Misato called over the comm.

The Beast Angel suddenly leaped, using all four of its limbs like some twisted cross between wolf and ape out on the hunt. It emerged flying over one of the defensive pillars, Shinji turned the rifle towards it and fired frantically as its shadow loomed over him.

He realized too late that it wasn't enough and tried to step back.

The Angel collided with him full on, tackling him and the Eva to the ground. Shinji felt his world flip as he and Unit 01 were brought to the ground with an enormous thud that echoed through the city and picked up huge puffs of smoke.

CRACK.

The street beneath them fractured as both Eva and Angel landed hard.

The Beast Angel had suffered wounds along its belly, strange luminous Angel blood appeared to weep from the creature, but it barely seemed to notice as it opened its mouth and bright red structures erupted from its gums in a shower of blood. Teeth, it had ripped open its own flesh to bare its fangs.

Shinji tried to fight, to get up, but the Beast Angel had him under its weight. The monster snarled bringing its strange teeth to Unit 01's armored chest and bit in, actually managing to pierce the heavy plate armor of the Eva.

He screamed as he felt the phantom sensation of fangs beginning to rip into his chest.

_It's not real! It's not real! My chest is fine!_ Shinji thought furiously as he screamed. He forced himself to look down at his own chest, at his plugsuit, and he saw that it was fine.

He could distantly hear Misato yelling his name via the comm, but he couldn't focus. He couldn't get up, the Angel was too heavy, and it was already beginning to tear into him. Or rather into Unit 01.

"No!" Shinji yelled managing to free one of the Eva's hand. He balled it into a fist and swung for the Beast Angel's face... only for the Eva's hand to get struck by a tentacle.

"Ah!" he cried, feeling like he'd been whipped.

Unit 01's free arm was slammed onto the ground. The Snake Angel emerged, wrapping tentacles around his Eva's arm while the Beast kept him on his back.

Shinji lay pinned by the two Angels.

"Do what you did last time! Go to 91% sync ratio! Break free!" Ritsuko called.

_Last time... last time I found the strength to rip an Angel's flesh apart,_ Shinji thought frantically. He closed his eyes trying to concentrate, accepting the pain for now and fighting back, trying to force the monstrous creatures off of him.

… and found that he couldn't do it.

"What are you waiting for?!" Ritsuko shouted into his comm.

"I... I can't! I don't know why?!" Shinji stammered before breaking into a scream. His eyes watered as he felt the phantom sensations of being eaten alive by the Beast Angel.

* * *

_Nerv._

"Control center, this is Deputy Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki. Send in Rei with Unit 00," a new voice called into the comm.

"She's hurt, you can't-" Misato began.

Only for Fuyutsuki to cut in, "Commander Ikari is away, that puts me in charge. Your objection has been overruled, deploy Rei."

Ritsuko began briefing Rei of the situation via her comm unit. Misato watched from up high as the pale-skinned young girl listened carefully. The Entry Plug of Eva Unit 00 opened for the injured pilot, and Misato grimaced at the sight.

"Rei, be careful out there," she called signaling her comm to switch to the girl's channel.

"Understood," Rei called back quietly. The girl got to her feet, adorned in her white plugsuit, and headed for Eva Unit 00.

* * *

_Back with Shinji and Unit 01._  
  
Above the Geofront, on the empty streets of Tokyo-03, Eva Unit 01 lay pinned to the ground by the Angels. The Beast bit in deeper, trying to  _eat_ its way through the Eva's plate armor.

Shinji's hands balled into fists as he screamed. The result was that the boy pulled the trigger of the rifle without meaning too, the recoil of the gun moved its barrel, and the bullets grazed the Beast Angel's stomach.

The Beast flinched, its weight shifting off of him for the briefest of moments.

Sensing it was his only chance, he brought his other hand free out from under the creature's weight and slammed his fist into its face. He had to let go of the rifle to do it, but the strike sent the Angel stumbling back.

_Have to get free!_

Shinji fought the tentacles holding his other arm. The snake Angel brought its tentacles up, tugging on the Eva's arm, resisting his attempts to free himself. He hissed from the strain as the snake-like monster tightened its grip and slithered towards him. He grabbed the rifle again.

He fired off a quick burst.

The Angel hissed as the bullets slammed into its torso, and released its grip on his Eva's left arm. Shinji took the opening and crawled backward firing warning shots to keep the snake Angel at bay. Cars were crushed under his frantic movement, but he didn't have time to worry about that.

The boy in the Entry Plug wheezed, struggling to breathe, his heart pounding in his chest.

THUD.  
THUD.  
THUD.

The Beast Angel was on the move, running on all fours towards him at a frightening speed. Shinji trained the Eva's rifle towards it and panted as he fired a quick burst at his target.

Click.  
Click.

His rifle was out. The clip was empty.

The Beast Angel roared as it stumbled back, luminous fluid trailing down its torso, and Shinji brought the Eva to its feet. He raised his rifle like a club, only to stumble back as he was struck by something hard slashing into his side.

Shinji's rifle was cut in two as the snake-like Angel appeared again, slashing at him with its tentacles.

_This is too much... fighting two Angels at the same time!_

He gasped, shuddering deep heavy breaths. His hand shook and he dropped the rifle and stumbled backward trying to get a defensive pillar between him and the Angels and buy some time.

"We're sending you another rifle," Misato said over the comm.

Before he could reply he had to brace himself as the snake Angel appeared and seized Unit 01, its tentacles wrapped themselves around his limbs like living ropes. 01 was brought to its knees and he was pulled down with the Eva.

Shinji fought back, trying to grab hold of the tentacles and rip them off, but the Beast charged forward on all fours again.

_I can't get free!_ Shinji thought in a panicked frenzy. He was once again pinned and facing two Angels.

BANG.

One of the tentacles released Eva Unit 01's arm and a splatter of Angel blood hit the floor.

Unit-00 emerged from inside the city, rifle up and aimed carefully.

Pilot Rei Ayanami had been deployed.

_… You shouldn't be out here in your condition,_ Shinji thought.

Unit 00 fired another round, aiming carefully and freeing Unit 01 of another tentacle. The Beast Angel snarled as it came to a stop before turning towards Rei and her white Eva.

Shinji fought to break free of the remaining tentacles but instead found himself and the Eva being lifted into the air. He gulped bracing himself as he realized what was going to happen.

The snake-like Angel lifted him far above itself, before twisting and throwing him from the battle. Eva Unit 01 flew far away from the city, the massive titan of human engineering catapulted through the air.

Shinji closed his eyes tight and cried out as the phantom sensations hit him. Unit 01 fell on an open stretch of land. Upon impact, upturned patches of car-sized dirt and grass sprang into the air as the Eva landed, and the machine left a crater in its wake.

He groaned as he felt the Eva's damage as his own.

The collision sent him flying up from inside his Entry Plug, his safety harness kept him from hitting his head on the ceiling, but he landed hard on his back.

The young teen panted at the pain, both his own and from the phantom sensations of the Eva, and shuddered at the realities of this fight.

He had to finish this, but it hurt... he didn't want to be here... he didn't want to do this.

"Shinji! Shinji, report in! Your power cable has been disconnected!" Misato called via the comm system.

_My power!_ Shinji thought as he fought through the pain. He widened his eyes in shock and looked at his display seeing that the flight had ripped his power cable out.

He had five to seven minutes of power left.

"Shinji, listen to me. Your cable fell nearby, it's been damaged, but the Magi calculates that if you reconnect it, you'll get roughly 72.4% power flowing into Unit 01," Ritsuko said into his comm.

* * *

_Meanwhile._

Rei fired in small but blind bursts with her rifle. The snake-like Angel backed up behind the propped up defensive pillars for cover.

Unit 00 stood still and calm, the white Evangelion holding its ground. Rei coolly surveyed the area, working the controls despite her injuries. Her Eva never lowered the rifle as she searched for the Beast Angel. The strange creature was still out there stalking its prey.

The pale girl spared a quick glance in Shinji's direction, before moving on in search of the threat. Both of them.

...

"Okay," Shinji said panting as he took deep breaths in and out to steady himself.

"Careful. There are civilians nearby. Two… there are two kids down there. What the hell are they doing?!" Misato called into his comm.

Shinji turned his Eva's head and zoomed in on his display. Two kids from his school were cowering in fear below 01's hand. If he had landed just a little further, then the fall would have crushed them into bits.

"Toji…" Shinji said recognizing the jacket.

_Why?! Why are those two here!_ he thought nearly screaming under the stress, frustration, and pain.

"Command, I am attempting to lure the two Angels away from pilot Ikari and the civilians. I suggest the retreat of Unit 01 and the civilians," Rei said over the comm. The quiet girl sounded surprisingly calm despite the situation.

_Retreat?! But Rei... you can't handle this on your own! Especially in your condition!_ Shinji thought, remembering how she'd struggled to cut her food up at lunch with only one working arm.

"Rei's right. Shinji, open your Entry Plug and get those stupid kids in there. It's the only place to keep them safe for now. Then retreat, Rei will buy you as much time as she can," Misato said, her frustration audible even from the comm system.

_Retreat? I can go back and rest?_  He thought. A part of him felt a wave of relief. Then another wave came that brought his prior thoughts down and filled him with shame.

_Rei..._

He felt his body ache, the guilt ate away at his heart for wanting to retreat. At his desire to run away and leave all this behind him...

* * *

"Are you crazy? We can't just let those kids into the Entry Plug? That's completely unauthorized access to the Eva!" Ritsuko was saying back at the command center.

"I'm authorizing it. We can't have civilians caught in the crossfire. Forget the regulations," Misato countered.

"I agree with Captain Katsuragi. Get those kids to the safety of the Eva," Deputy Commander Fuyutsuki called as he emerged into the command center personally. The older man made quite the scene as he did so.

Ritsuko stared at the old man, he'd almost never entered their workstation personally, nor had Gendo, the two men in charge had often stayed in their stations above them. The other Nerv staff glanced in surprise at the old man's presence but returned to their work almost immediately.

...

"Uh, hello. Command?" Shinji called over his comm.

He brought Unit 01 into a kneeling position before his cowering classmates.

"Shinji? Is everything alright? What is it?" Misato said.

"I'm okay, and I'm putting my classmates into the Entry Plug. But I can't retreat, Rei is still out there and I... I'm sorry, but I can't leave her like that."

The comm system was filled with the hissing sound of compressed air being released as Unit 01's neck was left momentarily exposed, and the Entry Plug slid out.

"What?! No, Shinji retreat!" Misato shouted.

Only for the hiss of the Entry Plug to drown out her words. Almost as if the boy had planned that.

* * *

Shinji opened the hatch and felt the fresh air of the outside brush upon his face as he did so. Panting, he looked down at the two boys on the ground, they were staring opened mouthed at him with traces of tears in their eyes. In shock from the terror of almost dying.

"Get in!" Shinji called to his two classmates.

He felt raw and exposed like this, but even with the Entry Plug out in the open, he operated Eva Unit 01. He picked up his two classmates with its massive hands and carefully brought them over.

"Ahh," the boys whined as Shinji brought the Eva's hand to a hover above his seat in the cockpit of his Entry Plug.

"Just jump, we don't have much time!" Shinji cried.

"Screw it!" Toji said, and the boy grabbed Kensuke by the arm jumping down from Unit 01's hand.

The two boys landed roughly inside the Entry Plug, colliding into Shinji as he braced his own arms over his head. He grunted as the two boys fell atop him before sliding off on either side.

Shinji closed the hatch and hurriedly entered commands into his controls, sending the Entry Plug back into the neck of Unit 01, where it was secured underneath several layers of plate armor.

Toji and Kensuke knelt from their spots in the Entry Plug and watched in awe as they were sealed in the Eva along with Shinji.

"Shinji! Retreat now!" Misato shouted into his ear via the comm.

He winced at the sound and glanced at his display seeing that he had an estimated four minutes of power remaining.

* * *

_Back with Rei._

Elsewhere, Rei and Unit 00 were struggling to keep their distance from both Angels as she fought them alone as Shinji had.

Rei's movements were stiff due to her injuries, and by extension, Unit 00 was rigid. She had re-engaged the Angels and kept moving, never stopping for fear of being boxed in and overwhelmed as Shinji had been.

Unit 00 used its shoulder to help balance the weight of the rifle, and it leaned more on its left leg than the right. All the while Rei tried to use the defensive pillars for cover against her enemies.

Rei fired warning shots towards her targets, attempting to lure the two Angels away from Unit 01, doing her best to keep her distance, all so Shinji could retreat along with the civilians.

Only something happened that didn't make sense. Something unprecedented.

_Both_ Angels stopped following her. Instead, the snake-like Angel slithered away from her, ignoring her warning shots completely. The Beast Angel turned on all fours and leaped away heading for the other direction.

Rei blinked in surprise. She tilted her head perplexed as to what had happened.

"Command, the Angels have abandoned their chase of me," the pale girl called into the comm.

* * *

The Magi supercomputers chimed in alarm as the multiple processing cores analyzed the available data and projected the most likely outcome of the change in tactic.

Ritsuko stared at the calculated result frowning.

"The Angels are heading for Shinji _,_ " the doctor called.

"What?!" Misato said hurrying to glance over Ritsuko's shoulder at the results. Sure enough, based on their current movements the Angels were indeed heading for Unit 01.

Kozo Fuyutsuki stared curiously at the Magi supercomputers' calculation. They were rarely wrong, and they didn't seem to be here, but this was curious indeed.

"I am pursuing the Angels," Rei called into the comm suddenly.

* * *

"Shinji! Both Angels are coming for you! Retreat now!" Misato shouted into his comm.

Shinji, however, was struggling to catch his breath as his two classmates sat unsure of what to do. The news that the Angels were coming for him snapped him back to attention.

"No. I'm sorry, but I can't leave this to Rei all by herself."

He spotted the remains of the damaged power cable lying nearby.

"Shinji, no! I am ordering you to retreat now!" Misato called into his ear screaming in panic as the Magi showed an Angel nearing the boy's position.

* * *

Shots echoed through the city as Rei fired after the Beast Angel, aiming for its knees to stop its approach on Unit 01. Rei had tried to stop the other one too, but it had been moving too fast, and she'd determined that if she tried to stop both, then she'd ultimately stop neither.

Rei knew that Shinji would have to stop the other one on his own.

Experience told her that it was easier said than done.

* * *

_Back with Shinji_  
  
Before Shinji could reach the fallen power cable, the snake-like Angel slithered out in front of him, emerging like some twisted nightmare from the line of trees.

The Angel rose, and once again unfolded its belly as strange tentacle-like structures came whipping wildly for Unit 01.

Shinji raised the Eva's massive hands and grabbed the tentacles before they could wrap around him again. The phantom sensations of Unit 01 made his arms feel weak and heavy.

"It's the kids! Their presence is messing with the Eva's artificial nervous system interface," Ritsuko called over the comm.

_Not helping..._ Shinji thought, gritting his teeth as he fought to hold the Angel at bay.

"Ahhhhh!" he screamed as he felt the phantom sensations sting his hands.

Unit 01's hands burned from holding the Angel's tentacles, steam rose from the Eva's palms. The Angel tried to yank its tentacles free, yet Shinji refused to let go. Toji and Kensuke watched nervously as the young pilot screamed, and pulled the Angel towards himself proceeding to headbutt it.

SMACK.

The Angel's faceplate cracked from the impact and Shinji, knowing the Eva's hands wouldn't last much longer, whirled and threw the monstrous thing back on the floor.

_93 seconds of power left!_ Shinji thought, glancing at the display.

His hands felt like they were raw and exposed as if the skin had been burned away by acid, his chest felt like it was bleeding, his head was pounding, and his bones ached via a mixture of the phantom sensations and his own.

Shinji pulled free the Eva's prog knife from its slot beneath the armor on his side. The huge metallic blade emerged in 01's hand as he moved for the wounded enemy before him.

The snake-like Angel tried to slither away, its tentacles moving to help propel it forward, but Shinji was faster as he raised the knife and stabbed the blade into the thing's head. The tentacles wrapped around his neck trying to pull him off. Shinji pulled the knife free and stabbed it back into the monster's faceplate again and again.

He gasped from the sensation of his neck being crushed... only for the Angel to stop moving.

Shinji had managed to break through and shatter the Angel core.

The creature withered before him, its tentacles dissolving into luminous Angel blood before his eyes, and its body seemed to deflate and crumple on the ground.

Shinji panted feeling tears in his eyes as the Angel lay dead at his feet.

_I did it... I killed the Angel,_ he thought weakly.

In the haze, he wobbled in his seat, almost falling over inside his Entry Plug, momentarily lost to the world.

"Pilot Ikari, run!" Rei suddenly shouted into his comm.

He had never heard Rei shout before. That unsettled him more than anything else, and it brought him back to where he was.

The Beast Angel had arrived and proceeded to leap over the tree line and land atop Eva Unit 01, pulling him and the Eva to the ground with an earth-shattering thud.

Shinji weakly raised 01's knife and slashed the Beast across the eyes as he fell, greatly reducing its vision. His last act before he was pinned by the roaring Angel.

The Beast Angel slammed its fists down into Unit 01, an act which left Shinji winded as his two classmates cried out in terror.

"Got to fight," Shinji murmured accidentally biting his tongue so hard that he bled. He tried to move his Eva but the cockpit of his Entry Plug went dark, and a moment later the emergency lights came on. A fine red beam illuminated the cockpit as the Eva ran out of internal power.

...

"Unit 01 is out of power!" Ritsuko called from the command center as the staff, and namely, Misato panicked unable to do anything.

_I guess... this is... this is it..._ Shinji thought grimly. So tired that he barely even cared.

The Beast Angel raised its fists and slammed them down into Unit 01's armored chest a second time, then a third and then a fourth. Shinji winced, eyes wide, as he felt the agony of his ribs cracking under the assault.

He shook from phantom pain that somehow still lingered, and the Beast opened its mouth, baring its strange luminous fangs. The Angel craned down to bite into Unit 01's neck, only to slide off of its prey as a hail of gunfire slammed into its side.

Rei Ayanami emerged from the tree line with Eva Unit 00, rifle in hand, having finally caught up to Shinji and the others.

"Pilot Ikari, evacuate," Rei said over the comm as she kept her Eva moving forward unloading round after round into the Beast Angel.

The Beast slid further back, raising its arms to protect itself even as it fled from Unit 00. It kept its arms up, using them for cover given its damaged eyes.

_Click._

Rei had run out of ammo. The barrel of her Eva's rifle glowed bright red and smoked under the strain of having emptied the rest of the clip into her target.

The Beast raised itself on its wounded limbs and tried to charge forward, using the sound of the empty rifle as a guide, only for Unit 00 to brandish the rifle like a club and hit the Angel over the head.

"Rei..." Shinji called weakly, nearly out of breath.

Rei battered the Angel with her Eva's rifle, again and again, the gun dented further and further from the force of the blows until it snapped in two.

The Beast Angel, heavily wounded but still standing, reached out latching onto Unit 00. The Beast pulled the Eva towards itself teeth bared. Rei tried to fight its embrace, but her own wounds from days earlier stopped her from escaping.

"Ahhhhhhhh," Rei cried over the comm as the Beast Angel sunk its teeth into her Eva, the phantom sensations brought the pain to her nervous system.

"No... Rei..." Shinji murmured weakly as he and his Eva lay unmoving on the ground.

He felt tears that were his, yet not his, stream down his face.

Shinji cried as his head throbbed in more pain than he'd experienced in years. He shouted unable to talk as blood slid down his nose. It felt like tiny blades were circling around from inside his skull, cutting through his brain tissue. He hadn't felt this in years, yet piloting seemed to make it worse. He never actually suffered brain damage from an 'incident' but it always  _felt_  like he did.

_**Get up...** _

_I can't... I can't... need my meds,_ he thought.

_**GET. UP.**_ The voice in Shinji's head stirred again. Harsh but not unkind words.

Through the pain, blood, and tears Shinji felt a strength he didn't know he had flare within him.

* * *

_Nerv Command Center_

"The Magi supercomputers give Rei a 32% chance of survival. We need to drop an N2 mine and salvage what we can," Ritsuko was saying to the deputy commander.

Misato only stared at the vitals of the two Eva pilots projected on the big screen for them to see. Then suddenly the boy's sync ratio began to change. It started slow, increasing little by little until it started rising fast.

"Look! Shinji's sync ratio is climbing!" Misato called out pointing to the screen.

40%.

45%.

52%.

58%.

63%.

Before the ratio stopped at 67%.

Ritsuko and the others stared at the screen, watching as somehow, even without any power to move, Eva Unit 01's sync ratio with its pilot had increased.

"That's impossible! Unit 01 shouldn't have any power left..." Ritsuko gasped.

"Shinji!" Misato shouted into her comm.

The reply that came back was a strained heavy breathing as Unit 01 pulled itself slowly to its knees.

"Retreat! Get the hell out of there!" Misato called.

No response came as Unit 01 crawled on all fours, dragging its massive body through the terrain as Shinji's pained breaths filled Misato's comm.

* * *

Shinji ignored the blood trailing down his face and fought to move the Eva. He wasn't sure how, but he could still do it.

It was incredibly difficult, the Eva felt heavy and stiff, unlike any other time he'd ever piloted in combat or simulation. But he could crawl. He could  _crawl_.

Eva Unit 01 came to a stop at the damaged power cable. The cable that had come loose, and now he'd found it again.

Shinji groaned and blood fell into his mouth, it tasted like iron, and he picked up the cable. He forced his Eva to its knees and raised the power cable over Unit 01's body, and re-inserted it.

* * *

"Eva Unit 01's power cable has been reconnected. Power flow is at 71.4% efficiency. The kid is a genius!"

There was a round of astonished cheers throughout the command center. Nerv staff raised their hands in triumph as Ritsuko shook her head in amazement. Mr. Fuyutsuki smirked in respect at the young pilot.

The only one not to join in was Captain Misato Katsuragi. She stood stiff and silent as she heard 01's young pilot breathing heavily and obviously in pain.

She felt her lips tremble at the sound of it.

_What we make these kids do,_ she thought.

"Shinji, great work! As soon as you can you need to get out of there-" Ritsuko started to say via the comm.

"I can't," Shinji wheezed back into the comm.

"Please, Shinji just-" Misato pleaded before the boy cut in again.

"I won't abandon Rei."

* * *

"I won't abandon Rei," Shinji said in a low, weak voice.

It took a few moments, but he brought Eva Unit 01 back to its feet. The machine was easier to move now that it had power flowing back through its massive body.

Shinji turned the Eva towards the struggling Unit 00 and the Beast Angel. He gritted his teeth and took a step forward, and then another one, and another towards his foe.

Rei was struggling against the Beast, fighting to break free of its embrace by using her good arm to pry it off. The pale girl had little success. Shinji heard his fellow pilot hiss in pain over the comm. The Beast Angel dug its fangs harder into Unit 00's armored torso refusing to let go.

"Rei. I'm here," Shinji called into her comm suddenly.

Unit 01 appeared beside her, and the Eva slammed a fist into the Beast Angel's neck. The Angel immediately released its grip on Unit 00, winded from the blow.

Rei pushed the monster back using her good arm. Shinji grabbed the Beast's head with both arms, together Unit 00 and Unit 01 pried the monster away. The Angel fought back, trying to break free but Rei rushed forward tackling the Angel and bringing it down as Shinji did the same.

Together, Evangelion Units 00 and 01 pinned the Beast Angel to the ground.

Rei used her good arm and reached for her Eva's prog knife, the massive blade popped out of its socket on her Eva's side.

The Angel snarled bringing its teeth to Unit 00's hand, but Shinji grabbed hold of its mouth and forced it back. Rei slammed the prog knife down towards the Angel's heavily damaged eye, only for the blade to clang as it came to a halt.

An AT Field materialized into existence above the Beast Angel's faceplate. It didn't seem to have the strength to protect its entire body, only its head.

Unit 00 struggled, with Rei fighting to pierce her prog knife through the shield. A brilliant blur of colorful lights shimmered as the massive blade fought against the field to cut through.

"Together," Shinji called into her comm.

He raised Unit 01's hand and placed it on top of Unit 00's. Both Eva Units grasped the hilt of the prog knife.

The Beast Angel struggled under the strain of maintaining the partial shield while being pinned.

Shinji pushed down on Unit 00's knife, adding his weight to Rei's as they stabbed the blade down together. The knife cut entirely through the Beast Angel's AT Field and slammed into the exposed and heavily damaged eye. The blade pierced all the way through and destroyed the Angel core.

A perfect strike.

The Beast Angel withered before their eyes as it died, its body twitching before coming to a stop on the ground.

Eva Unit 01 released 00's knife, its hand leaving the other's, as Shinji moved his Eva into a sitting position by Rei's. 01 looked curiously human as Shinji took deep breaths, thoroughly exhausted, physically and mentally.

"Pilot Ikari... Shinji, the targets have been eliminated," Rei called over the comm breathing a small sigh of relief. Her Unit stood while his Eva sat.

Shinji however, could barely hear her as he slumped into the seat of his Entry Plug. He tried to catch his breath even as blood and dried tears slid down his face.

...

The two other schoolboys, Toji and Kensuke, sat barely holding it together as their hearts pounded from the mixture of terror and elation at having survived. At having seen what battling an Angel was like first hand.

And yet neither could even compare their experiences to that of the pilot, Shinji Ikari himself.

The young boy sat nearly broken from the day's trials unable to even speak. Toji saw the trembling boy sitting in the cockpit, barely holding it together, dried blood trailing down his face, and he remembered punching Shinji for trying to help his sister in the hospital.

Toji awkwardly raised a hand and patted Shinji on the back. That was the last thing Shinji felt before he lost consciousness.

* * *

_Later.  
_ _The Vision._

_**Rei screamed... I never liked it when she screamed.** _

_Uh. What? What's-_ Shinji thought.

_**I couldn't save her... I couldn't save anyone... not Rei... not 'her'... in the end, I couldn't even save myself.** _

Shinji didn't know where he was. It was so dim that he couldn't see anything. Some dark void that he went to at the height of his madness.

_Why... why am I so sad?_ He thought

_**Memories.** _

_I don't understand... I... I'm crying right now... why? Why am I crying?_ Shinji thought. He could feel the small, feeble tears trailing down his face. But when he brought his hand up in the dark to wipe them away his face was dry.

_**You're not. I am.** _

_I can feel it... I can feel tears..._

_**Can't be helped. It's your fault as much as it is mine. I lost the ability to cry a long time ago... you're the one who brought that back.** _

_I don't understand._

_**… You make me... 'feel'... again. You have no idea what it's like to no longer feel. To go on, to survive, but not to live. I... I'd forgotten what it was like to feel this.** _

_I'm sorry, but I don't-_  he thought.

_**Thank you, Shinji. You have no idea what that meant to me...** _

_I'm talking to it. I'm not supposed to talk to it. Dr. Page told me never to speak to it,_ Shinji thought. He clutched his head in the dark. This place had to be a dream. It couldn't be real.

_**I know. I said I'd leave you alone, but you just had to do this. You had to make me interfere. Regardless, you killed Shamshel and Armaros. That was all you.** _

_Shams- what?_

**_The Angels you killed._ **

_Angels have names?_

**_Everybody's got a name. The Angels are no different. They have names, they have language._ **

_I... this isn't right! I'm not supposed to talk to it._

_**Then don't. You can end this, just wake up.** _

_How is this happening? Am I dreaming? What's going on?_

_**You said you didn't want to talk to me. So don't. Wake up.** _

_What? I... I don't understand._

_**Open your eyes, Shinji.** _

_My eyes are open._

_**No, mine are. Your eyes are closed.** _

_That doesn't make sense!_

_**Open your eyes.** _

_Am I going crazy again?_

_**OPEN YOUR EYES.** _

* * *

_The hospital._

When Shinji Ikari awoke, he found himself laying in a hospital bed. He was inside another of the white rooms that he so disliked yet again. He groaned, opening his eyes. His world shifted from an odd blur of various shades of white into a hospital room.

"Not again," he muttered. Slowly, he raised his aching body into a sitting position and almost immediately regretted that decision.

"You should not move so quickly."

Shinji jumped and turned to find Rei sitting in a chair propped up against the wall of his room. The enigmatic young girl was wearing her school uniform, but her bandages had been redressed and she sported a full orthopedic cast on her arm.

"Rei? I- wait. Your arm?! What happened to your arm?!" Shinji said sitting up even further. His bed sheets slid off him as he did so.

He winced feeling his chest ache again.

"My arm was further damaged by the fight with the Angels. Had it been fully healed, I would have still suffered damage," Rei said. She tilted her head at him and raised her cast for him to see.

"Then, you're okay?" Shinji asked. He remembered how she had screamed when the Beast Angel had bitten into her Eva, how it had pulled her into its deadly embrace.

"I am fine," Rei answered simply. It was true, while her recovery from her previous injuries had been delayed, she would heal and was relatively mobile.

"Oh.  _..._ I'm so glad," Shinji said breathing a sigh of relief.

"Your arm is more damaged than mine," Rei pointed out.

_My arm?_

He glanced down to see that his right arm had been placed inside a partial cast, the plaster was wrapped around him from above his wrist onward to his elbow. To add to that, the nurses had apparently applied some gauze bandage around his chest, wrapping it around his torso.

_Wait a minute..._ Shinji thought as he noticed that he was only wearing a thin hospital gown and that Rei could probably see more than she wanted to. That she could see 'below the belt' so to speak.

He felt his face grow warm and he grabbed the bed sheets pulling them over himself again.

"How long have you been here?" Shinji asked now that he was covered again.

"3 hours today. I was told to watch over you," Rei answered simply.

"... Why?" Shinji asked blinking in surprise.

"Because your injuries were more severe than mine," Rei said blankly.

He noticed that he barely felt them, no doubt due to the painkillers the nurses had put him on.

"I'm sorry they made you pilot in your condition," Shinji said awkwardly.

Rei studied her fellow pilot and frowned.

"Why did you not retreat? I am expendable. You should not worry about me," Rei said.

Suddenly, Rei felt her face grow warmer as Shinji inexplicably took her hand in his good one. She felt the warmth in his hands envelope hers as he intertwined his fingers with hers, and it made her feel emotions she could not explain in words.

"Don't ever say that. You're not expendable. You're a person, not a tool," Shinji said, showing a maturity in his eyes that no child should be capable of.

Rei opened her mouth unable to speak. She blushed and looked away focusing on her hand inside of Shinji's.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I won't do that again," Shinji said awkwardly.

He let go of Rei's hand.

"You embarrass me," Rei said suddenly.

Shinji awkwardly ran his good hand through his hair, he was never good with women. How could he be? The last female friend, hell the last friend, he had had was years ago and she had been in a mental ward just like him. There was a reason he didn't talk to most people, girls in particular, his age.

"I'm sorry-" Shinji stammered out.

"That is fine," Rei cut in quickly, unable to meet his gaze.

Silence filled the room. It seemed neither pilot knew what to say.

"Uh... How are Toji and that other boy?" Shinji asked to break the silence. He couldn't explain why he had done what he did, but something inside him felt drawn to Rei. Either way, he decided he should probably change the subject, and he genuinely was curious.

"They came to visit but left after seeing you asleep. Physically, the boys are unhurt," Rei answered simply.

Shinji laughed in spite of everything saying, "I'm glad they're okay."

"Ikari... Shinji, you talk in your sleep," Rei said suddenly.

_Do I?_ Shinji thought uneasily.

" **Who was crying?**  You said my name?" Rei said slowly. She looked as uncomfortable as he felt.

Thinking quickly, Shinji ran his good hand through his hair saying, "just bad dreams."

He ran a hand across his face remembering the tears on his face in the dream. Or vision. Or whatever the hell it was. But the tears had felt so real... he had felt himself crying... and he'd felt such sorrow that he could not explain... but his eyes were dry now. Why had he cried?

"Were the dreams bad because I was in them?" Rei asked quietly.

Shinji blinked at her in surprise.

_How could she think that?_

He stammered out a response, "uh? No! Rei that's... that's not what I meant-"

The door opened, and a nurse entered the room.

The two Eva pilots looked up to see a young girl, maybe a little younger than Misato, beaming at Shinji.

_Her again..._  Shinji thought, remembering the nurse he'd snapped at on the roof.

"Well, Mr. Ikari. Little over a month later, and you came back to pay us a visit. I thought you said you didn't like hospital rooms," the nurse said coming in to check on Shinji.

"I don't," he said flatly.

"Then maybe you shouldn't keep landing in the hospital," the nurse chirped. She began to prep a bag of IV and glanced at Shinji's vitals.

_It's not my idea,_ he thought bitterly.

"And hello there, young lady. I'm happy to see you stayed with him all this time. You really have to give your boyfriend a talking to. He keeps getting himself hurt," the nurse said smiling softly at Rei.

Shinji choked and stammered out a hurried, "no. It's not like that."  _Stupid adults, always thinking they know everything,_ he thought.

"We are not romantically involved," Rei deadpanned.

The nurse looked at Shinji and Rei in turn, giving the two teenagers a coy look that clearly said that she didn't believe either of them.

Rei Ayanami found that she did not like this nurse.

"Well then, I'm sorry miss. But I need to examine Mr. Ikari now that he's up. I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave the room. Every patient needs their privacy," the nurse said surprisingly cheerful in spite of the attack earlier.

Rei rose from her chair saying, "I will call Misato and let her know you are awake. She will most likely come to pick you up shortly."

"I... thanks Rei," Shinji said as his fellow pilot left the room.

The nurse pulled the curtain up to give him an extra sense of privacy, then got to work.

* * *

_An hour later.  
_ _Misato's car._

After the nurse had examined Shinji, an uncomfortable experience that he should have been used to by now but wasn't, they'd wanted him to spend an extra night at the hospital. Nerv however, had apparently pulled some strings to get him released early.

Misato picked him up at the entrance after he'd gotten his things back and changed into his street clothes.

Still... something about his appointed guardian was off. Shinji thought she was mad about something; the way she was so quiet. That was strange for Misato.

He sat in the passenger seat watching the night sky as they drove on in silence.

"Why are you mad?" Shinji asked, finally breaking the silence as Misato kept her eyes on the road.

"... I'm not mad," Misato said.

"You are," Shinji said, tearing his gaze from the window to look at her instead.

Misato tsked in annoyance. She abruptly changed lanes at the intersection and went down an unfamiliar road, Shinji frowned not sure what was going on.

She ended up driving to the parking lot of a mostly empty store. Almost no customers or cars in the lot. Misato parked in one of the many empty spots, then turned to Shinji so they could speak.

"You disobeyed orders!" Misato said nearly shouting at him.

Shinji flinched back as if struck. He had been yelled at by adults before, in his years in the ward, yet he had never thought Misato would too... she wasn't like the other adults.

"I'm sorry," he said. He did what he always did when adults yelled at him. He looked away and buried his feelings down and spoke plainly, completely deadpan.

"I'm the one giving orders here! I was put in charge of operations by the commander. Do you understand?!" Misato said grabbing him and forcing him to look at her, taking the boy by complete surprise.

"Yes," Shinji deadpanned. He'd played games like this before, but he hated it when it was Misato.

"Are you even listening to me?!" Misato said not buying it. She knew he was just saying whatever words would make her stop yelling. She'd done something similar when she was a kid getting yelled at, though for vastly different reasons.

"Yes."

"No, you're not getting out of this by saying 'yes' all the time!" Misato said shaking Shinji by the collar of his shirt.

"What does it matter? We killed the Angels. Isn't that enough?" Shinji said softly.

"That's not the point. You get into the Eva with that attitude, and you'll end up dead!" Misato said getting more frustrated by the second.

" _No one would miss me_ ," Shinji said flatly.

His voice was empty, no sorrow, no pain, no angst, just pure fact. Something he seemed to have accepted a long time ago, and for some reason that made Misato even sadder than if he had screamed at her, that was just... she didn't even know where to begin with that.

Misato sighed, her anger stifled by the boy's words.

_**Tell her the truth. Better that way.** _

He winced from the twinges of pain within his skull but pretended to wipe something off his face to cover it up. He needed his pills, but for now, that would have to wait.

"I wouldn't leave Rei behind. She's hurt, and Nerv made her pilot anyway. I'll just have to do until she gets better. And then... I don't know," Shinji said never once breaking eye contact with his guardian.

Funny how he seemed to be two different people at times, Misato noted.

"I... Shinji..." Misato groaned. She comically banged her head into the steering wheel of her parked car.

"Everything okay?" he asked frowning.

"It's fine. Just- just don't say things like that! Damn it, you're a kid! You shouldn't talk like that. You have to care about yourself, don't just go off on your own like that again," Misato said sounding more tired that she would have cared to admit.

Shinji made to speak, but Misato put a hand on his shoulder saying, "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"You're not mad?" Shinji asked surprised.

"No. I think you need to follow orders. But I also think you have a good heart. A heart that's in the right place," Misato said as she restarted the car.

"... thanks, I guess," Shinji said not sure what to make of that.

_What does that even mean, 'heart in the right place'?_ he thought to himself frowning.

_**It means that she likes you. Stop taking your pills. I'm leaving you alone from here on out.** _

Shinji held in his flinch but only just, running a hand through his hair awkwardly to cover any strange reactions he had showed. Misato didn't seem to notice.

_Acting so mature one minute, then a kid again in the next. What a strange boy?_ Misato thought, shaking her head with a chuckle.

Misato put her car in drive and left the parking lot once again heading for the road. They drove in silence, but different than the one before. A comfortable silence between friends? Roommates? Legally appointed guardian and child? Boss? Shinji sometimes had trouble defining their relationship, but he cherished it nonetheless.

Shinji checked his bag pretending to look for his SDAT player while he was really counting his remaining pills. He was running dangerously low... and his problem wasn't going away. If anything, piloting the Eva seemed to make it  _worse._  It worried him, but he couldn't get more without Misato noticing.

And if she knew then everything would change.

"Is it there? I can swing by the hospital?" Misato called.

Shinji panicked saying, "I found it, just making sure."

He looked up from his bag to see Misato driving them on a familiar road, for now, all he could do was enjoy the moment. He'd have to figure something out, and if not, then he only hoped she would try to understand that he wasn't as bad as he used to be. That he wasn't going crazy again, that he wouldn't allow himself to go insane a second time.

"Let's go home. It's been an exhausting day," Shinji said.

* * *

_Meanwhile.  
Nerv HQ._

Dr. Ritsuko Akagi sat in front of her workstation going over the Magi supercomputers' reports. Specifically, the analyzed data from the most recent Angel attack as well as from the previous attack. Her eyes lingered on the entry of Shinji's first ever piloting run, the day the boy had achieved a sync ratio of 91%.

Taking a sip of her coffee, only one of her many cups this evening, Ritsuko glanced over Shinji's vitals from both incidents. How they had changed throughout both battles, how some anomaly had allowed the boy to do the strange things he could do with Unit 01.

On her workstation sat yet another memo from the commander's office detailing that her request for a second look at Shinji Ikari's medical files was denied. The boy's files had essentially been sealed by the higher-ups at Nerv.

"What effect does the mental stability of a pilot have on the Evas?" Ritsuko muttered to herself.

For now, she would have to make do with the Magi's provided data and the simulations, but she would look into this further. Why had the Angels ignored Rei and gone after Shinji instead? There had to be a reason.

An unprecedented event that broke all known patterns.

She knew that the boy wasn't receiving his medicine anymore, now that he was living with Misato. For whatever reason, the boy's guardian had never bothered to look into his past nor had Shinji encouraged her to do so.

"What makes you so special?" Ritsuko murmured at the display of Shinji's vitals in the dark empty room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was quite long eh? That's why I had to split the previous one.  
> I liked writing the differences between Rei's piloting and Shinji's, with Shinji being less trained and more clumsy, while Rei being more experienced and calm throughout the fight despite her wounds.
> 
> I wanted Eva Piloting itself to be a challenge. I want the 'battles' in this story to have a kind of weight to them, and whilst our protagonist did alright on his first run, his second run is a whole other story. 
> 
> Shinji is a complex character, I wanted to show that he doesn't always listen to his own advice because he's human (what he told Rei).
> 
> Anyway thanks for Reading and please Review!


	6. Ripple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji makes some friends, and Ritsuko makes a deal. The Second Child takes a disturbing test.

 

* * *

" _Time is not linear. Time is simultaneous. To peel back, to change even a single thing is to cause a ripple in a pond. That ripple creates another, and so on and so on. Those changes aren't always good, often they're not, they_ _cascade_ _. But even with all that... some things linger. Remnants. Bonds so strong that they never fade. Not even across time."_

**_\- the Broken Man_ **

* * *

_Morning,  
_ _German Nerv Branch HQ._

The prodigal Second Child sat at the desk, a scowl emerging on her face, as she watched the display screen. Archived footage of the Third Child's first piloting run played across the screen, records of Eva Unit 01 engaging an Angel and utterly destroying it after some initial stumbling.

Asuka Langley Sohryu crossed her arms, the computer on the desk continued to play the footage.

The office door opened and Ryoji Kaji stepped in.

"Still going over the archives? Thought you'd have gotten bored by now," Kaji said smirking at the teenage girl in his office.

 _She always sits in my desk. Annoying, but the child prodigy must get what she wants or she throws a tantrum,_ the man thought offhandedly.

"Kaji!" the Second Child said beaming up at his arrival, she usually did.

Asuka rose to her feet saying, "eh, not much to do after testing. Might as well check out the competition."

Kaji sighed inwardly as the German girl rounded his desk and clung to him.

He shook his head.

"Nothing wrong with a little fun. But it's not a competition, Asuka."

"I'm not worried; I saw Mr. Third Child stumbling. Damn kid couldn't even walk straight for the first few minutes," Asuka smirked. She was putting on a show for herself, Kaji had known her long enough to realize she didn't like anyone being better than her at anything.

Asuka herself had only been able to run sync tests, and simulations to get an idea of piloting Eva Unit 02. She had never piloted under a combat scenario, yet she was Germany's pride, the child prodigy that until recently had held the highest sync ratio ever.

"That 'damn kid' achieved a sync ratio of 91%," Kaji said playfully. The footage that Nerv captured of the incident did not reflect this information, but Asuka had wanted to see the video all the same.

"What?!" Asuka said, not believing it. The teenage girl's shoulders slumped and she gaped at the man before her.

"The Third Child, his name's Shinji Ikari, had a record-breaking 91% sync ratio. Now, he wasn't able to maintain it for very long, roughly 12 seconds. But he did it. He's getting quite a reputation," Kaji said simply.

He knew he probably shouldn't have done it, but he felt it was good to take Asuka down a peg or two every now and again. Something to humble her, she was without a doubt a very talented girl with great potential for piloting.

However, her attitude could be troubling. Even Kaji, who wasn't exactly a saint, could see that.

"That bumbling idiot got a higher sync ratio than me?! That's not possible!" Asuka stammered out as she turned to watch the footage again.

Kaji was about to tell her to calm down, that she would have the chance to prove herself when the time came, but Asuka beat him to it.

"Just you wait, Kaji. When it's my turn, I'll show them how a real pilot gets things done," Asuka said smirking.

 _And there it is. Child prodigy that doesn't back down from a challenge,_ Kaji thought.

"I'm sure you will, kid. Eva Unit 02 is almost ready. But until then, you have a meeting with the doc. Get your things, we're leaving now," Kaji said.

"Do we have to go already? 3 hours of sync tests and now the doctor? Why not tomorrow? I heard some of the staff talking about a new restaurant-" Asuka began, swinging her hips back and forth in a way that made Kaji annoyed.

 _You're a child. Stop acting like that,_ he thought.

"Sorry kid, rules are rules. Get your things," Kaji said interrupting before Asuka could finish.

Asuka frowned, but it left her face quickly as she nodded and grabbed her things. Probably trying to impress Kaji with her maturity. Something she tended to do when Kaji repeatedly referred to her as 'kid'.

...

The drive to the facility was relatively uneventful, Asuka only politely asking to control the radio and only listening to German music. Once there, Kaji signed the forms needed and Asuka blinked in surprise as they were led to an MRI machine.

"Rules. Nerv demanded it," Kaji answered when Asuka gave him a confused look.

The facility personnel led Asuka away, the woman in charge smiled politely at her and went over a quick explanation of the procedure. Explaining that the process was painless and that they were going to scan her brain as if Asuka didn't already understand. As if she was a child and not a college graduate.

"Humph, I know what an MRI is. Magnetic Resonance Imaging, you're taking an image of the anatomy and physiological processes of my brain. I already graduated college you know," Asuka said smugly.

The fake smile fell from the face of the woman in charge of the operation. Whatever the staff had been expecting in the girl, this child prodigy, it had definitely not been that.

"Very well, miss Sohryu. Let's get this over with," the woman said.

Asuka was strapped in and the technicians got to work. The child prodigy stayed completely silent throughout the entire MRI. Kaji watched from the observatory window.

...

When the MRI was finished, Kaji turned to the doctor Nerv had brought in, asking "how'd it go?"

"It went fine. We need more time to analyze the data, but I see no obvious problems. Nerv is just being cautious, we all have a vested interest in the health of the Eva Pilots," Dr. Page said in answer. Though the American woman barely looked at him.

 _Page... never liked her. Can't get a read on her, it's like everything she does is carefully measured and controlled,_ Kaji thought. He had his suspicions about her.

"That all? I think the Second Child would like to leave by now. She's had a long day," Kaji said, acting the role as Asuka's caretaker for the day.

"I'm afraid not. I have one final test for the Second Child. I will personally attend to it myself, Nerv has been kind enough to lend me an office. Per doctor-patient confidentiality, I must ask you to give us privacy," Dr. Page said softly.

"I'm sure Asuka won't mind-" Kaji began.

"But the law would. I'm sorry, this test is private. With any luck, I will finish quickly and the two of you will never hear from me again," Dr. Page said smiling brightly at him.

 _Perfectly practiced motions and gestures, all to keep people calm,_ Kaji noted with a flicker of annoyance.

He kept his cool, however, and glanced back through the observation window, Asuka was complaining to the facility staff as they pulled her from the MRI.  _Sorry kid, nothing I can do,_ he thought.

"Fine. I'll wait outside," Kaji said, somewhat reluctant.

Page noticed the stiffness in his shoulders as he left. Neither cared much for the other it seemed.

...

Once Asuka had finished the MRI, she had been looked forward to heading home with Kaji, but instead, she'd found another doctor waiting for her. A young woman with dark brown hair and clearly American.

Without much choice, Asuka was forced to follow the American doctor to an office upstairs while Kaji lingered behind them. Once the doctor and Asuka stepped inside, Kaji didn't follow but waved at the teenage prodigy saying, "I'll be waiting when you get out."

"What?-" Asuka began frowning, only for the doctor to gently pull her inside the office before closing the door behind them.

She scowled but took a seat. The American sat across from her.

"Hello there, miss Sohryu. I am Dr. Page, and though I've lived in Japan for many years now, I have flown all the way here to speak with you today. I've heard so many great things about you," the doctor said in perfect German, even down to the accent.

Asuka was impressed. She blinked in surprise before answering in her mother tongue, "you speak very good German, unlike most foreigners in Nerv."

"Why thank you. I had heard how intelligent you are, a true lady, but no one had told me how kind you could be," Dr. Page said smiling.

Asuka smirked. "I am pretty great."

"Indeed, now before you go we have one final test for you. Just a private talk among us women, shouldn't take long," Dr. Page continued.

"What about Kaji?" Asuka asked frowning. She glanced pensively at the door, but she quickly turned back to Page not wanting to show her nervousness.

"He'll be waiting outside. He did ask if he could sit in, but I thought you were mature enough to handle a simple test on your own," Dr. Page said speaking with care.

Inwardly, Dr. Page beamed as Asuka took the bait.

"Of course I can," Asuka said, putting on her best smirk.

"Glad to hear it," Dr. Page said, pulling out a folder. Picking through the folder's contents, Page pulled out a series of photographs and set them each face down carefully on the desk. Asuka looked confused but said nothing.

Dr. Page considered the photographs before her. Then she picked one and slid across the desk to the Second Child.

"Look at this picture and tell me what you see."

Asuka looked the picture over, confused.

The photograph in laying before her was a scan of a drawing. The image had been made with color pencils from the looks of it, put together by the crude untrained strokes of a child. The drawing revealed a humanoid figure, with only its upper half torso. The creature, whatever it was, lay crucified to a red cross. It was completely white save for its faceplate. And protruding from the humanoid figure's chest was a single red spear.

Dr. Page continued, "does it stir anything in you? Make you think of anything in particular?"

Asuka frowned.

"What the hell is this? Looks like something out of a horror movie?"

"A drawing used to test the psychological effects of people's association," Dr. Page lied smoothly.

Asuka shook her head speaking in German, "this doesn't mean anything to me. Just a creepy picture... of a drawing."

Dr. Page took the photograph back and handed Asuka another one.

The new photograph showed another scan of a child's drawing. This time of a sphere with a warped colored pattern that cast a strange menacing shadow over what appear to be city buildings. Oddly enough... the shadow was depicted in a blurry haze as if it was moving.

When Asuka said she didn't know what to make of it, Dr. Page took it back and handed her another.

"This is the last one," Dr. Page said.

Asuka took the photo growing more annoyed by the minute.

 _What's with these stupid questions? And why would someone make copies of a drawing? A kid's drawing?_ the girl thought, fighting the urge to scowl.

The last drawing showed a child's rendition of a multi-winged creature with bright intense whites amid a sea of black and blue.

"... Is that supposed to be 'something' in space? The ocean maybe?" Asuka said, sounding bored, as she turned the photo back to Dr. Page.

"If that's what you think it is," Dr. Page answered in German.

Asuka slid the photo back across the desk. Dr. Page took it scribbling down notes on her clipboard, and Asuka couldn't help but notice many  _more_  pictures in the American doctor's folder.

Putting the pictures back into the folder, Page looked up at Asuka.

"You did very well. Clever girl, the pictures don't mean anything. They test you by seeing if you would make something up to sound more interesting. But you didn't, you told the truth and saw that the photos are ultimately meaningless. I'm impressed," Dr. Page lied smoothly.

Asuka didn't seem to notice or care much about the lie. She only nodded her head saying, "of course I couldn't be tricked into making an answer up. I'm better than that."

"Now then, I have a series of questions for you and then you'll be free to leave," Dr. Page said.

Asuka stirred in her chair trying to get into a more comfortable position.

"I deal with problem children, Asuka. Nerv specifically called me in, so I ask that you please answer my questions truthfully, and to the best of your ability. Kaji nor I will ever judge you based on these answers, do you understand?"

Asuka slapped a hand on the desk saying, "I am not a problem child!"

"Of course not, I was only available at the wrong time and at the wrong place. In fact, I'd say you have nothing to worry about. You're already doing much better than any other patient I've ever had," Dr. Page lied.

The compliment seemed to calm the Second Child somewhat.

"Fine," Asuka said ready for the questions.

"First, have you ever had recurring nosebleeds? Or else strange headaches that you couldn't explain? Trouble sleeping for extended periods of time? Night terrors?" Dr. Page asked.

Asuka crossed her arms coldly.

"No. Of course not. I'm in great health. Why would you ask that? Nerv wouldn't let a wimp pilot an Eva."

"You're right of course. But it is important that I know those things, so have you ever had any problems?" Dr. Page asked again.

"No," Asuka answered coldly.

Dr. Page scribbled down a few notes onto her clipboard before looking back up at Asuka, their eyes meeting as the American asked: " **have you ever heard voices in your head?** "

"What?" Asuka said clearly taken aback.

"Have you ever heard a voice, or voices, in your head that only you could hear? Something that told you things, that knew your name?" Dr. Page continued blankly.

"I am not crazy!" Asuka said slamming a hand onto the desk and standing up.

Dr. Page studied the teenage girl before her in silence, letting Asuka pant angrily for several moments

"Ms. Sohryu, this is very important. I care about you. Are you telling me the truth?" Dr. Page continued after the emotional teenage girl had calmed a little.

"Of course I'm telling the truth. I'm not crazy! What are you trying to do? Lock me up in a mental ward?!" Asuka snapped.

"It matters, Asuka, because you lied to me, and I asked you to answer truthfully. But you didn't," Dr. Page said suddenly.

Asuka froze.

"I know about your mother," Dr. Page said, her eyes never leaving Asuka's.

"I... you..." Asuka mumbled in barely a whisper, unable to speak properly. The tension that had suddenly filled the office was thick enough to cut with a knife.

"You  _did_ , in fact, have night terrors for a time. I've read your file. But you lied to me when I asked about it," Dr. Page said crossly.

"That... that's private. I don't have to talk to you about this! I don't want to!" Asuka yelled.

"Yes, you do. If you do not, then I will give Nerv my recommendation that you are unfit to pilot Eva Unit 02," Dr. Page said.

Asuka flinched back as if struck. Making a choice, Asuka took a deep breath and avoided looking at the doctor. Slowly, she spoke, saying, "you read my file. You know what my... what that woman did. I had night terrors, but they're gone now."

"Thank you for your honesty. Now, tell me. Have you ever heard voices in your head? Voices that only you could hear?" Dr. Page continued.

"No, I'm telling the truth. I'm better than that. I never went crazy," Asuka said fiercely, forcing herself to look back at Dr. Page.

The two women stared each other down. Dr. Page made to scribble more notes on her clipboard, only for Asuka to reach out and smack the clipboard out of the doctor's hands.

CLANG.

Dr. Page's clipboard slammed into the office wall, before landing with an audible thud on the floor.

"I'm not crazy," Asuka said, voice dangerously low and nearly hissing.

"I believe you," Dr. Page said after several moments of silent staring.

Getting to her feet, Dr. Page gestured to the door saying, "I think we're done. I admit that perhaps I pushed too far. You are clearly not mentally unsound. I assure you that I will not stop you piloting. Thank you for your honesty; you're free to go."

Asuka stormed out of the office, slamming the door closed on her way out.

...

Kaji snapped awake when the office door flew open, and a frantic Asuka stormed out.

He hastily met her in the hallway and gasped as the angry teen stormed past him.

_Kid? Kid, what did Page do?_

"Asuka? Asuka, what happened? Are you okay?" Kaji said following after Asuka as she fled the hallway.

"I'm fine. I want to go home. Please... just take me home," Asuka said near pleadingly. Kaji reached a hand out to comfort her but she shook him off with a heavy pant, it sounded like she was almost in tears.

Kaji was left speechless at that.

"... Alright. Let's go," he said, having never seen the Second Child in such a state. He looked back at the office where Dr. Page had set up.

 _There's something very wrong with that lady,_  Kaji thought.

* * *

 _Japan.  
_ _Tokyo-03._

"Just do it."

"I… I can't."

"Don't be such a wimp. Give it your best shot. Come on, I can take it!"

Shinji Ikari raised his hand, balled it into a fist, and winced from the ache it caused him. He still hadn't fully recovered from the last Angel attack.

"I don't want to…" he said slowly, his face a mixture of nervousness, unease, and awkwardness.

Toji was towering over him. The boy's face stern and ridged, hands held to his side, perfectly prepared for a punch straight to the face.

"Hey, just do it. It's the only way he can forgive himself," Kensuke was saying from the sidelines.

"But, I don't want to punch you," Shinji said lamely, his fist raised but unmoving.

"Do it. It's only fair!" Toji fumed.

"I don't want to hit anyone. It's okay. I deserved it."

"Stop being so... so  _nice._ Men aren't supposed to be nice!"

 _Men aren't supposed to be nice? Huh? Is that really true?_ Shinji thought with a frown.

"Punch me! Then we'll be even," Toji grumbled, face stern and prepared for the hit.

Shinji grimaced and pulled his fist back, he really  _really_ did not want to do this. How would this make them even? Did this mean they were friends now? Why would friends hit each other? Did all other boys make friends this way? He really didn't know.

Toji closed his eyes... and nothing happened.

"Oh come on!" Kensuke laughed, almost wheezing as Toji opened his eyes to see Shinji's fist hovering an inch from his face.

_I don't want to... why is that so hard to understand?_

A look of pure awkwardness emerged firmly on Shinji's face, and he lowered his fist. Before Toji could start shouting again, Shinji stepped back shaking his head.

"Uh... really, it's fine. I deserved it. We're... 'even'... okay?" Shinji stammered.

_'Even,' I hope that's the right word. Ahhh, I wish there was a rulebook or something._

The three of them stood in the school courtyard, Shinji had been heading to class when the two boys had cornered him. They had made an odd sight, with Shinji and the partial cast on his arm, the light bandages on his face and chest, thankfully hidden by his shirt, being cornered by two classmates who apparently  _wanted_  to get punched.

"No! That's not how this works! I shouldn't have hit you, alright. Hit me back and we can forget about it," Toji bristled.

"Think of it like this, how many times do you get a free pass to hit someone?" Kensuke said oddly cheerful.

"I already forgot about it. There, so we're even," Shinji stammered meekly.

Toji scowled and stepped forward grabbing him by the arm.

"Ack" Shinji groaned, his arm hadn't fully healed.

Toji raised Shinji's fist up for him.

"Alright, you're going to hit me. Ready?" Toji was saying, the boy frustrated beyond belief that he had to literally  _help_ Shinji punch him.

 _This is so weird..._ Shinji thought.

Suddenly a young but harsh voice cut through the air as Hikari Horaki, class representative, and oddly enough Rei Ayanami emerged onto the scene.

"Toji! Kensuke! What are you two doing to poor Shinji?"

Both boys froze. Thankfully, Toji released Shinji's arm.

Shinji watched as Toji unconsciously stepped back as the girl with twin pigtails strode for them.

"Hey, Hikari. Hey, Rei," Shinji said lamely.

The class representative nodded her acknowledgment and stared down the other two boys. Rei said nothing, she rarely did.

"What are you two bothering him with now? Can't you see he's hurt?" Hikari said crossing her arms.

"It's a guy thing, you wouldn't understand-" Toji began only for Kensuke to cut in saying, "a while back, Toji hit Shinji. But we're sorry, so we thought it'd only be fair if Shinji hits him back... only Shinji doesn't want to."

"Kensuke!" Toji shouted.

"Oh, that again. Ugh, boys are so stupid," Hikari sighed.

The class representative shook her head continuing, "Toji, Kensuke, head to class. I need to talk to Shinji." Funny how sometimes she seemed like almost an adult with the other, and sometimes bigger, kids cowering before her wrath.

"Class doesn't start for 15 minutes. And besides you can't tell us what to do outside of class-" Toji began only to groan as Hikari pinched his ear and pulled hard.

 _It's like she runs the school or something. Damn, Toji's just taking it,_ Shinji thought.

He watched, unsure of what to do, as Hikari pulled on Toji's ear yanking the boy forward.

**_The power of women, Shinji. You don't realize how much they run things._ **

_The voice again. Agh, not good. I need my pills,_ Shinji thought, fighting the urge to flinch.

"Go to class," Hikari said firmly, releasing Toji as she spoke.

Kensuke took his friend's arm and led him off towards the classroom. "Sorry about all this Shinji, we'll make it up to you somehow," the boy said as he and a still grumbling Toji walked off.

Shinji watched the other boys leave never quite understanding how that had all happened.

"But I deserved it," Shinji murmured so softly that no one heard him.

 ** _No, you didn't,_** the voice rasped.

_Go away. I'm not listening to you._

"Crazy girl, who the hell goes around pinching people!" Toji was shouting even as Kensuke dragged him off.

Hikari stared them down until they were gone.

_Well, that was... odd._

He kept his eyes downcast but then he realized Rei was watching him, the pale skinned girl never saying a word until he met her gaze.

Immediately, Rei turned away, and Hikari spoke up calling Shinji by name.

"Huh, sorry," Shinji said awkwardly.

"I said are you alright? I know Toji and Kensuke can be a handful sometimes. And were they telling the truth? They wanted you to hit them? Rei said it looked like they were picking a fight with you?" Hikari asked.

 _Did Rei grab the class representative for me?_ Shinji thought.

"Oh, they're not so bad. It's a long story," Shinji said. He flinched slightly as the thing in his head stirred, but then it stopped. Gone in a second.

He ran a hand through his hair to cover up the flinch, and continued speaking, "... but I don't want to hit them. Toji got mad when I wouldn't."

Hikari listened to the story, more bemused than anything else, before smiling.

"Glad at least some of my classmates don't act like idiots," the class-representative said. It was like she was actually impressed.

Shinji did not understand girls, not even close. He felt his face grow warm in spite of himself. He couldn't remember the last time a girl, any girl, had actually smiled at him besides his first friend.

"I... thanks, I think. Um, you said you needed to talk to me?" Shinji said slowly.

"Your guardian called saying that she told the teachers you and Rei are to be excused from physical activities. For the next few days anyway. She especially asked I 'keep an eye out for you' I just wanted to let you know," Hikari said.

Shinji listened, he really did, but he noticed Rei looking at him again. He tried to look at the pale girl and once again she turned away.

"You two should really be more careful. Class is starting soon. Don't be late," Hikari said, looking at her watch before waving goodbye to both her classmates.

 _She knows we're both pilots?_ Shinji thought as he waved Hikari off.

"Rei... I... you called her when you thought I was in a fight?" Shinji asked before the girl could disappear again. He didn't know why he did it, he wasn't good at talking to girls, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Hikari chuckled as she left the two Eva pilots, something that Shinji did notice and for some reason found very annoying.

"I had reason to believe you were in danger, and we have been advised to avoid physically straining activities," Rei said, without emotion.

Rei had bandages just as Shinji had, and although his injuries had been more severe after the incident with the two Angels, she had already been recovering from a previous incident when she'd been hurt again. Though she hid it well, Shinji thought he could sometimes see her wince from time to time.

"Oh. Uh, thanks for looking out for me," Shinji said. He noted that just as before, Rei never liked to make eye contact when she spoke with people.

His fellow Eva pilot nodded, saying nothing. She left him, heading for class just like everyone else had. Not knowing what else to say or do, Shinji followed.

Damn it, he wished he was better at talking to people his own age.

...

The school day played out as usual, with Shinji taking his usual seat beside Rei's, and the teacher droning on and on about the history of the world since the Second Impact. Of the strange event that had nearly caused a global catastrophe. Of the Post-Second-Impact world forcing the UN to take action, the founding of Nerv and the JSSDF.

Shinji took notes, but he didn't really care, especially with the glances some of his fellow classmates gave him and Rei.

Maybe it was the fact that both of them had bandages on, but somehow Shinji figured that most, if not all, of the class, seemed to know that he and Rei were the Eva pilots. Hikari had told him before how there were rumors. Said rumors had spread remarkably fast.

When it came time for the students to do their physical activities for the day, usually swimming for the girls and running for the boys, Shinji was told by his teachers to sit it out.

He noticed Rei had also been told to sit it out. Hikari had let them know, yet he still found himself glancing upward at his fellow Eva pilot. Both of them had been 'benched' for lack of a better term.

After they were released for lunch, Shinji made his way to an empty bathroom. He reached into his bag, pulling out his prescription bottle. He hadn't bothered bringing the white or blue pills with him, he hadn't needed them as much lately, and those were mostly to help him sleep.

"Almost out," Shinji murmured as he grabbed one of the few remaining red pills.

_Should I? The thing in my head only stirred twice today... but what if it comes back?_

Ultimately, he put one of the pills in his mouth and swallowed it. He couldn't explain it, but piloting the Eva seemed to make his problem worse, and he wasn't taking any chances.

Minutes later, Shinji wandered the school patio for a place to eat the lunch he'd prepared. He spotted Rei sitting alone at the same table as before. The same spot where he'd joined her for lunch the day of the last attack.

He walked over to her, saying, "hello."

Rei looked up at him, surprised that he had approached her again.

"Hello, pilot Ikari... Shinji," the pale girl said. She tilted her head at him.

"Uh, can I join you? That is... if you don't mind?"

"I do not mind," Rei said. Something about her was different, she wasn't as deadpan, and though she didn't want to make eye contact, she seemed to pay him more attention than previously.

Shinji took a seat across from her. They made an odd sight, a boy and girl in bandages, sitting all alone.

"Here, let me," Shinji said, reaching across the table to help Rei cut her food up.

Rei hesitated, before relenting. She watched him cut up her food for the second time. Just as before, her injuries had made her hands stiff. It made it difficult for her to prepare her own food.

"... Thank you," Rei said slowly after Shinji had finished.

He handed her the food, and they ate in silence for a moment before Rei suddenly spoke. Her voice was almost deadpan, quiet but audible, she said: "why did you do that again?"

"It just- it seemed like the right thing to do. And you saved me during the last attack. I- I don't think I would have made it without you," Shinji said, not really knowing why he did it himself.

Rei considered that. Seemingly unsure of what to say.

"I never did thank you for that, did I? I'm sorry that you had to get involved, you got hurt again because of me," Shinji said, his eyes downcast.

Rei tilted her head at him.

" _Thank you_ , for saving me that day," Shinji finished.

"You were hurt worse than me," Rei said quietly.

"They shouldn't have made you do that. You were already hurt. And I took so long to help you in the end. Heh, I'm not a very good pilot. I think I just get lucky most times," Shinji said. He didn't know what else to talk about, their only real connection was the Eva Units.

Shinji's arm ached as he ate his food, the movement brought back old pains from the fight. No doubt Rei felt something similar, but neither spoke of it. An unspoken understanding.

"You... you are kind," Rei said. The pale girl managed to make eye contact with him for a brief moment.

Shinji was going to say that he tried to be, but Rei continued speaking before he could.

"You are kind to  _me_. Why?" Rei said. She was looking directly at him, the mask of solemn silence she wore beginning to crack.

Shinji stopped eating to think about that.

He sensed that the answer was important to Rei, even if he didn't fully understand it. Why was he so kind to Rei? Because they were both Eva pilots? Because for some reason he felt drawn to her?

"I think because... you remind me of myself," Shinji said slowly, but from the heart.

A long lost memory stirred.

* * *

 _Nearly six years ago._  
_Mental Ward_

Little Shinji sat alone in the cafeteria eating his meal slowly. He had stopped counting the days since he'd been placed in the ward. The last count had been 64 days in total. 64 days of wearing basically the same pair of plain white scrubs, of speaking only when spoken too, which was rare. After that, he didn't see the point in counting anymore.

The lonely little boy stared into his food barely bothering to eat. He knew that he had to eat, the staff got mad at him when he didn't. He didn't much care anymore, just another day of being isolated here. Of daily tests, medicine, lunch, and then back to his private room away from the other patients. The days bled into the next with little distinction.

"Hey! You!" a voice suddenly called.

Someone landed in the seat across from him and slammed their food tray onto his table.

CLANG.

Little Shinji nearly fell out of his chair. Suddenly, a girl that was a bit older than him, with long hair that fell past her shoulders, and wearing the same white scrubs, emerged across from him, her arms crossed and glaring at him.

"... hello," Little Shinji mumbled quietly.

"What? Why are you talking so low? Speak up!" the little girl said to him. She leaned across the table to glare at him.

Little Shinji shrank from the girl not sure what to do.

"I..." he began.

"I? I? What? Speak up!" the girl mocked him.

Little Shinji looked for the staff but found them mostly ignoring the patients, they only stepped in when something serious happened. Loud people were not uncommon in a mental ward.

"I know who you are. You're the boy that saw me steal the pudding," the little girl said in barely a whisper.

"I... I didn't tell anyone," Little Shinji managed to mumble.

"Stop mumbling. Speak up," the girl said. She suddenly stood up, climbing atop the table, and literally  _slid_  herself across to sit beside him.

Little Shinji practically had a heart attack as the girl landed beside him. He flinched as she grabbed her food tray and brought it towards her new seat beside him.

"What you say?" the girl asked in barely a whisper. She didn't have her eyes on him though, she kept glancing at the staff in the distance, making sure the two of them weren't being watched.

 _You forgot 'did'. You're supposed to say 'what did you say'_ Shinji thought. He did not correct the strange girl though, he was too afraid of her.

"I said I didn't tell anyone," Little Shinji said, trembling at the strange girl beside him.

"Good. Have some more," the girl said suddenly.

He felt something brush against his chest. He flinched, but then that same thing did it again.

"Take it, you dummy. I'm trying to be nice," the little girl hissed, eyeing the staff in the distance.

Shinji looked down to see the girl's hand, a cup of stolen pudding in her palm, brushing against his chest under the table. Little Shinji didn't know what to say, he'd already eaten his pudding, it was the only good thing about the food here.

"What? You don't like pudding? I saw you eat yours," the little girl whispered into his ear. The act made him jump but the girl put her other hand on his shoulder to keep him from falling out of his seat.

"... I like pudding," Little Shinji said stupidly. He took the dessert and put it on his food tray.

"Hmm, you don't talk much do you?" the strange girl asked.

"... no," Little Shinji said in barely a whisper.

"Mari," the little girl said. She pulled out another cup of stolen pudding from somewhere he couldn't see and put it on her food tray. How many cups did she steal?

"What?" Little Shinji whispered.

"My name. My name is Mari; you dummy," the little girl said as she started to eat beside him.

"Oh. Okay," Little Shinji said awkwardly.

"Dummy, this is the part where you tell me your name," Mari said giving him a jab in his side.

"Ah. Shinji, my name is Shinji," he said wincing from the jab.

"Shinji? What kind of name is Shinji?"

"... kind of name is... " Shinji mumbled more to himself than her.

"Why are you  _mumbling_? Speak up," Mari said. She reached over, grabbing him by the cheek, and pulled him next to her ear so she could hear him.

Little Shinji almost had another heart attack, he couldn't remember the last time he'd had this much physical contact in a day, and now a girl had pulled him so close to her that he could smell her hair.

"I said... I said what kind of name is Mari?" Little Shinji said stupidly.

Mari pinched his cheek and glared at him, Little Shinji felt himself shrink under her gaze.

But then Mari laughed, he hadn't seen anyone laugh in a long time. Laughter. It sounded so strange in the ward, not the delusions of a patient, but warm... full of life... 'happy' even.

"You're funny, Shinji," Mari said letting him go as he stumbled back into his seat.

"You... you're so uninhibited," Little Shinji said, his voice barely a whisper, not a mumble. He'd learned what Mari would do if he mumbled and she couldn't hear him.

"Uninhabit... uninhubit... what's that word?" Mari said frowning at him.

"Uninhibited. It means you're without restraint. That you don't hold back what you feel," Little Shinji whispered.

"... yeah. I am like that. Hey! Why do you use that word? That's a grown-up word? How you know that word?" Mari asked suddenly.

_She... she's so full of energy._

"I don't know. I just do. I... know things. No idea why," Shinji said, his vocabulary was higher than a child his age should have.

Mari stared at him frowning.

"You're weird," she said, taking a bite of her stolen pudding.

Little Shinji's face fell.

"I like you," Mari said suddenly.

"Eh?" Little Shinji stammered.

Mari slapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer until they bumped heads.

"Me and you. We're friends now. Okay?" she said, whispering into his ear conspiratorially with a wide smile planted firmly on her face.

"Okay," Little Shinji whispered back at this strange girl.

Her name was Mari Illustrious Makinami, and she was Shinji's first friend. She made Shinji find his voice again. Eventually, she made him smile.

* * *

_The present._

"I think because... you remind me of myself," Shinji said slowly.

"Explain?" Rei said softly.

Shinji thought that over as he ate his lunch.

"I don't have many friends. And when I was younger I was in... I didn't talk much."

 _And we're both Eva pilots. We saved each other that day,_ the words went unspoken but seemingly understood between the two injured teenagers.

"I see. Shinji... are we friends?" Rei asked suddenly.

It was only then, now that he had snapped himself out of his memories, that Shinji saw he had Rei's complete attention. He had never seen her like that, red eyes boring into his intently. The rest of the world completely forgotten in her mind, only he existed to her at that moment.

The thing in his head stirred ever so slightly, barely noticeable and yet Shinji felt it. It said nothing, and it was gone in less than a second. But even without it, he would have been awkward, would have felt his face grow warm. No one had ever given him that much attention before.

"I think so. Yeah, we're friends."

"I would like that," Rei said before continuing her lunch.

They sat together in silence, but not altogether uncomfortable. Still, Shinji thought he saw the shadow of a smile on Rei's face.

* * *

_Later._

After school was over, and Shinji and Rei parted ways, he headed for the school entrance to get picked up. Honestly, he still found the thing a little embarrassing, Misato going out of her way to drive him to and from school.

He had skipped school once, but Misato insisted on driving him to ensure that he attended class. A few students made comments, especially after the infamous 'handcuff day', but Shinji just tried to forget them.

Instead of Misato's car pulling into the entrance, it was a red car he had never seen before. The window rolled down and Dr. Akagi gestured for him to get in.

"Dr. Akagi? Where's Misato?" Shinji asked confused.

"Just call me Ritsuko. She's at the apartment finishing up paperwork. You have another test today; it was scheduled at the last minute. Sorry, but Misato called four times to let you know. You never answered."

She opened the passenger door for him as she spoke.

Shinji quickly reached into his bag, pulled out his phone, and saw that Ritsuko was right. Four missed calls, all from Misato.

_Ah. She's gonna be really mad at me. No one else ever calls me though... need to start carrying it with me more often._

"I said I'd help her out by giving you a ride. Come on. The sooner the test is over the sooner you can go home," Ritsuko said simply.

Not knowing what else to do, Shinji got in the car and closed the door.

"Another sync test?" Shinji asked. He felt uncomfortable as he put his seat belt on, and Ritsuko drove off heading for Nerv.

"No, but it shouldn't take long," Ritsuko answered.

Shinji pondered that as he glanced at the older woman driving, she'd been a big part of his life since the day he first piloted Eva Unit 01. However, he didn't know if he liked Ritsuko. She'd given him that look when they first met by the elevators, the look that meant she knew about his past. That he made her nervous. Only that look had gone away in the days that had followed.

He didn't know what to make of her.

* * *

 _Nerv HQ.  
_ _Testing room._

"So Shinji, you were very quiet on the drive here. How are you feeling?"

Ritsuko was wearing her usual lab coat, and from the looks of it, she'd had very little sleep, while Shinji was still in his school clothes. Thankfully, Ritsuko had quickly and silently examined him physically and was now finishing up with his blood work.

"I still have aches but I'm feeling okay I guess," Shinji said with a shrug. He held out his arm with the partial cast for her to see.

He was sitting on a chair as Ritsuko finished examining his physical injuries, and came to the same conclusions the doctors at the hospital had. Shinji was hurt but would recover.

 _Why another physical? The hospital already did that?_ Shinji wondered.

"Have you noticed any strange sensations lately? Have there been any external stresses in your life since piloting? Have you been feeling unwell or tired lately?" Ritsuko asked. Her voice was plain and clinical.

 _External stresses? You mean besides piloting an Eva?_ He thought bitterly.

"No."

Ritsuko looked at him curiously. She seemed to be stealing herself up for something and debating whether or not to go through with it.

"Why couldn't you reach a 91% sync again? During the last attack?" Ritsuko asked finally.

"I don't know," Shinji answered truthfully.

Somehow, he got the feeling that Ritsuko didn't like that answer.

"Hmm, and yet you managed to pilot the Eva even after it ran out of power," Ritsuko muttered more to herself than Shinji.

"Only for a minute or so, and it was only to re-connect the power cable. It hurt... it hurt a lot," Shinji countered.

"Pain is to be expected. Impressive, but why couldn't your sync ratio go as high?" Ritsuko said, thinking aloud.

 _I know what she's doing. The last-minute test... a physical so we'd be alone,_ Shinji thought anxiously.

"You're wondering about the mental stability of the pilot. About  _my_ mental stability."

He said the words and cut straight through the maze that adults liked to adopt when talking. That was what Mari had always done when people tried to question her.

Ritsuko smiled at that, he was an observant lad.

"What makes you say that?" she said, pulling a needle from her lab coat.

Shinji didn't hold out his arm. Instead, he looked at her unblinkingly before speaking.

"I talked to Rei, she told me you theorized that the Evas are only compatible with kids because of our brain chemistry. And I wondered why Nerv would want someone with my history as a pilot. Someone who spent 5 years in a mental ward," he said, a little colder than he wanted.

In his head, Shinji imagined himself looming over Dr. Akagi, cool and calm, meeting her gaze and not backing down. In reality, he was a 14-year-old teenager, awkward, and his gaze faltered in the face of Ritsuko's cool detachment. Worse, he knew what the reality was.

 _He talked to Rei? How strange, the girl almost never talks at all,_ Ritsuko thought.

"I wondered the same thing. Yes, you're right Shinji; I did get a look at your medical files briefly and I know about your past. It's my job to know about the Eva pilots," Ritsuko said, gesturing for his arm.

Shinji reluctantly gave the doctor his arm and winced as Ritsuko stuck the needle in.

"Why haven't you told Misato?" Ritsuko asked.

She drew blood from Shinji's arm, then withdrew the needle with an ease that only comes with countless repetitions.

"... because everyone who knows treats me differently. You did, when we first met at the elevator," Shinji answered, meeting the doctor's gaze again.

"True. I didn't know what to expect, and I see now that perhaps I misjudged you," Ritsuko said, wrapping a small bandage on Shinji's arm.

"But you didn't tell her either?" Shinji asked.

 _Observant boy, isn't he? Yes, I didn't tell Misato because this clearly means something to you. And as cold as it might sound, we need you to pilot and that means we need to avoid any external pressures or stresses in your life,_ Ritsuko thought.

She'd already calculated this, the moment she discovered that Shinji had been the one to hang up on her call with Misato.

"No, I didn't tell her. Honestly, it's her fault for not reading your file when it was available. For the moment, it isn't relevant. But if that changes, I will tell her or maybe you should. The Evangelions are our only hope, and we take great care when it comes to their pilots," Ritsuko said.

"And yet you have a known Schizophrenic for a pilot," Shinji said. He gave her a cold look. Funny how his past always sent him on a short fuse.

"A known Schizophrenic with suspicions of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Yes, I know about the voice in your head. About the breakdowns and the hallucinations," Ritsuko said simply.

Shinji flinched back as if struck.

"I know about the suspected personality change. About the other-" Ritsuko began. Only for Shinji to cut in with barely a whisper, a low pleading voice.

" _Don't_. Don't bring that up. Please."

Ritsuko faltered but nodded.

"Okay, we don't have to talk about it. But surely you can understand my concerns. Look at it from my point of view, only a select few people can pilot. It's only natural that I look into them. Any issues a pilot has could affect the Eva."

Shinji narrowed his eyes saying, "I'm healthy. Dr. Page declared me sane and responsible enough to handle my own medicine over a year ago."

 _The way he talks there... so stern... so... angry... it reminds me of... his father,_ Ritsuko thought.

"Yes, your files stated you were released from the ward almost a year ago. Why don't you just tell Misato that?" Ritsuko asked genuinely curious.

"Like I said... everyone who knows treats me differently," Shinji said looking away.

"Hmm. It must have been bad before you got help," Ritsuko said carefully.

"... You have no idea. It's terrifying. A  _nightmare_ that doesn't stop. It's terrifying to hear a voice that no one else can, to see things that aren't really there... It's one thing to not trust yourself, it's another to not trust your eyes and ears... I don't want to talk about it," Shinji said avoiding her gaze. For the briefest moment, he reverted back to a shell-shocked kid.

The change in him unnerved Ritsuko before she got a hold of herself.

"Shinji... did you know that your father has denied me, and everyone else, further access to your medical files?" Ritsuko said suddenly.

That clearly surprised the boy for he frowned considering that.

"No, I didn't. Why would he do that? He doesn't care about me," Shinji said more to himself than to her.

Ritsuko snapped the boy out of his thoughts saying, "then I have a proposal for you. Since Misato doesn't know about your past, I'm going to assume that she doesn't know you're being prescribed medicine to deal with your condition. And I'm going to assume that you're running out of your meds and that you don't want them sent directly to you as usual. Because if you did, then Misato would wonder why."

Shinji stared at her wide-eyed and nodded.

"I'm running low... yeah."

Ritsuko coolly pulled a cigarette from her lab coat, put it in her mouth, and lit it taking a long whiff. Shinji watched wondering what she was getting at.

"Then I can arrange to receive your pills from now on. Every week, after your tests, I will give you your medicine for the week. You will get your medicine, and Misato won't have to find out about your past until she needs to," Ritsuko said coolly.

 _Why would she offer that? Why would she help me lie to Misato?_ Shinji thought.

"In return for?" Shinji asked feeling uneasy.

"I'll understand if you refuse, and if you do, then the offer still stands. Either way, I would like to ask you some questions about your time in the ward. All I want is some answers now that your medical files are essentially sealed," Ritsuko said plainly.

 _Of course, she still worried about the mental stability of her pilot..._ Shinji thought.

"... if I said no, then you'd still help me get my pills?" Shinji said slowly.

"Yes, it's your choice. I won't force you," Ritsuko said.

"Okay, I'll tell you what I can," Shinji said shifting uncomfortably. He didn't know what he was signing up for, but he needed his pills. He had reason to think that piloting the Eva made his condition worse.

Ritsuko actually smiled at him, a real smile and not one of the fake things that Shinji had seen for most of his life.

Nerv's head scientist got to her feet saying, "that will be all for now. Next week, make sure to come by my office after our tests are done."

"Can you take me back to Misato's?" Shinji asked hurriedly. He was afraid she'd forgotten that.

Ritsuko grabbed her car keys.

"Of course," the older woman said, already heading for the exit. The test hadn't actually been important anyway.

...

Sure enough, after Ritsuko had dropped him off, he saw his new guardian passed out on a desk with stacks of paper around her. Shinji tried to bring her a blanket to stay warm, but she woke and was clearly annoyed at how he didn't answer his phone. Yet another lecture.

... somethings never did change.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asuka! Mari! I had fun writing those two. I wanted to show the contrast between Shinji and Mari vs Shinji and Rei
> 
> If the dialogue in the flashback seems odd, it's because I tried to write them as children and how they don't have a full grasp of vocabulary yet.
> 
> Thanks for Reading and please Review


	7. Ayanami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji and Rei face another Angel. Someone was shot. And the Nerv Commander is brought forth to his superiors.

 

" _Some bonds are so strong that they never fade. If that's true… does that make me a friend? Or does it make me a monster? My father was a monster, and he used his bonds with people to manipulate them… do I? My bond with Rei was special, different than the others. I think I was the first person to treat her as a person, to care about her as more than a tool. Eventually, I made her smile because I understood that she wasn't emotionless. She had a soul, something I don't think even she realized for a long time."_

_**– the Broken Man** _

* * *

_Night, Tokyo-03.  
_ _Geofront, Nerv HQ._

Shinji hurried into the men's locker room. He had already taken his shoes off by the time he opened his locker to grab his plugsuit. Minutes ago, an Angel had appeared, and Shinji and Rei, Eva Team Zero as they were called, had been pulled from their beds and brought to Nerv HQ.

"Freaking Angels don't let us sleep," Misato had cursed that whole way there.

Shinji didn't have the heart to mention the fact that his guardian didn't have to fight the Angel herself. Changing quickly, Shinji cursed at his injured arm; the partial cast slowed him down. The alarms blared overhead, sounding off from a distance.

The boy glanced off to the side, thinking about his fellow Eva Pilot across the hall from him. Rei would be changing into her plugsuit from within the confines of the women's locker room. He didn't want Nerv to deploy her if they didn't have to, she had had to save him last time. The adults had sent her out before she'd finished recovering from her old injuries, and she'd been hurt again.

_Sending her out before her wounds had healed... that was cruel._

Shinji hoped he could finish this on his own; he didn't want Rei getting hurt again on his behalf.

"Report to the Eva Units, the Angel is getting closer," a voice called over the comm system.

"On my way," Shinji muttered to himself.

He ran out of the locker room and crossed the hallway into the hangar where Unit 01 waited. "Thank you," Shinji said hurriedly to the technician who handed him his interface helmet. Everyone was running a little off at this hour.

Unit 01's Entry Plug opened, a hiss of compressed air gushing out, and Shinji climbed in. He remembered to breathe as the LCL filled his cockpit, letting the strange liquid fill his lungs.

"Sync ratio holding steady at 49%. Looking good, Shinji," Ritsuko said into his ear via the communication system, 'comm' for short, as he breathed in.

Shinji nodded, then remembered that no one could see him nod. He answered back, saying, "okay, I'm ready."

"Listen, the Angel has some kind of long-range beam cannon. We don't know how, but it can fly, and it's been soaring over the city heading for the Geofront. Be careful," Misato called into the comm.

Unit 01's restraints were unbolted.

Further down the hangar, Rei was sitting in the Entry Plug of Unit 00. Silent to him, but most likely having reported her status to Ritsuko. Shinji glanced sideways on his display to the Eva Unit beside his own.

He opened a channel to his fellow pilot; they still had a minute or two while Unit 01 was prepped for launch.

"Rei? Uh, how are you?"

"I am in reasonable health," Rei answered after a short pause.

"I know, but… your injuries from the last attacks… I mean. Are you okay to pilot if you need to? Hopefully, it won't come to that," Shinji said awkwardly.

"… I am ready to pilot if needed. Thank you for inquiring, Shinji," Rei said.

He imagined the pale girl tilting her head from inside her Evangelion. She did that from time to time.

"Oh, uh no need to thank me," Shinji said softly.

"… and you? Are you well?" Rei called back almost awkwardly, it was hard to read emotions on Unit 00's pilot, but Shinji thought he could at times.

"I think so, arm's still a little slow. But it's not that bad anymore," Shinji said perhaps a little too quickly.

"Stop flirting you two. Prepare for launch," Misato called into both their comm units.

"What? Misato, that's not… no I… we're just talking. This is no time to tease-" Shinji stammered. He'd forgotten their comm channels were completely open.

"Understood. However, it should be noted that Pilot Ikari has been ready to deploy for over a minute now, yet command has not launched him," Rei said, cutting in completely deadpan.

Silence was Misato's answer over the comm.

 _Did… did Rei just defend me?_ Shinji thought.

…

Elsewhere in the command center, Ritsuko raised an eyebrow at Misato. The doctor shook her head at the captain, and muttered: "you were listening in longer than you needed to."

"Oh shut up," Misato mouthed back to her longtime friend. She had a little fun for like a minute, that didn't make her a bad person. Besides, the Angel hadn't bothered attacking anything since Tokyo-03's defensive measures had been activated, various city blocks sinking into underground bunkers, and defensive structures rising atop.

Ritsuko just shook her head.

"Unit 01. Launch!" Misato called.

* * *

"Unit 01. Launch!"

Shinji braced himself as Eva Unit 01 was shot out from the launch pad, sparks flew as the massive machine rose to the surface in a matter of seconds.

The Eva landed in a familiar area of the fortified city. Shinji immediately raised his rifle, ready to do his job and get in range of the metallic diamond-shaped Angel above them.

Before he could even move, a bright light slammed into Unit 01's faceplate. The shot struck the Evangelion through the eye.

"What-" Shinji flinched back, as less than a single second after he'd been deployed... he was shot. The phantom sensations of the Eva's artificial nervous system brought the sheer agony of the experience to him.

He had the wind knocked out of him, and he wheezed heavy panting breaths, unable to even speak as his eyes widened and he clenched his fists so hard his nails cut into his skin.

"… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Shinji shrieked. The boy felt the sensation of a hole being burned  _through_ his eye and deep into his brain.

Unit 01 stumbled backward in a silent scream, Shinji's pain and confusion mirrored by the massive machine as they both collapsed onto one knee.

Shinji didn't even register what happened. Next, all he knew was  _pain_ … pain and that his head was throbbing without the thing stirring inside.

* * *

_Command center._

"Shinji!" Misato called into the comm frantically.

The only response that came was Shinji's scream of agony via the comm. Loud, feral, and continuous, the scream did not stop. It ran through the open comm, Misato, Ritsuko, and Rei all winced as the cry rang in their ears.

Ritsuko entered commands into her terminal, muting Shinji's comm momentarily.

The Nerv technicians were rapidly gathering the data from Unit 01 as the Magi Supercomputers began running simulations based on the ever-increasing available information.

"Shinji's vitals are dropping. He's in trouble!" Ritsuko called as she streamed the data onto the main display.

Misato stared at Shinji's heartbeat, and she watched the rapid rise in blood pressure as the boy experienced the trauma of being shot in the eye. The phantom sensations of the Evangelion sent the Third Child into shock, and she watched the vitals helplessly.

"Captain Katsuragi, requesting permission to deploy," Rei called into command's comm channel.

* * *

Shinji screamed until he ran out of breath, his head was throbbing, and his eye burned so badly that he felt tears emerge.

Then he was gone…

One moment Shinji was inside the Entry Plug, and the next he was no longer in Tokyo-03, he was in a void of pitch-black. The world around him, the Evangelion, the Angel, the city, Misato and Ritsuko, all of it had vanished.

Shinji panicked as he suddenly submerged in a water-like substance, all in the dark.

He couldn't see, and he never properly learned how to swim. Shinji trashed around in the abyss violently, he broke through the surface clumsily, flailing and heading forward.

Then he was gone again…

One moment Shinji was in the water, then the next he was on land. He coughed violently not understanding what had happened.

Where was Eva Unit 01? Where was Misato? Where was Tokyo-03?

"What?" Shinji croaked, water in his nostrils.

He stood on a lone stretch of land amid the ruins of a city. The place, whatever it was, lay surrounded by tainted water. A red sea. He felt so cold, his plugsuit was drenched and it stuck to him like a second skin.

_Light... there's light here. Where is it coming from?_

The boy slowly looked up and found the moon hovering above in the night sky. The moon looked  _wrong_ , there was a stretch of red across the surface. Almost like a wound, a scar upon the moon itself.

_What in the world could do that?!_

Shinji stumbled back on unsteady feet, breathing hard.

The thing in his head stirred violently.

_**What are you doing?** _

"Ack!"

Shinji flinched from the dual pain forth by the voice and the sensation of being shot in the eye.

Then he was gone, no longer there, one moment on a stretch of land surrounded by water, then the next he was in pitch-black again.

_**I'm sorry… I didn't know this would happen. How are you doing this? Stop!** _

Shinji clutched his head and he was gone again.

* * *

_The real world_

"Shinji! What's wrong!" Misato cried into the comm channel. She had unmuted the boy's mic and had opened the channel to only the two of them.

Dead silence met her on the other end.

"He's in shock. I think he's having a seizure," Ritsuko said staring at Shinji's vitals.

 _A seizure? He needs a hospital for christ sake!_ Misato thought. She bit her lips.

"Eva Unit 01 is being fired at again!" one of the Nerv staff called out.

...

Above them, on the surface of the city, Eva Unit 01 sat unmoving on one knee as the Angel fired another shot. The beam cannon struck the massive machine's torso.

Eva Unit 01 toppled over, landing with a heavy thud. The impact sent dust flying in a cloud of smoke.

"Direct hit! The boy's not even trying to defend himself!" another Nerv staff called. The Magi supercomputers predicted that Unit 01's armor would not hold up for long against the Angel's long-range attack.

"He's having a seizure!" Misato snapped back at the poor staff member.

She turned to look at Eva Unit 00, connected her comm to Rei's channel, and spoke.

"Permission to deploy granted!"

* * *

_Shinji's breakdown.  
The vision._

The boy gritted his teeth, his head felt like it was going to explode, he rubbed his eyes adjusting to the light as suddenly he was in a hallway. He didn't understand what was happening. He had been on the surface of Tokyo-03 inside his Eva Unit and then he'd disappeared...

"What are you, stupid?!" a girl's voice called out to him.

Shinji whirled, his head was hurting so much he wanted to scream. Then he was gone again, he was standing somewhere in the city.

Another Eva Pilot in a red plugsuit, a European looking girl around his age, was kneeling on the floor crying.

 _Who?_ Shinji thought, shuddering from the ache in his head.

"I hate her! I hate  _you,_  Shinji! I hate everything!" the girl cried out.

The anguish in her voice made his skin crawl.

_**Boy. You have to stop. This is too soon. You're not ready.** _

The raspy voice sent Shinji wobbling on unsteady feet, and he screamed. It had come  _loud_  this time.

Then he was gone again, suddenly standing on the lone stretch of land surrounded by water again. The ruins of a city visible in the distance.

"No! Not again!" Shinji cried out through the haze of confusion and sheer pain. He had eerie memories of incidents like this happening to him in his youth. It had been during the height of his madness.

But then the other Eva Pilot, the European girl, was there and… and Shinji had his hands around her throat. Why was he strangling her? Why would he hurt someone he didn't know?

 _ **Stop!**_ The thing in his head stirred… and the other Eva Pilot was gone.

He was left panting, his hands strangling empty air.

"Gah! Ahhh! Make it stop! Please! Just stop!" Shinji wailed falling to his knees.  _This_  was unbearable, it felt like tiny blades were orbiting around the inside of his skull and cutting through his brain tissue inch by inch. If he could have cried, he would have. But it hurt too much.

Then, the pain lessened. It didn't vanish, but the sensation softened as suddenly Shinji disappeared again.

He landed somewhere else and got to his feet and breathing heavy haggard breaths.

There was another person down there with him in the void,  _a Woman in the Dark._

The Woman said nothing, a figure surrounded by shadows, her face barely visible. She reminded him of his mother, and she watched him through the black. She held out her hand to him and Shinji didn't know what to make of it…

_Who are you? No... no... I'm not supposed to see these things anymore. I got help! I did! I take my medicine!_

The Woman hummed to him, a soft melancholy tune, her hand outstretched towards him. A smile was visible even in the low-light world around the two of them.

_**You need to stop. This is too much for you. If you don't you will die!** _

_I don't know how…_ he thought.

Images passed over Shinji as he disappeared and reappeared again in various locations. Too many to count, he saw things he couldn't explain. People he didn't know, Rei, that other pilot, the ruins of a city... and a little girl, a toddler laughing up at him.

Then the images blurred, his vision darkened, and his head throbbed.

_**I'm blocking them, holding the images back, but you have to help me. Stop looking!** _

The voice was pleading with him, concern audible.

The image of Eva Unit 01 appeared, towering over him with dark red liquid dripping down the palm of its right hand. Blood. The massive machine had crushed someone to death…

_**Stop it. You're going to kill yourself. You have to help me. Wake up!** _

He was in Misato's apartment, the lights weren't working and the power was out. The windows were all open, sunlight pouring in, the only source of light for the tiny home. He was in the kitchen… with two other girls.

Rei, one of the girls was Rei and the other… the other one was the girl he'd seen before. The Eva pilot with the red plugsuit.

 _Rei…_ he thought stunned even through the haze that was his mind.

"Do you think we're the only ones?"

Shinji didn't know who said the words. Him? Rei? The other girl?

"Maybe others will come back. We did," one of the three said.

"It's been weeks. Weeks and no one else came back. We can't stay here forever," another of the group said.

He looked down groaning in agony to see that he had cooked the three of them a meal. He closed his eyes wincing, yet the images before him did not stop. Closing his eyes never stopped the visions, for they came from inside his head.

"Ahhh! Ghhh! Stopppppp! Stop!" Shinji screamed. Just as when he was a kid, nothing he did worked. The images continued, they played for him like they were a film burned into his eyes.

He watched as his hands moved and he gave each of the girls a plate. The two girls took the food and started to eat their small meal, the meal he had cooked for them. Together, the three sat alone.

"Thank you, Shinji," Rei said softly.

_**Look. Away.** _

Shinji sank to the ground in sheer terror. He fell on his back, Misato's apartment and the two girls dissolved into ashes around him as he sank down into the void.

 _ **No! Look away!**_ The voice shouted.

Then Shinji was somewhere else, he was running through an empty street, a... a gun in his right hand, and a bag of food was wrapped around his wrist. Rei was at his side calling for him to hold on.

Decayed, battered buildings surrounded them. Rei was holding his hand, running with him.

 _Rei? Why are we running?_ He thought.

BANG.

He didn't feel the impact, but he wobbled.

 _My arm... my arm is bleeding? My arm is bleeding! I... I was shot!_ Shinji thought as he felt himself glance at his injured arm. Someone had shot him, he almost fell but Rei pulled him onward.

Together, the two ran from some unseen force or foe.

_**Look. Away.** _

Then Shinji was gone again.

… He lay in the empty stretch of land surrounded by water with the ruins of a city visible in the distance. He panted out heavy pained breaths, his arm wasn't bleeding. He hadn't been shot... or had he?

Why did he keep ending up here on this stretch of land?

_**Damn it, Shinji! What do you think is going to happen! It hurts, but you don't even try to stop it! Don't just lay there! Make a choice! Look away!** _

_Never learned... how._

_**I don't want to do this to you. It will hurt.** _

He flinched as someone appeared above him. Shinji's vision became blurry and out of focus. A grown man stood over him dressed in rags. The man grabbed Shinji by the shoulders and hauled him up to his feet. It all happened so fast that he could barely see anything.

" **If you won't choose, then I will choose for you,** " the man said, his voice a low hoarse rasp. It was a strange sound, the words slow and sluggish as if he not had spoken aloud in years.

The man's eyes… one was brown like Shinji's, and the other was red.

* * *

 _Meanwhile._  
_The real world._

Rei ran through the city, firing rounds of Eva Unit 00's rifle into the Angel hovering above the city. None of the bullets pierced through the Angel's massive AT-Field, the strange patterns of light protected the monster from all attacks.

"Captain Katsuragi, my attacks are not effective. And the Angel will not allow me to reach Unit 01," Rei called into the comm.

Even as she spoke, she managed to glance at Shinji's Eva, the massive machine lay sprawled on the ground. After Unit 01 had been shot through the eye Shinji's scream had filled the comm channels, and Rei had wasted no time asking to be deployed.

However, she could do nothing to help her... her friend. The Angel ignored her unless she got too close to Unit 01, instead, the creature fired blast after blast of its particle beam directly at Shinji and his Eva.

The  _only_  time Rei was fired at was when she tried to rescue her fellow pilot.

She'd managed to avoid being hit by the blasts, but Shinji had taken direct hits six different times. To that end, Rei had taken it upon herself to get close, then break away, drawing the Angel's attention to her when she could. It worked to some extent, but Unit 01 had taken damage and she couldn't get near enough to actually help.

The pale girl fired another useless burst into the monster in the sky. Again, the bullets had no effect.

Rei narrowed her eyes as the Angel ignored her.

"You need to get Shinji back. 01 can't take this kind of damage. Whatever we come with up to take that thing down, we'll need both of you," Misato called back into her comm sounding frantic and uneasy.

"Captain Katsuragi, Unit 01 is on the move," Rei called suddenly. Her voice cracked as she felt emotions she could not explain at the sight.

Eva Unit 01 sprang up, scrambling to its knees as the Angel fired again.

01 rolled to the side, sending chunks of dirt and pulverized concrete into the air, the beam missed. The blast burned the ground and left a crater in its wake. Unit 01 went on the move, the massive machine rising to its feet before kneeling on all fours.

The Evangelion crawled around like it was alive and not a machine.

"Shinji isn't responding to our calls. I think he muted us or else the comm unit is damaged. Rei, try to cover him!" Misato called into her comm.

Rei fired more useless rounds at the Angel in the sky, as expected it ignored her.

Unit 01, however, sat crouched low, on all fours, silent and wary, the titan waiting for the particle beam to come before rolling off to the side and dodging it.

"Pilot Ikari... Shinji. Are you well?" Rei called switching her comm to Shinji's channel.

Utter silence was her answer.

It unnerved her, why would Shinji not use his comm? Why would he ignore her?

_Are you injured? Why do you not speak?_

Eva Unit 01 dodged the Angel's attack, again and again, timing it just right every time. It was amazing to watch, the Eva Unit moving with a rhythm she had not ever seen before.

Yet Rei grew uncertain at the lack of communication.

"Command, I believe Shinji is trying to make it back to the launchpad."

"Say again?" Ritsuko asked on the channel.

"I believe he is attempting to retreat back underground," Rei called into the comm.

"Good call, we're re-opening the launchpad. Try to cover him, his vitals don't look good," Ritsuko answered via the comm.

"The moment Shinji makes it back, jump down too. We're re-opening it, this isn't working and we can't risk losing any of our Evas," Misato ordered suddenly.

Rei moved Unit 00, glancing down at her useless rifle. She did not enjoy this feeling, this moment of being unable to damage her target. Unable even to help her fellow pilot. Forced to retreat.

Unit 01 rolled off to the side then broke into a run as Rei fired shot after shot into the Angel's massive AT Field, her bullets having no effect. Shinji and his Eva crawled over the launchpad doors and dropped down the way he had been deployed.

Shortly after, Unit 00 ran for its launchpad and leaped down, retreating too.

...

Misato and Ritsuko, along with the other staff, covered their ears as Eva Unit 01 landed with a harsh clang. It had returned to where it had originally been shot up to the surface. The sound rattled their ears and bounced from wall to wall of the hangar.

Moments later, Eva Unit 00 fell down landing much more gracefully into a launchpad further down from Unit 01. Once again, the sound reverberated throughout the enormous chamber.

"Pilots successfully retreated," Misato said into the comm with a sigh of relief.

Ritsuko looked over the Magi supercomputers' data, pouring over the predicted outcomes. She turned to Misato saying, "it'll take a few hours before the Angel is on top of the Geofront."

Misato nodded but kept her eyes on the display of Shinji's vitals.

"Send a medical team to extract Shinji. We can't have him losing consciousness again," she said.

"I'll go. Maya, take my post at the Magi terminals," Ritsuko said suddenly.

Maya Ibuki rose from her seat, rushing over to Ritsuko's terminal.

Misato made to follow, only for Ritsuko to grab her by the wrist saying, "I'll see to Shinji. You need to talk to the commanders. We need a plan of attack."

Their eyes met, and Misato scowled. She hated it, but she knew Ritsuko was right. She wanted to be there for Shinji, wanted to see how he was doing… but her job called her away.

"I'm sorry, Shinji. I'm sending a Ritsuko with a medical team check up on you," Misato said into the useless comm.

She didn't know if the boy could hear her or not, he had never responded to the comm, never once even attempted to contact them since being shot, but as much as it hurt she had a job to do.

Ritsuko nodded and headed for Eva Unit 01 below.

* * *

 _The Hangar._  
  
By the time Ritsuko reached the hangar alongside the medical team, the Entry Plug had been released, and the ejected LCL was pooling onto the floor. Shinji Ikari himself emerged onto the hangar grounds, flailing frantically as he stumbled about.

The adults watched as he moved on uneven feet, swinging back and forth and struggling to stand.

Bright red blood ran down the boy's face, another nosebleed. A violent one. He flailed his arms wildly as he stumbled forward trying to grab onto to something but found only air. He gasped, struggling to breathe as he stumbled in shock.

His movements were frantic, wild, and clumsy in stark contrast to the smooth movements of Unit 01 just minutes prior.

"Hold," Ritsuko called to the medical staff.

The team stayed back at her orders. She carefully walked forward hands held out and called Shinji by name.

The young boy snapped to attention at the sound of her voice. He almost fell but Ritsuko caught him by the wrist and held him up.

"I… I was gone. I was  _gone_ … where… where did I go?" Shinji panted frantically.

The boy ran a hand along the chest-plate of his plugsuit, it was completely dry, he had never been in the water at all. Yet it had felt so real.

"No. Shinji, you were right here. You never left your Entry Plug," Ritsuko said, seeing the panic attack the boy seemed to be having.

"I was shot... I was shot!" the boy cried, pure panic in his young face. He clutched a spot on his arm tight.

"Yes, the Angel scored a direct hit through Unit 01's eye," Ritsuko explained, doing her best to keep him calm.

 _Oh god, his pupils are dilated._ Ritsuko noted as Shinji nearly fell a second time, his eyes wild and uncertain. The boy's eyes moved back and forth as if he was seeing things no one else could. Like he wasn't even sure where he was at the moment.

"No... arm... my arm... my arm!" Shinji rasped, struggling to even breathe.

"Shinji, the Eva was shot in the head. You're in shock, the trauma could've made you have a seizure. Breathe. Just breathe and we'll take care of you," Ritsuko said calmly.

Shinji flinched violently as he grabbed his head, pulling harshly at his own hair as he flailed around again.

"Whoa, calm down!" Ritsuko said. She didn't fully understand what had happened, but she grabbed the flailing teenager before he nearly fell for the third time.

_At this rate... the boy is going to pull the hair from his scalp..._

Ritsuko tugged at Shinji's hand, trying to stop him  _ripping his hair out._

...

 _ **I know it hurts. I know this is confusing but listen. Just this once... take your medicine. Take your pills. Not the red, the black one.**_ The thing in his head stirred.

Suddenly Shinji grabbed Ritsuko by the wrist so hard that she hissed in pain. He pulled her close and whispered to her.

"In shock? Maybe… no… hallucinations. Madness. Need my medicine, black pill. Only one, only for emergencies," Shinji whispered quickly. He shuddered as he spoke, his voice quivering as he tried not to break down.

Ritsuko froze momentarily, then recovered as she grabbed Shinji by the shoulders and shouted to the medical team.

"He's in shock. We need to get him stable!"

…

The medical team rushed forward with a stretcher, and though Shinji fought it he was strapped down. The adults had to pin him until he was securely held in the stretcher.

Shinji was rolled out of the hangar and Rei watched from the sidelines. She did not understand the feelings in her chest at the sight of her fellow pilot being pulled away in such a state.

...

Everything after blurred to Shinji as he struggled against the straps of the stretcher, the medical team put him in an isolated room and gave him a variety of drugs.

 _What's happening? Why won't it stop? Why won't it stop? My head!_ Shinji thought. He struggled frantically against the straps of his stretcher, thrashing wildly. He must have looked insane...

Sometime during his shock and panic, the medical team left him, and Ritsuko reappeared with her hand in her lab coat pocket. She pulled out a prescription bottle filled with black pills.

Opening the bottle, Ritsuko quickly shoved a single black pill into Shinji's mouth, and he didn't even fight it when she covered his mouth forcing him to swallow it.

_**You will miss the first time. Don't miss the second-** _

The thing inside his head had stirred before it was cut off in an abrupt haze of silence. His medicine had kicked in.

Without waiting for Shinji to respond, Ritsuko injected him with a sedative.

"Rest while you can," she said as Shinji drifted off to sleep.

Glorious dreamless sleep.

* * *

 _Hours later.  
_ _ICU, Hospital._

Shinji groaned, opening his eyes weakly. Slowly, he rose to a sitting position with his entire body aching.

_What happened?_

The last thing he remembered was being shot then... then he had suffered a breakdown for the first time in years.

Just like before, he had holes in his memory. Moments where things jumbled together and he didn't know what had happened. He couldn't say how he had gotten back to Nerv HQ or even to the hospital, only that he had. Memory gapes terrified him, missing pieces of his life, he never knew what they meant.

He shuddered at the sensation, of blank spots in his recollections.

 _Another white room. I always hated these white rooms,_ Shinji thought.

He got over his initial grogginess and tried to think of something else. His hands were shaking, so he clutched them together to steady himself.

"Hello," a voice called quietly.

Shinji jumped in surprise and turned to see Rei standing off to the side of his bed. The pale girl was watching him with almost no expression on her face.

"Rei!" he said, panting from his initial shock. He breathed a sigh of relief at her presence, he had been afraid that he was still in his breakdown and 'disappearing' again.

"Operation Yashima is being prepped. Nerv is sending a car in sixty minutes. We are required to be at the temporary base at Mount Futago. Eva Units 00 and 01 have already been moved and prepped," Rei said. The girl sounded as if she was reading instructions from a book.

Shinji didn't like it.

"Uh, Operation Yashima?" Shinji asked, running a hand across his face.

"The plan Captain Katsuragi developed to destroy the Angel. The Commanders approved it. Here, you have been issued a new plugsuit," Rei said simply.

His fellow pilot tossed him a bag. Shinji caught the bag holding his new plugsuit, eyes cast downward the whole time. He stared at the new uniform inside, and he felt Rei observing him quietly.

_That's it... I had a seizure... I got lost... and I wake up to more orders and a new plugsuit?_

"Do you require privacy? We must be ready to leave within the hour," Rei asked suddenly.

"No, uh I mean yes I do. It's just... I..." Shinji said. He had trouble putting his thoughts into words.

"Are you unwell?" Rei asked. She tilted her head at him, almost frowning.

"I don't think I am," Shinji said. His lips trembled and he remembered flailing in the hangar before Ritsuko and the medical team had grabbed him.

"Your body will recover in time. I believe we can request painkillers for you if needed," Rei suggested.

Shinji shook his head. He ran his fingers nervously through the new plugsuit, the fabric was smooth to the touch, then he clenched his hand into a fist straining the material.

"I don't want to pilot anymore. I'm sorry... but every time I do I just end up getting hurt. I barely woke up, and they want me to pilot already," Shinji said bitterly.

He never looked up. He couldn't bring himself to look at Rei.

_If Ritsuko hadn't gotten me my medicine... what would have happened to me?_

He was afraid to imagine the outcome.

"Such things are expected of us," Rei said, not knowing what else to say.

"I know that..." Shinji whined. Damn, he sounded like such a child and he hated that.

Rei said nothing.

"How do you do this? How do you keep piloting? You get hurt every time like I do, but you just keep going?" he said avoiding her gaze. He couldn't stop the hint of astonishment in his voice, he genuinely had no idea how the girl did this.

"... I do not know. It is my purpose to pilot," Rei said, her voice shaking slightly.

Shinji wrapped an arm around himself, shaking his head.

 _This isn't right... I don't want to go back... I don't want to get hurt... 'it' got worse again. It gets worse every time I pilot. The voice... I was doing so well..._ Shinji thought.

"You do not wish to pilot?" Rei asked with a frown.

Shinji froze. He knew the Angel was still out there... but piloting was so hard. It made his condition worse. He had not had a breakdown in years, hadn't had the thing in his head stir for long periods of time now. That had all changed the day he first piloted Eva Unit 01.

Rei seemed to take his shameful silence as a yes.

"Then do not pilot," Rei said suddenly.

Shinji looked back up at her with haggard eyes.

"What?" he stammered.

"Dr. Akagi has said I am compatible with both Units 00 and 01. I will inform Captain Katsuragi that you are too ill for the operation. Goodbye Shinji... I... I hope you will feel better," Rei said, suddenly unable to meet his eyes.

Shinji watched eyes wide as Rei turned and headed for the door.

Just like that, she was walking away ready to pilot. Ready to continue the fight.

He looked back at his new plugsuit. His hands shook as he gripped it, Rei was going out there with or without him. The girl that had been hurt even more times than he had.

She always said that his injuries were more severe, but Rei bore hers better than he did. And she had been ready to pilot since the day he met her.

"Rei!" Shinji cried. He stumbled out of his hospital bed, the sheets falling to the floor as he did so but he didn't care.

His fellow pilot turned back to face him frowning as she did so. She had a hand on the door but did not leave.

"I... I won't let you go alone. I'll pilot..." Shinji said quickly. He took a deep breath, steeling himself up, before continuing, "I'll do it, I promise."

Rei nodded, the shadow of a smile appearing on her face. She nodded saying, "I will inform Captain Katsuragi. Get dressed."

Then without another word, Rei left him to his room.

Shinji turned to his new plugsuit... and then he realized that he was completely naked and had been for the entire conversation since getting out of bed.

When the medical team had stabilized him for the move to the hospital, they had taken his clothes off, and he had been so shaken that he hadn't noticed.

"Ah!" Shinji groaned, he felt himself blush. Rei had seen him completely naked...

 _Why didn't she say something?!_ He thought, grabbing his new plugsuit angrily.

* * *

 _Mount Futago.  
_ _20 minutes till midnight._

After the order had been issued to withdraw the Evangelion Units, the Angel had begun its move to siege Nerv HQ. It had flown slowly but menacingly towards the Geofront. Once it hovered over its target, it had produced a drill and began to tunnel into the ground above the compound.

The Magi Supercomputers estimated it would take 3 hours and 55.3 more minutes until the Angel successfully breached the Geofront.

Nerv had evacuated their personnel, moving the Eva pilots to a hospital, while important staff such as Dr. Akagi and Captain Katsuragi met with Nerv commanders to discuss plans for combating the Angel.

After being dropped off, Shinji and Rei passed crowds of Nerv staff having quickly set up a temporary command center of sorts, using many mobile computers that had to be linked together to perform the duties of the old center, as well as the infrastructure of this temporary base.

None spoke to them as they passed, and Shinji thought the Nerv men and women showed them a form of respect as people moved out of their way to let them pass.

"Shinji! How are you feeling?" Misato said, rushing over to him the moment he and Rei emerged atop the mountain reporting for duty.

His guardian grabbed him by the shoulders of his new plugsuit and knelt to study his face.

"I'm okay. Glad I woke up in time to help," Shinji said softly. Misato studied him, she'd remembered his frantic stumbling in the hangar.

 _Don't ask about it. Please, don't ask about it,_  he thought.

His guardian wrapped an arm around him telling him that she was glad he was okay. He could tell she had questions for him, but the operation took priority.

"He's fine. After this is over, I'll take a second look personally. But now, we have a mission to do," Ritsuko said coolly.

Misato scowled at her friend but nodded and let Shinji go.

"Are the Eva Units prepped?" Rei asked suddenly.

Misato felt a surge of guilt for not asking about her, Rei was so quiet that it was easy to forget she was there at times. Misato needed to work on that, Shinji wasn't the only pilot.

Standing tall atop Nerv's mountain base, Eva Units 00 and 01 appeared as titans of metal looming over the city and the Angel currently drilling its way into the Geofront.

 _I wonder if that's Rei's sense of humor. It's kinda hard to miss the Eva Units when they're right out in the open like that,_ Shinji thought offhandedly.

Misato nodded saying, "Operation Yashima is gonna take both Eva Units to work. Shinji, we've set up an advanced prototype positron sniper rifle for 01's use. It will channel almost the entire power generated from Japan into a single shot per round. The Magi estimates a precise hit will break through the Angel's AT Field and destroy its core. You're the gunner."

"Okay," Shinji said taking a deep breath.

Misato gave him a reassuring smile and turned to Rei saying, "Unit 00 has been equipped with a prototype heat shield. It's built from a material designed to survive re-entry into the atmosphere. You'll be covering Shinji. That shield should hold out long enough to get the kill shot."

"Yes ma'am," Rei said as Shinji looked between his fellow pilot and his guardian.

"What? Rei is a better shot than I am, why don't I cover her... and she can shoot the Angel?" Shinji said speaking a little too quickly. He didn't want Rei to get hurt protecting him.

Before Misato could calm him down, Ritusko interrupted saying, "because the Magi gives this permutation the highest possibility of success. I know you only recovered recently Shinji, but you have the highest recorded sync ratio and we need to be as precise as possible."

 _Highest possibility of success? Yeah right, the Magi gave us a 12.23526% chance,_ Misato thought bitterly, both her and Ritsuko had decided not to give the pilots or any other staff the actual numbers for success.

 _More specifically, Unit 01 was already damaged in the previous failed attack. With 00 covering 01, we have a sacrificial shield that can last longer than 01 can. Pure cold logic,_ Ritsuko thought even as she took a whiff of her cigarette.

Another thing Misato and Ritsuko had chosen to not tell the Eva pilots and other staff.

"Alright. I get it," Shinji sighed, he did not like this.

"Get going you two," Misato said, giving Shinji a reassuring pat on the arm.

Misato moved, trying to give Rei a reassuring pat too.

The enigmatic pale skinned girl only stepped back.

Rei tilted her head, glanced at Misato's hand and blinked. The girl frowned with an expression that clearly asked 'what are you doing?'

Misato awkwardly let her hand fall.

Ritsuko chuckled softly.

Without another word, Rei moved on with Shinji heading towards the Evas.

"What a strange girl? I was only trying to be supportive," Misato muttered, more embarrassed than anything.

Ritsuko only shook her head comically.

…

"Don't be scared," Shinji muttered to himself as he once again stepped inside the Entry Plug of Eva Unit 01. That was what Mari had always told him when dragging him on an adventure inside the ward. When he had had night terrors and she had comforted him.

He took a deep breath, his hands shaking as he remembered being shot through the eye and the breakdown that followed. He glanced at his arm and then forced himself to look away. The LCL filled the cockpit and disbursed, his sync ratio was active and the Eva went online.

"You have no reason to be afraid," a voice called into his ear suddenly via the comm.

Shinji jumped as he realized his comm was active, and that Rei had opened a channel for the two of them. When had she done that? He hadn't even noticed.

"I will be protecting you," Rei called to him via the comm.

Eva Unit 00 trailed after Unit 01, together the titans headed for the prepped positron sniper rifle.

"Oh. I uh, thank you," Shinji said clumsily.

He got into position, and Unit 01 grabbed the experimental gun.

Before Shinji could say anything further, Misato opened a channel into his comm.

"Listen up, that rifle is firing so much energy that the barrel can barely handle the recoil. So don't try to wing it, Shinji. Let the computers do their job and calculate the trajectory for you. The moment you get a green display, fire. With any luck, we can get a clean kill before the Angel notices anything."

"Understood," Shinji stammered, and Misato closed the channel to his comm unit.

_No pressure. Just follow the instructions and fire._

Shinji moved Unit 01's hand onto the rifle trigger. Command gave the order, and the massive prototype gun began powering up for a shot.

 _Huh? Rei never closed her channel with me?_ Shinji noticed. He could hear Rei's calm controlled breathing on the comm channel as the operation started. He thought it would be rude to close the channel, but he did not exactly mind either. Maybe he was imagining things and Rei was just being extra careful, but she seemed to be paying him more attention than usual.

 _Why would she do that?_ Shinji wondered before shaking his head.

He couldn't think about that right now. People were counting on him.

* * *

Back at the temporary command station, Misato turned to the others.

"Operation Yashima is a go!"

 _Come on Shinji. I believe in you,_ she thought.

"Warning, we're getting readings that the Angel has stopped drilling into the Geofront. It's... it's powering up its particle beam!" Ritsuko called as one of her assistants showed her the display.

"What? It knew! It knew that we started charging the positron sniper rifle," Misato cursed.

…

"Misato, the Angel stopped drilling. I can see it powering up the particle beam thing," Shinji said, his voice cracking as he spoke into his comm.

"We know, Shinji. Just stay calm, stick to the plan," Misato called back.

 _It knows what we're doing. It knows,_ Shinji thought as he gripped the positron rifle tightly.

"The Angel is acting differently this time. Powering for a continuous shot instead, be careful," Ritsuko called into the comm suddenly.

 _Not helping,_ Shinji thought.

He looked at his display, watching as the computers ran their calculations for one precise shot to break through the AT Field and destroy the Angel core.

 _Come on. Come on. Come on!_ Shinji thought glancing up from the display of calculations and back to the Angel charging it's particle beam.

The Angel turned, even from this distance, miles away from Mount Futago, Shinji could see the Angel starting to aim for him again.

He remembered being shot, remembered disappearing in his madness and the pain, remembered his breakdown. Shinji shook as he glanced down at the computers running their calculations.

"Come on," Shinji hissed.

The computer display turned green. He pulled the trigger... seconds before the display turned red again.

 _No!_ Shinji thought as the computer's display stayed red even as the positron sniper rifle fired a single round. The recoil from the sheer amount of energy fired shook Eva Unit 01 backward and Shinji had to struggle to keep his footing.

The round tore through the air striking the Angel on its side, cracking the massive AT Field and actually pushing inward to  _graze_  the Angel. The creature wobbled but held strong, a hit although one that had not destroyed the core.

He had failed. The Angel was still active.

"Reloading now! Shinji, get into position! Rei, cover him!" Misato called into the Eva pilots' comm units.

 _I missed. I had one job and I failed!_ Shinji thought in disbelief. Anger and shame filled him, but all he could do was wait for the reload.

"The Angel is firing!" Misato shouted into the comm.

Shinji gasped just barely getting over his shock when the Angel fired its particle beam cannon. Eva Unit 00 stepped in front of him, the prototype shield held up. The blast struck Rei.

"Rei!" Shinji cried out.

Unit 00 stood struggling against the prototype shield.

"I will hold it back as long as I can," Rei panted into his ear via the comm system. She had never disconnected her comm from his.

 _Rei..._ Shinji thought, feeling his eyes tear up but he shook them off. He turned to the display for the positron sniper rifle.

 _Come on. Reload faster!_ Shinji thought frantically. The rifle's automated systems rapidly cooled the barrel and loaded another round, powering up for a second shot.

"I won't miss. I won't miss," Shinji told himself repeatedly.

"Reload complete. Shinji,  _wait_ for the computers to calculate the proper trajectory. Last time the Angel moved and its calculations were off. This time it won't be," Misato called.

The Angel's beam stopped its continuous stream, leaving behind a smoking Eva Unit 00 with barely any prototype shield left.

"You will not miss," Rei called to him via the comm, she sounded tired and hurt but she held her vigil.

"I won't," Shinji called back.

"Angel is firing again. Brace yourself, Rei!" Misato called into their comm.

The particle beam shot out again, heading for Shinji but striking Rei and her shield instead.  _Come on! Come on!_ Shinji thought, glaring at the positron sniper rifle display.

"Ahhh" Rei hissed as her prototype shield burned away. The Angel's continuous beam broke through her shield and bits of laser bled through striking her Eva Unit.

The rifle display turned green, Shinji waited for an extra half-second to be sure, and he pulled the trigger from over Rei's shoulder.

 _Don't miss!_ Shinji thought.

The positron round went tearing through the air for a second time, the round cut through the Angel's particle beam, as it followed its calculated path. The round struck the Angel's massive AT Field, shattering it in a roaring crack, and piercing its metallic skin, striking the Angel core.

"Confirmed! Direct hit!" Misato cried into the comm.

The Angel's attack stopped, the beam faded away into nothing, and the monstrous thing flew back several hundreds of feet before falling to the surface in an earth-shattering thud. Clouds of dirt flew into the air as the Angel died on the grounds of the Geofront.

"Angel destroyed," Shinji called into his comm with a sigh of relief.

He was about to tell Rei that they did it, but he stopped at the sight of Eva Unit 00 tipping over. Unit 00's metal plating smoked as the massive machine fell. "Rei!" Shinji cried, reaching Unit 01's hand out to grab Unit 00 before it fell.

There was no response on his comm.

Shinji set the positron sniper rifle down on the ground before guiding Eva Unit 00 into a kneeling position.

Not knowing what else to do, Shinji manually ejected Unit 00's Entry Plug, ripping it out with the Eva's hand. The plug immediately ejected LCL as Shinji placed it on the ground.

 _How can I do this?_ Shinji thought, staring at the sealed Entry Plug. The Eva's hands could tear open the plug, but Shinji didn't trust his accuracy with them. Highest sync ratio or not, he didn't feel like pushing his luck and he was afraid he'd hurt Rei even more.

He decided that he had to do it himself. Exiting the Eva out in the open was never fun, he had to kneel 01 down and eject his own Entry Plug, then climb the emergency ladder down to the ground, but he did it anyway. He tried to go fast, and almost fell for it, but he got to the ground in one piece.

"Rei!" Shinji called running for his fellow pilot's Entry Plug.

The metal capsule was smoking hot, just as Unit 00 had been, after having withstood the particle beam cannon. Without thinking, Shinji grabbed onto the hatch and turned it.

"Ah!" Shinji screamed as his hands were burned but he didn't care.

Unit 00's Entry Plug opened with a hiss of compressed air, the hatch fell with a thud. Shinji flexed his injured hands and stepped into the cockpit.

Rei groaned when Shinji found her slumped against the chair of her cockpit, hair a mess, breathing softly, and blinking in surprise at his presence.

"Hello," she said to him as she woke.

Shinji stared at her, open-mouthed, panting and not sure what to say, and he took in the sight of her.

"You… you're okay?" Shinji asked staring at her.

"I believe so," Rei said simply despite her appearance. She shifted in her seat trying to stretch her arms but took it slow.

Shinji sank to his knees inside Unit 00's cockpit. He could feel tears in his eyes as he took in the fact that she was alive.

"You are crying? Why? Are you well?" Rei asked. She tilted her head at him curiously.

"Because… because you're okay," Shinji said, clearing the tears from his eyes.

Rei blinked at him studying his face. She stayed silent as Shinji rubbed his eyes clean and slumped down to sit against the walls of the cockpit with a sigh of relief.

"I am sorry. I don't know what I should feel or do at a time like this," Rei said, unable to look at him for reasons she did not understand.

"Just be happy. We won. I'm happy because you're okay. I've never cried because I was happy before. Just be happy, just smile," Shinji said looking up at her and smiling through his teary eyes.

His words seemed to register with her, as slowly, ever so slowly, Rei smiled at him. Smiled at him with such honesty and warmth that he felt he'd known her for years instead of weeks.

"I am happy… that you are okay too," Rei said.

That's how the recovery team found the two of them, sitting against the walls of Rei's Entry Plug both smiling stupidly at each other.

* * *

 _Days later._  
_Nerv HQ.  
_ _Conference Room._

The dimly lit room was eerily silent as the projected images of twelve stone monoliths loomed over Nerv Commander Gendo Ikari.

Gendo did not speak. He let the silence drift on from the moment he stepped into the call. SEELE had grown increasingly curious at the recent events regarding the Angels, and Gendo often found himself subject to their meetings and debates as of late.

"Ikari. Report."

The voice came from the projected image of Keel Lorenz's monolith. A formality for that man was one of the only SEELE members that Gendo had met personally.

"The Fifth Angel was destroyed by the efforts of Eva Team Zero, Units 00 and 01. We had to use the prototype positron rifle. All explained in our report," Gendo said simply. He held his head low, gloved hands behind his back, with tinted glasses concealing his eyes. He gave these rich old men nothing to work with, nothing to read.

"Fifth Angel? Fifth?! Ha! He thinks he's being funny," another projected monolith bellowed.

"Arrogant," said another harshly.

"Silence," Keel called and the other SEELE members quieted. The two that had spoken had their projected monoliths darkened to the point of pitch black, choosing to remain silent for the time being.

"You are concerned about the 'supposed' inaccuracy of the Dead Sea Scrolls?" Gendo said. He had better things to do then reassure these old men, he cut to the matter at hand.

"Yes. Such a thing should not be possible, and yet... strange anomalies have emerged. We have debated since the last attack, and the matter is troubling. **The number of Angels is wrong.**  There are too many. Yet the current incident falls in line with the Scrolls, while the previous attack does not. An anomaly," Keel said, his voice cold and stern through his holographic avatar.

There was a power there, even amongst some of the richest people in the world, Keel demanded their attention. His concern was a concern for all of SEELE.

"You refer to the previous attack when two Angels appeared simultaneously. This time, however, there was only one Angel. Not two. A small divergence but hardly noticeable. I fail to see your... concern," Gendo said coolly.

" _The number of Angels is wrong!_  That should not be possible! And you say you cannot see our concern! Incompetence!" another of the projected monoliths cried.

"We have access to the same information. I cannot explain these anomalies anymore than you can," Gendo said sternly.

"Some members suspect your reports of fabricating details. But our footage shows that is not possible. For whatever grievances certain members of this council have for you, we believe the truth is evident. The Dead Sea Scrolls are not entirely correct," Keel said suddenly.

When the man's voice left the projected monolith, all others grew listened.

 _How sad, all of them are used to having the world at their fingertips. Of being in total control, to be wrong frightens them. They never learned how to adapt,_ Gendo mused to himself.

"The Dead Sea Scrolls cannot be wrong," another voice hissed from the conference call.

"Are you so certain? The Scrolls are open to interruption. We study not the incident, but the  _pattern_. And that pattern has never been wrong. Five Angel attacks, all as predicted," Gendo said slowly.

"Is that how you would explain these curious circumstances? The tools that we have invested our time and money into... being inaccurate at best. Do you truly believe this not a cause for concern?" Keel said sternly.

"Tools built by men. Men make mistakes. The scrolls are something else, something beyond us, but we are human," Gendo said.

"For now. The day will come when our humanity ends," a voice far off the side called.

Gendo barely spared the projected image a glance, he was growing tired of this pointless meeting.

"Yes, the number of Angels is off. But the occurrence and the incidents are not. The Scrolls cannot be wrong, and yet even with these anomalies, they are still not entirely incorrect. There is truth there. The pattern remains. Whatever the case, our plans move forward. The Human Instrumentality Project continues," Keel said calming the other SEELE members.

"The Human Instrumentality Project continues," Gendo parroted with the others.

"We have made adjustments to the United Nations' agreement surrounding the limit of Evangelion Units permitted in a country. The announcement will appear in the media only after a small delay to give the illusion of debates between nations. Consider this, an insurance policy for any new deviations," Keel said.

Gendo nodded his understanding.

"The Second and Fourth Child will be heading to Japan soon. Their Eva Units are nearly completed, see to it that Nerv is properly prepared," another SEELE member said.

"It will be done," Gendo said, hiding his annoyance.

"Commander Ikari. What of the Third Child?" Keel called suddenly.

"What about 'it'? We have it under surveillance," Gendo said simply.

"I trust that when the time comes, you will do what needs to be done. That you will not hesitate despite your personal connection with that...  _thing,_ " Keel said coolly.

"I will not hesitate," Gendo said simply. No other answer was acceptable.

"That is good to hear. This meeting is over," Keel said.

The moment the words left his projected image, all holograms disappeared fading out of existence.

Gendo straightened his glasses as the lights turned back on. Stepping outside, he found his sub-commander Kozo Fuyutsuki waiting for him. Always more work to do.

* * *

 _Nerv HQ.  
_ _Testing Room 01._

"Sync test is almost done. How are you feeling today?" Ritsuko asked.

Shinji thought about that before answering, "normal I guess. I don't have anything to complain about."

The teenage pilot, dressed in his plugsuit, sat in the test chambers, used only to test his sync ratio with his Unit via the use of a remote Entry Plug and a cable that ran temporarily to the Eva itself. It was impossible to operate an Eva Unit remotely via this method, there were various theories as to why a pilot needed to be present inside the Evangelion and its Entry Plug, but the truth was that it was still a mystery.

 _And yet Misato told me you've been acting strange lately,_ Ritsuko thought.

"You don't have to play the tough guy with me. I need to know if you're having any issues, it's important. How are your hands? I heard you got burned when you were playing the hero," Ritsuko said calmly.

"Uh, ha. I'm not really a tough guy. I just get lucky I think. My hands are okay, they weren't burned that badly," Shinji said awkwardly.

"Great. Then you can tell me how you're doing. You had a seizure, Shinji. Nearly gave Misato a heart attack too. It's okay if you're feeling unwell," Ritsuko said.

 _See Misato, I can be nice too,_ the doctor thought.

"Yeah, I know. But I'm fine, really. Rei had it worse than I did, check on her," the boy said, avoiding Ritsuko's gaze.

"I already did. Rei's a soldier, she pushes through everything. If I don't check up on her then she'd never say she was hurt," Ritsuko said with a shrug.

"Oh... " Shinji said frowning.

"Alright, if you're sure you're fine. Sync test is complete. You're free to go. Oh, and remember to check your locker before you head out. You don't want to forget anything," Ritsuko said, already moving her attention away from the boy.

 _Hmm, looks normal but a bit low. After his seizure, no... during Operation Yashima he had his lowest sync ratio yet, 37%. High enough to pilot, higher than Rei even, but still low for him,_ Ritsuko thought going over Shinji's test results again.

"My locker? Oh, okay," the boy said nodding.

 _Shinji Ikari... the Third Child... what an unusual case,_ the doctor thought.

The boy said his goodbyes and went on his way.

* * *

After changing into his street clothes and putting up his plugsuit, Shinji checked his locker and found a pair of prescription bottles and a handwritten note. A bottle of red pills, and a bottle of black pills.

 _That should last you for now. If anything serious happens again you need to let me know. Be careful - Dr. Akagi_.

"Thanks, Ritsuko," Shinji muttered, taking the pills and note from his locker.

 _Hopefully, it won't happen again. Haven't had the voice stir ever since Operation Yashima_   _... maybe if I'm lucky it'll stay away forever. It won't, but I can always dream,_ Shinji thought. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

Heading out of the men's locker room, which he always had to himself as the only male pilot, Shinji found Rei waiting for him in the hallway just like he'd asked her to.

"Hello-" Rei began only to get interrupted by the sound of Shinji's phone ringing.

"Ah, sorry. Hold on," Shinji said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the phone that Misato had bought for him.

He'd started carrying it in his pocket set to full volume after one too many times of missing Misato's calls. His guardian was the only one who called him anyway.

"Hello Misato," Shinji called. Rei blinked at him from the background.

"Wow, you actually answered. I keep thinking you'll  _forget_ where you left your phone again," Misato said practically beaming.

"Hey, I've never had a phone before. Give me a break," Shinji said defensively. Overall, he'd like to think he'd gotten better at talking to his guardian.

"I told Ritsuko to let me know when your tests were done. I still got some work to do, but give me an hour and we can get something to eat. Celebrate your latest victory. My treat," Misato said.

She was doing that thing again, trying to be nice.

Misato was worried about him, she'd started watching him very carefully ever since his seizure. Helping him do chores, which he often did anyway because he did them better than her. Or else finding ways to spend more time with him if he wanted to talk.

Shinji glanced back at Rei, the girl only blinked at him again.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I promised Rei that I'd help her clean her apartment. Some other time?"

It wasn't that he wanted to get away from Misato, but there were some things he didn't want to talk about with anyone. He just wanted to forget about his breakdown, not re-live it.

"You're cleaning  _her_ apartment?! She blackmailing you or something? Shinji, if you're trying to get the girl you should know that cleaning is NOT a date," Misato teased.

"What? No! It's just something I thought I should do. She saved me, and she's my friend," Shinji said shaking his head.

"Oh... is this about what happened last time? When you gave her the new I.D. Card? Teehee! You're hoping to get another peek, aren't you?! You hormonal teenager!" Misato teased him. The woman actually giggled at him over the phone.

"That was an accident! Please don't bring that up again. I... I should never have told you," Shinji sighed feeling his face grow warm.

Rei tilted her head at him. To be fair, Rei had seen him naked now too.

"Wait a minute, you're being really awkward right now. Rei's there right now isn't she?! Let me talk to her!" Misato called suddenly. He could just picture her smirking at his embarrassment.

"No, I gotta go. Bye Misato, I'll see you at home," Shinji said, stammering out the words faster than he meant to.

"Ha, alright kid. For real though, take her to an arcade or something after. You two deserve some fun after the last incident," Misato said getting serious.

"I'll think about it. Bye," Shinji said. He hung up the phone thinking, _she's always teasing me._

"She is a very strange woman," Rei said suddenly.

Shinji jumped at that, she was so quiet that he sometimes forgot where she was until he looked for her.

"I... you could hear that?"

"The two of you are very loud. Please inform Captain Katsuragi that I am not blackmailing you."

 _Why does this always happen? I only wanted to do something nice,_ Shinji thought with another sigh.

"She was only joking," he said.

Rei did not respond.

"Let's go. Sorry about that. It might take a while but I promised I'd help. I made us some food... I mean only if you want some. I know you don't like meat so I didn't cook any," Shinji said heading for the exit with Rei in tow.

"You apologize too much. I... thank you for helping me. I was not aware my apartment was unsuitable until you told me. You are a good friend," Rei said avoiding his gaze.

It was hard to tell with Rei, she was very emotionless at times, but Shinji could have sworn he saw a spring in her step and a small smile on her lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long I know, but I didn't want to split a chapter into two again.  
> A lot of things happened in this chapter, but the real undercurrent is Rei and Shinji.
> 
> Thanks for Reading and please Review!


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